Daniel Burt

Oct 8, 2024 | newsthump.com | Daniel Burt

As Hurricane Milton rapidly approaches Florida, and the category four storm promises to deliver more wind than Brian Blessed at a curry house, widespread evacuations are well underway amongst people who aren’t morons. However, there remains a staunch element among the Floridian population that refuses to either acknowledge the threat or recognise that adding 40 gigatons of carbon to the atmosphere each year might have somewhat exacerbated the issue.

Oct 1, 2024 | newsthump.com | Daniel Burt

With the closure of Ratcliffe-on-Soar’s coal-fired power plant, the UK pre-pubescent artisans have spoken of their concerns in sourcing suitable garment fasteners for the UK’s snowmen ahead of the busiest 2-3 days of the year. Jake Williams, who crafted five snowmen last year as an apprentice under Darren, his older brother, told us, “It’s getting harder and harder to find buttons for our snowmen.

Sep 17, 2024 | newsthump.com | Daniel Burt

After a heavily armed potential presidential assassin was caught on a golf course trying to put a hole-in-one twat, the manufacturers of GoPro have been roundly condemned for allowing the use of their equipment to potentially film the crime. Simon Williams, a spokesman for the National Rifle Association, was quoted as saying, “I don’t want to get bogged down in the politics of left and right; this is about saving lives.

Sep 10, 2024 | newsthump.com | Daniel Burt

As the proposed winter fuel ban meets with increasing backlash across the political spectrum, lobbyists for several cold storage firms have now warned against what they see as rushed nationalisation of the industry by Labour. Simon Williams, spokesman for ‘Ice, Ice Baby and other Family Members Cryo LTD’ was quoted as saying, “Freezing human bodies shouldn’t be attempted outside of strict laboratory conditions.

Aug 20, 2024 | newsthump.com | Daniel Burt

Disney has updated its Disney+ terms and conditions, capitalising on the fact no one seems to care when their terms prevent them from being accountable for human deaths related to their intellectual property. Following an aggressive legal rebuttal against a bereaved husband suing the theme park branch of Disney for negligence and wrongful death, citing the fact they signed up to Disney+ several years earlier – Disney’s lawyers have gone one step further.