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2 days ago | 
paragraphstacker.substack.com | Daniel Finney
TRUMP: When you stay the night, you always leave the toilet seat up. ELON: At least I hit the toilet. ELON: You always hog the covers. TRUMP: You nag me more than Melania use to when we slept in the same bed. ELON: How can I trust a man who does so much blow? TRUMP: How can I trust a man who does so much ketamine, ecstacy, psychadelic mushrooms, and Adderall? ELON: I quit! You forgot our anniversary!TRUMP: I gave you the power to cripple the federal government! What more do you want?
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3 days ago | 
paragraphstacker.substack.com | Daniel Finney
One can't argue with Sen. Joni Ernst’s logic: “We are going to die.”Ernst smugly chirped the one-liner at a town hall meeting last week at Applington-Parkersburg High School. A cynic might say it's a callous and ignorant thing to say in front of a room full of constituents who are concerned about cuts to federal aid for the poor and Medicaid.
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5 days ago | 
paragraphstacker.substack.com | Daniel Finney
“I’m sorry, Pluto, we have to let you go. We have a dog that talks and is a master of physical comedy. You’re just a … dog. These animal control officers are hear to drive you out to ‘the farm.’”“Ant-Man, Wasp, it turns out only one arthropod-themed superhero really works: Spider-Man. Pack up you hives. The exterminator arrives a 5 p.m.”“BB-8, it’s a good news, bad news situation. The bad news is you’re fired.
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6 days ago | 
paragraphstacker.substack.com | Daniel Finney
Loretta Swit, who played Major Margaret Houlihan for 11 seasons on “M*A*S*H,” died Friday. She was 87. Swit’s rendition of Margaret changed what was possible for women to be on TV. Network roles for women in the 1970s were dominated by cheerful matriarchs like Carol Brady and Edith Bunker. Mary Tyler Moore pushed boundaries with a show about a single woman who didn’t seem too interested in husband hunting. Yet her stories usually reset beyond the end of the episode.
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1 week ago | 
paragraphstacker.substack.com | Daniel Finney
Selling her used underwear online seemed too trashy. Men are gross; might as well make some cash off it. Those Gen Z kids are weird. Mixed individualism and sexual empowerment of third-wave feminism with the digital drive and intersectionality of fourth-wave feminism. Wanted to prove to the Americans that there are no minimum standards of decency left. Finney’s 5 is an occasional humor column by exiled newspaper columnist Daniel P. Finney.
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1 week ago | 
paragraphstacker.substack.com | Daniel Finney
The cost of a thought rose 400% from a penny to 5 cents. Putting you “your 2 cents worth” will now cost a dime. A penny saved is no longer a penny earned; it’s just collecting antiques. Surgeon general warns picking a penny will no longer give good luck even if it is heads up, but could lead to severe back pain. The new definition of poverty is not having two nickels to rub together. Finney’s 5 is an occasional humor column exclusive to paid subscribers of the Paragraph Stacker.
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1 week ago | 
paragraphstacker.substack.com | Daniel Finney
Dear friends,First — thank you. Your generosity in the past few days has made a real, tangible difference in my life. Because of your support, I’ve been able to get current on my car payment — something that not long ago felt like a distant goal. We’re now nearly halfway to the $5,000 fundraising goal, and that progress has already eased much of the stress that’s been weighing me down. It’s hard to describe the relief of simply being able to get to work without the looming fear of repossession.
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2 weeks ago | 
paragraphstacker.substack.com | Daniel Finney
At some point during the first hour of “Mission: Impossible Final Reckoning” and leaned to my right and said to my movie-going buddy, “My God, this is boring.”“How did this get made?” she replied with genuine bafflement The eighth “Mission: Impossible” movie is a violation of both the entertainment fans expect from these films and the action film genre as a whole. May the 4th Be With You Special: No, I am the substack you want to subscribe to. Search your feelings, you know it to be true.
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2 weeks ago | 
paragraphstacker.substack.com | Daniel Finney
“So does this mean people will be so rich they don’t have to bend over and pick up a nickel now?”“Finally those chumps from DOGE got something right.”“I’m Abraham Lincoln, yo. My money doesn’t jingle, jingle; it folds.”“I feel bad for all those guys who have those machines that smash a penny into a souvenirs at tourist traps.”“Ugh, can we talk about this later?
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2 weeks ago | 
paragraphstacker.substack.com | Daniel Finney
News came Thursday that the U.S. Mint ordered pennies for the final time. The Treasury Department plans to end production of the one-cent coin, which cost about 3 cents to make. “U.S. Mint moves forward with plans to kill the penny,” the Associated Press headline read. Reactions poured into the paragraph factory from all generations. May the 4th Be With You Special: No, I am the substack you want to subscribe to. Search your feelings, you know it to be true.
