Permanent Retrograde

Articles

Minimalism Is Just Wealth Disguised As Taste.

1 week ago | kellyoxford.substack.com | Kelly Oxford

I forgot I had a garage for six months. People forget their anniversaries or where they parked at Whole Foods. I forgot an entire architectural appendage attached to the house. Marie Kondo would need smelling salts and a defibrillator if she saw how I live; everything I own is on display like a museum of mediocrity: free charge of admission. People think I'm messy, which is like calling the ocean deep. I'll only see a dust bunny after it has evolved from lint to livestock.
Maybe Grandma Will Outlive Us All.

1 week ago | kellyoxford.substack.com | Kelly Oxford

I just unpacked my groceries and read the labels I see so often I never read anymore. I noticed something new. Regenerative. Everything is now regenerative. The eggs. The milk. The coffee beans harvested by smiling farmers on mountaintops. The beef from cows who apparently died while getting massages and listening to Enya. Regenerative farming. Regenerative agriculture.
Being A Writer In the Streaming Era

2 weeks ago | kellyoxford.substack.com | Kelly Oxford

I moved from Canada to Los Angeles in 2012 after a lifetime of cities where changing seasons gave narrative structure to the year. In Los Angeles, days slide by in a perpetually golden loop. Time becomes measured not in snow melting or leaves falling but in streaming service subscription renewals and psychiatric medication refills. Los Angeles offers a constant seduction of beauty paired with a vague sense of impending doom.
A Modern Dating Horror Story

2 weeks ago | kellyoxford.substack.com | Kelly Oxford

Ellie showed up yesterday with a 7-Eleven bag and eyes like empty swimming pools. We laid out a blanket under my magnolia trees. 76 degrees. Perfect weather for dissecting a psychological thriller disguised as a dating life. She emptied her stash: Flamin' Hot Cheetos, Diet Cokes, a coffee big enough to drown in. Sugar and caffeine—the traditional offerings to the gods of bad romance. Josh is breadcrumbing Ellie into insanity.
Need a Canadian Sanctuary to Escape To? I’ll Give You Keys.

2 weeks ago | kellyoxford.substack.com | Kelly Oxford

I had an idea. I want a sanctuary, I want a compound for artists but how? Then I realized, you all exist and want the same thing. Why don't we make this a reality? I'm dead serious, I will move tomorrow and you are invited to visit. Want to escape to Canada? Yesterday, you say? Here's the deal: I found a six bedroom house in Canada that I can turn into a B&B. It's already zoned for it. If 30% of you reading this right now subscribe, I'll buy it tomorrow. I get 10.5 Million page visits a month.
Your Face Is a Goddamn Battlefield; You Need This Hack.

3 weeks ago | kellyoxford.substack.com | Kelly Oxford

Makeup is the greatest hack for improving your face. Period. Your face shows everything—last night's vodka, those texts from your ex, the fact you're one meeting away from unemployment. Hydration? Hot. Bronzer? Hotter!There's no redemption story here, just war paint. When adding colors to your face you must think like an artist. Or a criminal. This isn't about pretty, it's about controlling the narrative. Where do shadows go to make myself more symmetrical? Where does highlighter go?
No, We're Not Trying to Look Younger. We're Trying Not to Die.

3 weeks ago | kellyoxford.substack.com | Kelly Oxford

Every think piece about cosmetic procedures frames the conversation identically: vanity, patriarchy, fear of irrelevance, women pathetically clinging to youth. The writers smugly assume we’re trying to fool people into thinking we’re still 25. We aren’t.
Single Parents: Hunting for A New Mommy or Daddy?

3 weeks ago | kellyoxford.substack.com | Kelly Oxford

The majority of single parents don't want a replacement co-parent. According to a 2019 survey by the Pew Research Center, only 64% of single mothers and 52% of single fathers say they're currently looking for a relationship or want to get married. What’s telling? When asked about priorities, finding a partner who would be a good parent to their children ranked below financial stability, similar values, and emotional support.
The Unwanted Souvenir Of Sex No One Talks About

4 weeks ago | kellyoxford.substack.com | Kelly Oxford

"I have this weird thing that if I sleep with someone, they're going to take my creativity from me through my vagina." Lady Gaga told Vanity Fair this in 2010. People dismissed it as artistic eccentricity. Turns out, there's something science has discovered about sex that people need to know. Something happening inside our bodies that changes everything about how we should approach intimate relationships... Lady Gaga was right.
The Male Binary: All You Need To Know About Why Men Do What They Do.

1 month ago | kellyoxford.substack.com | Kelly Oxford

I was raised in a house of women. My father left the house at 6am, came home at 8pm, in bed by 9:30. At 20, I moved in with a man and began my 17-year immersive study of the male mind. After observing countless men in their natural habitat, I discovered something revolutionary:Men's brains operate on just TWO settings and understanding them will transform how you deal with every man in your life.