Charles Bergquist

Thank you for calling the Doom Scroll Hotline. Please listen carefully as our crises have changed. If your call relates to polling, press 1. For election shenanigans, real or imagined, press 2. Ongoing global conflicts, 3. Environmental fears, 4. General existential dread, 5.

If you are in line to sleep an extra hour, STAY IN LINE

We regret to inform you that you cannot buy a leaf rake at my local Walmart due to Elf on the Shelf and fuzzy Mrs Claus outfits related space constraints It is Nov 2

Dear news outlets, you are not actually obligated to run stories about 'prime day' Yes I get that you have an affiliate deal, but if you would not run a story about the sale at Joe's Furniture Mart or the incredible deals in Foodtown's Can-o-rama sale, why shill for Amazon

<wild-eyed wizard, sparks flying from his fingers> MAY YOUR PHONE BE ON EVERY SWING-STATE LIST, AND MAY IT ALWAYS BE AN ELECTION YEAR

Today in misdirected emails -- Erik (and also Erik D) -- the Alaska dept of fish and game has received your hunt reports. No need to resubmit again and again.

O hi! It me

Science Friday @scifri

It's time for #SciFri 📻 We kick off with @cbquist, who joins the guest host @sophiebushwick to discuss an asteroid that was spotted before reaching Earth’s atmosphere and other stories from the week in science. https://t.co/TcquS5vaQt

Have you considered the possibility that YOU are the surprise guest

Attention: this is a Good Moon Alert. The moon is Good right now. Go admire it. Thank you for your attention to this matter.

thank u google news but one of these stories is not like the others https://t.co/crDadZU4Em

Looking into it https://t.co/HnFgc7Wyxq

Boulder Colorado we are in you!! Setting up for @scifri from @colo_chautauqua with @KUNC, see you soon! https://t.co/uNHzsrTPH1

Attention: we interrupt ~all this~ for a Good Moon Alert. The Moon is Good right now, go look this concludes your Good Moon Alert

AN AVALANCHE OF TAKES

Why can I choose 'block' on most ad-promoting accounts, but for some reason not on Temu ads? My only choices for Temu are 'I don't like this ad' and 'Why am I seeing this ad'. Unlockable. https://t.co/xLIz7H6K0f

Look at this great device! It has 1000 functions and does *everything*!!! -cool, can I see the manual? There isn't one! -oh I guess there's a PDF I can download? Also no! :) You can look at a pretty web site with lots of 'click here to learn more about FUNCTION' buttons :)

You see when it is warmer, the molecules move faster, which is why the news alerts have been moving at ohmygod speed lately it is just science folks