Greg Schwem

Chicago, Lemont

Columnist, Tribune Content Agency and Business Humor Speaker at Freelance

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Articles

Dining Alone at Breakfast

1 week ago | boomermagazine.com | Greg Schwem

Dinner may differ, but dining alone at breakfast holds a certain charm for humorist Greg Schwem, especially at independently owned diners. When it comes to breakfast, I am the opposite of a solomangarephobic. Bounce the word “solomangarephobia” off your therapist or that friend or family member who just likes to diagnose everybody. See if any of them know it’s the fear of dining alone in public. Better yet, find someone who suffers from this affliction and say you know the cure.
‘The Leftover Bolt Theory’

3 weeks ago | boomermagazine.com | Greg Schwem

Through personal experience, humorist Greg Schwem has learned that a leftover bolt inevitably remains after a construction project, such as a standup desk, TV stand – and maybe the Gateway Arch.
Thanks to AI, This Comedian Will Soon Become a Pile Driver

2 months ago | medium.com | Greg Schwem

Greg Schwem·FollowPublished inThe Haven·4 min read·--Loyal readers, if you hear of an entry-level job in pile driving, I have a request. DM me. ASAP. At 62, I have little interest in pounding large foundational supports for bridges and other construction projects into frozen soil. But my retirement portfolio could use a boost.
Disadvantages of 49 Other States

2 months ago | boomermagazine.com | Greg Schwem

The cold weather in Chicago has finally gotten to humorist Greg Schwem, but when he considers the 49 other states, their disadvantages outweigh Illinois weather. The recent California wildfires have restarted the “why would anybody live there?” conversation. These doomsday chats always seem to surface whenever the Golden State endures an epic disaster be it fires, mudslides, earthquakes or the LA Chargers’ playoff performance.
When You Consider the Alternatives, This Polar Vortex Really Isn’t So Bad

Jan 22, 2025 | medium.com | Greg Schwem

Greg Schwem·FollowPublished inThe Haven·4 min read·--The recent California wildfires have restarted the “why would anybody live there?” conversation. These doomsday chats always seem to surface whenever the Golden State endures an epic disaster be it fires, mudslides, earthquakes or the LA Chargers’ playoff performance. Ditto for Florida, scene of “once in a lifetime” hurricanes that now seem to occur during any year containing a 2.
A Buc-ee’s Confession

Jan 17, 2025 | boomermagazine.com | Greg Schwem

His clean streak is over. Humorist Greg Schwem attempts to clear his conscience by giving us his wholehearted Buc-ee’s confession. Time for my annual end-of-year reflections and, when warranted, confessions. Regarding the latter, I have a big one this year; one that has haunted me since I committed a crime. Up until now, in my 62 years of life, I have remained free of police blotter entries.
Our Sunday Paper Edition: Holiday Trees, Humor and the Comics

Dec 1, 2024 | journalpress.substack.com | Greg Schwem |Russell Selander

Reminder: Tonight at 5 p.m. on the lawn behind town hall in Greenwich is the kickoff for Everlasting Lights. There will be music and merrymaking and refreshments, too. We may or may not be able to pull off a live stream — try our Facebook page around that time to see. If not, we’ll at least post after the event — or get our next print edition for photos. Also: Congrats to the Schuylerville Horses football team for winning yesterday in the state Class C semifinal.
Three Practices to Avoid As You Age

Nov 13, 2024 | boomermagazine.com | Greg Schwem |John Ficarra |Brian Marsh |Annie Tobey

From experience and the wisdom of age, humorist Greg Schwem has learned three common practices to avoid as you age, since they do not pair well with an aging body. BARRE BOOTCAMP!The phrase screamed at me as I entered my health club shortly after 5 a.m. last week. Written in blue marker on a whiteboard, “barre,” for those not familiar with ballet, is the horizontal bar dancers grip while performing certain exercises.
Who Won the Election? I was Bathing and Vacuuming

Nov 13, 2024 | medium.com | Greg Schwem

Greg Schwem·FollowPublished inThe Haven·3 min read·--My cell rang about 2 p.m. on Nov. 5, some three hours before election polls closed on the East Coast. “What network are you watching tonight?” my friend asked. “I’m watching CNN. In fact, I put it on when I left for work this morning just in case I want to rewind anything when I get home.”“I’m sure your dog appreciated that,” I replied before adding, “I’m not watching.”“Seriously? But you’re such a news junkie.”“I am,” I affirmed.
Monopoly Baby Boomer Edition

Oct 22, 2024 | boomermagazine.com | John Ficarra |Johanna Wald |Greg Schwem |Diana Raab

Isn’t it time boomers had their own version of the board game they grew up playing? Humorist John Ficarra offers ideas for a Monopoly Baby Boomer Edition.

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Greg Schwem @GregSchwem

20 Apr 25

#sunriseservice on the #Chicago lakefront #hehasrisen https://t.co/a1zKnCc3XN

Greg Schwem @GregSchwem

19 Apr 25

I played Spyglass in those conditions

NUCLR GOLF @NUCLRGOLF

🚨🌬️🌊 DISCUSSION: You get invited to play Cypress Point in these conditions.. Are you teeing it up? https://t.co/1zvtiFYHru

Greg Schwem @GregSchwem

18 Apr 25

Thank you for the follow @Graham_Nash7 Have always been a fan. Your rendition of Lee Shore w David on Four Way Street is on many of my playlists and, as a longtime #Chicago resident, your "This is a song for Mayor Daley..." intro still gives me chills.