Jake Mooney

2 months ago | hard-drive.net | Jake Mooney

PELICAN TOWN — A phenomenon seeing a rise in short-term, noncommittal relationships has hit Stardew Valley, and residents are left with mixed opinions and broken hearts, forlorn sources confirmed. “Personally, I think they’re great,” JojaMart employee Shane expressed. “I think it’s unsustainable to limit yourself to just one person. Sometimes you want to hit the community center with one guy, then go to the movies with another.

Nov 9, 2024 | hard-drive.net | Jake Mooney

BURBANK, Calif. — Warner Bros Studios has announced their 2025 slate, with “Untitled Popcorn Bucket Project” being a topic of discussion nationwide, confused sources confirmed. “We’re really excited to share our newest projects with you,” Warner Bros spokesperson Maisie Paisley explained. “While we can’t dive too much into the details, we can tell you that this bucket will have a budget of $150 million and we hope it spawns a bucket-matic universe with at least three sequels.

Oct 29, 2024 | hard-drive.net | Jake Mooney

SAN DIEGO — A promising new hero shooter, “Slayers,” is looking as though it will outlive predecessors in its genre thanks to the ostentatious queerness of its roster, insider sources confirmed. “We studied what made hero shooters like ‘Overwatch’ so successful and shooters like ‘Battleborn’ and ‘Concord’ such major flops,” “Slayers” lead developer Alexa Prone outlined.

Oct 21, 2024 | hard-drive.net | Jake Mooney

SALEM, MA — A recent change in the size of Hershey’s bars has made tampering with the candy an impossible task for resident weird guy Harold Stalk, frustrated sources confirmed. “I’m just a little dumbfounded here,” Stalk vented his frustrations in his latest YouTube video on how Hershey’s shrinkflation has completely upended his purpose in life.

Aug 30, 2024 | hard-drive.net | Jake Mooney

HOUSTON — Jeanette Gold, the lone survivor of the Houston Hangman’s killing spree is reportedly struggling to see the silver lining of making it out alive, local hospital staff confirmed. “I mean, am I supposed to be grateful? I lost a hand, saw my best friend get impaled on a fence, and now my insurance is telling me they won’t cover my rehabilitation,” Gold told reporters. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy I didn’t get killed, but this really upends my plans for the month.