Greg Schwem

Chicago, Lemont

Columnist, Tribune Content Agency and Business Humor Speaker at Freelance

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Articles

What to Expect When You’re Expecting a Rental Car

1 month ago | medium.com | Greg Schwem

How to ruin your upcoming summer vacation in two words? That’s easy: rental car. Allow me to walk you through the most frustrating, time-wasting, price-gouging start to what was supposed to be a week of hard-earned R&R. Come along for the ride — the one that begins before the actual ride you reserved. Pay close attention to the word “reserved” because it will be redefined on this journey. Has your plane landed? Excellent.
Want a Check? Make a Baby!

1 month ago | medium.com | Greg Schwem

Imagine you’re in a high-end retail clothing store browsing the latest fashions. Dismayed at the prices, you are about to leave when a store manager approaches you with an offer. A $5,000 check. Written on the spot. You can’t believe your good fortune. Suddenly everything from yoga pants to handbags looks enticing. And affordable. Then the manager reveals one minor detail. You have to spend $300,000 on merchandise before he whips out his checkbook.
Dining Alone at Breakfast

2 months ago | boomermagazine.com | Greg Schwem

Dinner may differ, but dining alone at breakfast holds a certain charm for humorist Greg Schwem, especially at independently owned diners. When it comes to breakfast, I am the opposite of a solomangarephobic. Bounce the word “solomangarephobia” off your therapist or that friend or family member who just likes to diagnose everybody. See if any of them know it’s the fear of dining alone in public. Better yet, find someone who suffers from this affliction and say you know the cure.
‘The Leftover Bolt Theory’

Mar 28, 2025 | boomermagazine.com | Greg Schwem

Through personal experience, humorist Greg Schwem has learned that a leftover bolt inevitably remains after a construction project, such as a standup desk, TV stand – and maybe the Gateway Arch.
Thanks to AI, This Comedian Will Soon Become a Pile Driver

Feb 20, 2025 | medium.com | Greg Schwem

Greg Schwem·FollowPublished inThe Haven·4 min read·--Loyal readers, if you hear of an entry-level job in pile driving, I have a request. DM me. ASAP. At 62, I have little interest in pounding large foundational supports for bridges and other construction projects into frozen soil. But my retirement portfolio could use a boost.
Disadvantages of 49 Other States

Feb 7, 2025 | boomermagazine.com | Greg Schwem

The cold weather in Chicago has finally gotten to humorist Greg Schwem, but when he considers the 49 other states, their disadvantages outweigh Illinois weather. The recent California wildfires have restarted the “why would anybody live there?” conversation. These doomsday chats always seem to surface whenever the Golden State endures an epic disaster be it fires, mudslides, earthquakes or the LA Chargers’ playoff performance.
When You Consider the Alternatives, This Polar Vortex Really Isn’t So Bad

Jan 22, 2025 | medium.com | Greg Schwem

Greg Schwem·FollowPublished inThe Haven·4 min read·--The recent California wildfires have restarted the “why would anybody live there?” conversation. These doomsday chats always seem to surface whenever the Golden State endures an epic disaster be it fires, mudslides, earthquakes or the LA Chargers’ playoff performance. Ditto for Florida, scene of “once in a lifetime” hurricanes that now seem to occur during any year containing a 2.
A Buc-ee’s Confession

Jan 17, 2025 | boomermagazine.com | Greg Schwem

His clean streak is over. Humorist Greg Schwem attempts to clear his conscience by giving us his wholehearted Buc-ee’s confession. Time for my annual end-of-year reflections and, when warranted, confessions. Regarding the latter, I have a big one this year; one that has haunted me since I committed a crime. Up until now, in my 62 years of life, I have remained free of police blotter entries.
Our Sunday Paper Edition: Holiday Trees, Humor and the Comics

Dec 1, 2024 | journalpress.substack.com | Greg Schwem |Russell Selander

Reminder: Tonight at 5 p.m. on the lawn behind town hall in Greenwich is the kickoff for Everlasting Lights. There will be music and merrymaking and refreshments, too. We may or may not be able to pull off a live stream — try our Facebook page around that time to see. If not, we’ll at least post after the event — or get our next print edition for photos. Also: Congrats to the Schuylerville Horses football team for winning yesterday in the state Class C semifinal.
Three Practices to Avoid As You Age

Nov 13, 2024 | boomermagazine.com | Greg Schwem |John Ficarra |Brian Marsh |Annie Tobey

From experience and the wisdom of age, humorist Greg Schwem has learned three common practices to avoid as you age, since they do not pair well with an aging body. BARRE BOOTCAMP!The phrase screamed at me as I entered my health club shortly after 5 a.m. last week. Written in blue marker on a whiteboard, “barre,” for those not familiar with ballet, is the horizontal bar dancers grip while performing certain exercises.

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Greg Schwem @GregSchwem

25 Jun 25

Ever have that #homefurnishing item you simply can't throw away? Read my dilemma. #humor #corporatecomedians #keynotespeaker #taxidermy https://t.co/Y9cWmtUi4W

Greg Schwem @GregSchwem

19 Jun 25

Of course you need a good #laugh today. Especially if you’re a #corporate #meetingplanner or #eventplanner. Spend 4 min watching my new sizzle reel #KeynoteSpeaker #emcee https://t.co/0uYoyhXAjL

Greg Schwem @GregSchwem

16 Jun 25

At what age do you say “I’m no longer going to buy anything that has to be assembled with an Allen Wrench?”