Colin Nissan

3 weeks ago | mcsweeneys.net | Colin Nissan

I wish I’d lived a life truer to myself. If I could go back in time and throw out every fake mustache I owned, I would. Even the smart-mouthed sheriff one. They were no better at helping me express who I was than my prosthetic noses. I didn’t stop to smell the roses enough. If I’m being honest with myself, there were other things I didn’t smell enough. If I’m really being honest, I could have licked more stuff too. I regret not keeping in touch with old friends.

Dec 25, 2023 | newsbreak.com | Colin Nissan

By signing up for our newsletter, you agree to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy

Dec 24, 2023 | newyorker.com | Colin Nissan

Spend five minutes in nature and you’ll see what everyone’s talking about, with the mountains and zoos and watermelons. It’s breathtaking. And what about salmon, just swimming around, completely unfazed by how wet they’re getting? If you want to see for yourself, there are some great documentaries about how wet they get. There’s such a breadth of animals besides just wet ones and dry ones.

Oct 27, 2023 | mcsweeneys.net | Colin Nissan

How did you sleep last night? Not great, honestly. How come? Look, I wasn’t going to tell you, Holly, because I know you get freaked out by this stuff, but I saw a ghost in our bedroom. Oh my god. I told you we shouldn’t have moved into this old house, Greg. I know. She just appeared out of nowhere and was, like, trying to teach me Spanish for a while. And the crazy thing is that I took Spanish in high school, but I couldn’t remember shit last night. Wait, what?

Sep 18, 2023 | mcsweeneys.net | Colin Nissan

Elaine, did you make this hummus? No.It’s really good. Okay, but I didn’t make it. - - -David, did you make this hummus? Nope. Well, who did? I don’t know. I just want to compliment the person who made the hummus, but no one will tell me who made it. I wish I could tell you who made it so you’d shut up about it. I’ll shut up about it when I get some answers. - - -Hey, Eric, did you make this hummus? It’s delicious. No, I didn’t make it either, and why do you have to compliment the person who made it?