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1 week ago | 
heraldscotland.com | Lorne Jackson
The Diary is now eagerly awaiting the Scottification of other notable works of fantasy. Very soon we are sure to be watching an improved movie version of C.S. Lewis’s classic yarn… The Highland Cow, The Witch and the Wardrobe. And instead of hobbits travelling to the evil land of Mordor, there will be an iteration of The Lord of the Rings where a fellowship of small hairy men called the nesbitts make their way from Glasgow into the heinous kingdom of England.
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1 week ago | 
heraldscotland.com | Lorne Jackson
JK Rowling: see "MacMagic" (Image: PA) Buzzing off The bush outside reader Graeme Watson’s flat is plagued by an infestation of bees, and Graeme is not happy about the situation. He has thought about having a stern word with the bustling, buzzy beasties and demanding that they change their postcode.
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1 week ago | 
heraldscotland.com | Lorne Jackson
Which inspired one of the group to say: “When I die, I want the words ‘HE WAS A HUMBLE FELLA’ carved on the door of my mausoleum.” Not my bag Unfortunately reader James Cooper missed a delivery from the pharmacy, so he had to traipse down there himself to pick up what he was needing. The dispenser behind the till briefly glanced at the receipt James handed him, then said: “Can you remember what it is that you’re meant to be getting from us?” “Quite a few different things,” admitted James.
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1 week ago | 
heraldscotland.com | Lorne Jackson
David Donaldson notes that Seattle Police sometimes deploy the Police Outreach Engagement Team, which he concludes is what people mean by poetic justice. (Image: Contributed) Shaky on Shakespeare The Diary is a passionate supporter of education. If just one of our reporters had graduated primary school, there truly would be no stopping us.
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1 week ago | 
heraldscotland.com | Lorne Jackson
His boss smiled at him in a fatherly manner, then said: “You look like a young fellow who’s going to have lots of imaginative ideas. How to get things done. Make improvements. That sort of thing.” Andy nodded eagerly, assuming he was about to receive a record-breaking promotion, after only a few minutes in the job. This illusion was sadly shattered when his boss added: “If that’s the case, keep those imaginative ideas to yourself. It’s my way or the highway.
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1 week ago | 
heraldscotland.com | Lorne Jackson
“Before the match,” he reports, “Celtic were looking forward, with absolute certainty, to winning the Scottish Cup, and yet another domestic treble. “Aberdeen, on the other hand, were looking forward to… keeping the score respectable.” Ah, but the Gods of Kicky-Ball can be cruel and fickle, and in a surprising twist of fate Aberdeen defied the odds and hot-footed it up north with the silverware. “It was something to do with penalties after extra-time, apparently,” reports our expert on the spot.
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2 weeks ago | 
heraldscotland.com | Lorne Jackson
But what about names which would have a whole new meaning, courtesy of the Glasgow vernacular? John Mulholland was perusing the BBC Sports news and couldn’t help but notice that the article had been written by a senior reporter whose name was… Nick Mashiter. Fear of fuzz The hot weather has led to an upsurge in mutant creepy-crawlies and buzzy-wuzzies, reports reader Stuart Clarke.
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2 weeks ago | 
heraldscotland.com | Lorne Jackson
The possibilities of a violent encounter are minimal, though there is a very great chance that a wayfarer in those bad lands will be laid low by a terminal case of pretentiousity (which in the Layman’s Medical Dictionary is defined as the inability to avoid expressing yourself in a long-winded and smarty-pants manner). Reader Gordon Sweeney was walking down Byres Road when he overheard two young fellows, who looked like students, chatting. Said one to the other: “Y’see, I’m just an ordinary guy.
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2 weeks ago | 
heraldscotland.com | Lorne Jackson
While dining out, David noticed a large group at the next table, and couldn't help overhearing a complicated tale involving a woman who had apparently dressed up as a nun. "She wis quite old," explained the narrator of the story. "And she'd a face that wid scare cats oot o' a midden". Our impressed correspondent marvels at this memorable turn of phrase, and says to the Diary: “See Glasgow?
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2 weeks ago | 
heraldscotland.com | Lorne Jackson
Here’s his lowdown on the low times… Monday: The locals are looking healthy and slim. Result of weight-loss drugs? No. The supermarket is running low on goods. Tuesday: "Have you got a Co-op card, sir?" "No. I ate it." Wednesday: Near riot as a crowd gathers outside the supermarket, baying for sustenance. A man foams at the mouth. Found to be the result of ingesting dishwasher tablets dipped in Bisto granules.
