Elinor Jones

2 weeks ago | portlandmercury.com | Elinor Jones

Hi there! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I am mother trash panda, Elinor Jones. I hope you have been having a pleasant April spent refreshing your retirement account, wondering what was even the point of saving in your 20s for a future that may not happen when you could have just spent more money on drugs and skincare? The blissed-out girlies with zero pores are definitely not concerned with the tanking economy right now, and I am jealous.

3 weeks ago | portlandmercury.com | Elinor Jones

Hello, and welcome to the Trash Report! I'm Elinor Jones, writing to you from the highly niche, but real mood described as "this season of White Lotus is ending pretty soon and then I won't know what to talk to people about." I hope you're more normal than I am! The news has been so horrible lately, I'm really steering clear of the darkest bits this week, because it's too bleak.

1 month ago | portlandmercury.com | Elinor Jones

Hello sweet angel baby Trash Pandas, and welcome back to the Trash Report! It's me, Portland's Best Kept Secret™, Elinor Jones. Remember in Jerry Maguire when Tom Cruise said Cuba Gooding Jr. was the NFL's best-kept secret, and then Roy Tidwell got a contract for millions of dollars and Regina King was so happy? That's gonna happen for me, I just know it. I will be rich. I will play for the NFL. I will marry Regina King.

1 month ago | portlandmercury.com | Elinor Jones

Hello, and welcome to a very special Trash Report. I usually write this newsy gossip column for the internet, but the top brass at Mercury HQ let me out of the computer to writeā€“in printā€“because, what is a free alt-monthly if not a report, that eventually becomes, how you say, trash? (Or recycling, obviously, but you know what I mean.) Iā€™m qualified to write about art because as a writer, I technically am an artist, and lucky for all of you, my preferred medium is silliness on newsprint.

1 month ago | portlandmercury.com | Elinor Jones

Hello, and welcome to the Trash Report! I am Elinor Jones and I desperately miss the hour we just lost. It was the hour that was going to fix everything, I just know it. This week is going to be super rainy and I'm glad, because every year I think I'm going to learn how to garden and I never actually do, but this year I extra feel like I want to garden and I love the rain, because on every rainy day I can imagine I'd start gardening if not for this unfortunate weather we're having.