John Paul Brammer

New York, United States, Washington, D.C.

Contributing Columnist at The Washington Post

Writer and Columnist at Freelance

Writer at John Paul Brammer

Writer. Illustrator. Award-winning Joto.

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Articles

Exploring the Westboro Baptist Church's Discography

1 week ago | johnpaulbrammer.substack.com | John Paul Brammer

Your paid support makes creative projects like these possible. Thank you. It happens on occasion that even a recluse such as myself ends up in the predicament of having to do an “icebreaker.” In fact, it comes up more often than I’d like. This is because, as a globetrotting homosexual with body dysmorphia, I regularly find myself in boutique fitness classes in cities where I don’t live.
What Am I Supposed to Do?

4 weeks ago | johnpaulbrammer.substack.com | John Paul Brammer

¡Hola Papi! is the preeminent deranged advice column from writer and author John Paul Brammer. Support this column by sharing it and subscribing below, or by upgrading to a paid subscription for access to more columns. Send Papi a letter at [email protected]¡Hola Papi!This isn’t going to be a unique question. I imagine it’s one millions of people wake up with every morning these days.
Catholic Hymn Tier List

1 month ago | johnpaulbrammer.substack.com | John Paul Brammer

Your paid support makes creative projects like these possible. Thank you. Ranking Catholic hymns is no easy task. First of all, the Catholic Church has some absolute bangers. You don’t get a title like “the universal church” without producing an earworm or two, and the Church understood centuries ago what South Korea (K-Pop) and Kosovo (Dua Lipa & her lesser Albanian clones) understand in the present: to dominate hearts and minds, it helps to dominate the charts.
All My Thoughts on 'Emilia Pérez'

2 months ago | johnpaulbrammer.substack.com | John Paul Brammer

Your paid support makes creative endeavors like these possible. Thank you. I’m sitting now at John F. Kennedy International Airport waiting to board my flight to Mexico City, where I will be for several weeks. In the interest of being let into the country, I will be holding off on publishing this piece about Emilia Pérez until I’ve made it to my domicile.
M

2 months ago | johnpaulbrammer.substack.com | John Paul Brammer

Your paid support makes creative endeavors like these possible. Thank you. I’m thinking of the morning after the 2016 presidential election. What I remember most clearly is the mechanical whoosh of the M Train outside my window. I used to live under a bridge, not unlike a troll. It was a sound I was accustomed to. But it struck me as quite scandalous that morning, what with its bureaucratic nonchalance, the way it continued to run like nothing was out of the ordinary.
My Heinous Gift Guide for Sworn Enemies

2 months ago | johnpaulbrammer.substack.com | John Paul Brammer |Hunter Harris

Your paid support makes creative endeavors like these possible. Thank you. Greetings, naughty readers. It’s that time of year. Time for every last writer and publication on the internet to publish their Christmas-themed articles. Did you expect anything different from me? Aw, you shouldn’t have! Indeed, “you shouldn’t have” is what your wretched foe will be saying after you bequeath them something from this deeply unpleasant gift guide I’ve created for sworn enemies.
Shinichi Sawada’s Creatures

2 months ago | johnpaulbrammer.substack.com | John Paul Brammer

Welcome, cherished subscribers, to the Monthly Magpie, a new series in which I find something shiny out in the world and bring it back here to the nest. Last month, it was this essay on the rise of “AI sparkles.” Sometimes, I will do two a month. That’s just something you’ll have to live with. I chose this title because, as you’re doubtlessly aware, I’m obsessed with birds, and because I wanted to acknowledge the broad variety of topics I want to write about.
X Out

2 months ago | johnpaulbrammer.substack.com | John Paul Brammer

Your paid support makes creative endeavors like these possible. Thank you. Let me tell you a story about the killing of a bird. It’s as much a tragedy as it is a comedy. Twitter has been seeing a steady decline for some years now, but the recent election of Donald Trump initiated what’s been dubbed “the Xodus,” a seismic shift of daily users away from Twitter and toward rival platforms like Threads and Bluesky. I suppose I’m a part of that.
Things I Liked and Disliked in 'Megalopolis'

2 months ago | johnpaulbrammer.substack.com | John Paul Brammer

Your paid support makes creative endeavors like these possible. Thank you. I recently saw Megalopolis, the beleaguered passion project from legendary director Francis Ford Coppola, whose repertoire includes such classics as The Godfather, Apocalypse Now, and Bram Stoker’s Dracula.
On Actually Logging Off

Jan 17, 2025 | holapapi.substack.com | John Paul Brammer

This column is for paid subscribers to ¡Hola Papi! As a paid subscriber, you can read all the columns, leave comments, and send me a letter with a better chance of being answered! Either leave it in the comments or send it to [email protected] and note up top you are a paid subscriber. ¡Hola Papi!I’ve had a rocky relationship with social media. I’ve been off Instagram for five years now (it made me insanely jealous) and Twitter for about a year (I was tired of nonstop bad takes).