Nikki Oswald

Just add the brand new pack of Bic Intensity pens and Become A New Person.

8yo: Mom, you know those water pipes? 👀 Those WHAT?! 8: Those pipes, like outside by the street. The red or yellow things for firetrucks? Hydrants? 8: Yeah! YES! I know those water pipes.

Wholesome.

Dionne Warwick @dionnewarwick

If I am on your @Spotify Wrapped let me know. Most of my songs are sad and I am hoping you’re okay. We can talk about it.

RT @nmaestas: Be respectful today. Be peaceful. Give space. If you’re about to type something awful, keep it in your drafts and delete it t…

The best part of football season is the snacks. Cubby's is the real MVP for stocking all the snacking needs. #ad https://t.co/sqgJuohHox

Play-by-play, but for Ticketmaster’s IT department.

Hell hath no fury like a driver stuck behind a Tesla in autopilot, going 10 under in the passing lane, while its “driver” is… Who knows what they were doing, actually. Their eyes were straight down and definitely not on the road or line of cars behind them.

This is a friendly reminder to actually schedule that skin check appointment you’ve been saying “I’ll call next week” about.

Ayyyy, @TheBrockJohnson - I remember a conversation about this very topic on @Endless_Thread. This isn’t you filtering your voice and moonlighting as a TikTok conspiracy theorist…or is it? https://t.co/hbwxpWSt7B

6yo: “Mom, why don’t we put our middle finger up?” Some people think it is rude. 6: “But can I do it to bad guys?” Sure, but how can you tell who is a bad guy and who’s not? 6: “Bad guys wear masks over their eyes.”

RT @cmclymer: The jokes about Gisele Bündchen having double the net worth of Tom Brady are missing the mark because they fail to account fo…

I WASN’T! 😂❤️☕️ One of the best I’ve found!

That moon, though.

I KNOOOOOOOW. I WAS A CHILD! 😂

lisa mason @mailmaam68

@nikki_osvvald if a steak is cooked and seasoned well there should be no dipping sauce for it.

“You are the most awkward person to travel with.” - my husband. He’s not wrong.

What decent souvenir you can buy a grown ass adult for $5? No name keychain or shot glass.

Picked the kids up from daycare and left sobbing. Their last day. Tomorrow is 3rd grade and…kindergarten. I thought I was prepared. I am not.