Kerry Davis

I asked my husband if he can bring a protractor home (he's a physicist) so I can calculate the angle a new baby monitor can adjust to and he's like: yes and we can calculate the tangent too. Like okay Mr. Sorcerer, I don't know what's happening but I like it!

RT @KFILE: They really need BuzzFeed quizzes for aging millennials with stuff like “which lifetime chronic disease are you just showing sig…

Some parent explain to me please why books and cuddles and story time CANNOT result in a nap but two mins in the car with Nick Drake is actual 🪄 toddler Ambien. Plus a banana to take two bites of and hold, I guess. What am I doing wrongggg.

This was always my struggle; I legit could never afford this. Happily we’re all out of first marriage age I think so yayyyyy I get to just attend and be the happiest guest there. ❤️

Jenée @jdesmondharris

I can't believe the tradition of paying a thousand dollars or more to be a bridesmaid has persisted when it works for almost no one. You're not supposed to ask friends to help you move but you can ask them to buy an expensive dress and take 2 vacations and cover your costs??

OH

It's felt too weird to post most of my random Twitter thoughts the last few months for obvious reasons, so pls find me at same username over on masthead social because I'm going to try it over there. But I'll miss all you so.

I overheard my husband’s poker night start with showing off our new fridge, to like very excited other dudes, and I’ve never felt more middle aged yet.

In our health system is ridiculous altogether, I give you: Literally reading my contact lens prescription to the clinician, and still needing to come in for a second appointment for a fitting fee of the lenses I already wear. For a $50 fee. You know, to ‘make sure’ they fit. 😆

An older woman at the grocery store just told my 2-year-old “you’re a noisy little boy aren’t you?!” While he happily stood beside me and gently shook a paper bag. I didn’t call her an old bitch back so I win the restraint prize

which mastodon server are you all going to? Bc eek choices.

If any normalish people are still here, can someone recommend a budgeting tool/app/website? you love to stick to a budget? Specifically for couples would be great- we keep getting hung up on not knowing what the other one is buying. (But I’m going to own this task.) thanks!

I know we're in a Twitter dumpster fire but can we talk about the @Netflix doc #KillerSally? How do we crowdfund hugs for her children because omg the heartbreak watching them describing their childhood and the lives they've lived since. Pure heartbreak.

Just when you think you’ll never hear CES again but then get forwarded CES embargoed launch emails, bc baby tech. OH YEAH. Baby people, let me knowww.

My first @wirecutter bylines are in this very sweet 1-year-old gift guide and I'm just tickled they're starting to roll in. Anyone with a baby: Get the baby sign language book stat. https://t.co/qtsD6Afhsm