Madeline Grant

England, London

Parliamentary Sketchwriter and Columnist at The Telegraph

Telegraph columnist and Parliamentary sketchwriter. Subject, not citizen

Articles

Gazumped again! Starmer’s big moment goes up in a puff of white smoke

6 days ago | aol.co.uk | Madeline Grant

It had to be one of the strangest press calls ever. Keir Starmer was surrounded by a group of black tracksuit-clad goons. There was the slight air of the Heaven’s Gate suicide cult. Round a phone, they gathered to tune into the disembodied voice of Donald Trump as he spoke about the weather. I say press call, actually most of the press were in taxis, having been sent to the wrong location by a Number 10 bungle.
Gazumped again! Starmer's big moment goes up in a puff of white smoke

6 days ago | telegraph.co.uk | Madeline Grant

The two main players handed over to the assorted flunkies. Mandy himself alluded to the Donald personally calling Oinky late at night, which conjures the delicious image of a blinking Starmer answering the phone at 3am, still wearing his Spam face mask. "What a beautiful accent," Trump observed at the end of Mandy's extended malicious purr. "My mother would be proud," oiled the Dark Lord in return. The spectre of chlorinated chicken loomed its feathered head once more.
When Starmer professes his love for pubs, you know nuclear annihilation must be nigh

1 week ago | telegraph.co.uk | Madeline Grant

The Lib Dems further embarrassed themselves in the form of Tessa Munt. Ms Munt is a sort of Ur-form liberal boomer: it was she who hectored Katie Lam for daring to mention the grooming gangs during a debate on child sexual abuse. Like some of her generation, technology clearly bemuses Ms Munt, and during her long and very boring question about wartime photography, her phone began to go off. Cue a scrabble by an elite squad of Lib Dem MPs to silence the offending device from within her handbag.
Only some victims get the sympathy of the Left

1 week ago | telegraph.co.uk | Madeline Grant
Starmer's tenure as PM is scarred by grooming gang failures

2 weeks ago | telegraph.co.uk | Madeline Grant

Mrs Badenoch wasn't the only party leader to ask awkward questions about the effects of unbridled immigration on towns across Britain. The Member for Clacton asked whether the PM would admit that his "smash the gangs" policy was not worth the paper it was written on. Clearly inundated with examples of towns where migrant hotels are causing resentment he chose one at random: Runcorn. This drew yowls and caterwauls from Labour and the gaggle of Lib Dems sitting behind him.
failed yet underrated PMs

2 weeks ago | telegraph.co.uk | Madeline Grant
Impossible is nothing when Farage is drafting policies

2 weeks ago | aol.co.uk | Madeline Grant

Zia Yusuf, the world’s most boring Rasputin. For someone who appears to have Nigel Farage under a sort of Svengalian spell, Mr Yusuf is possibly the most wooden performer in politics today. You almost wondered whether he’d called the press conference to tell the assembled media that he was a real boy after all. He makes Mel Stride look like Peter Ustinov. “We’ve been working very hard on the campaign trail,” Mr Yusuf informed the audience in his preamble.
Impossible is nothing when Farage is drafting policies

2 weeks ago | telegraph.co.uk | Madeline Grant
As Sir Keir spouted more porkies, Kemi made sausages out of him

3 weeks ago | telegraph.co.uk | Madeline Grant

Yet, unlike most piglets, he manages to be intensely patronising too. "I think this is the time to lower the temperature, to move forward and to conduct this debate with the care and compassion that it deserves", he said in his first answer to Mrs Badenoch; part ticking off, part vaunting hypocrisy. Visibly sick of this, the Leader of the Opposition, who had been given something pretty potent in her cornflakes this morning, went for the jugular.
Labour still cannot be trusted on women's rights

3 weeks ago | telegraph.co.uk | Madeline Grant