Mark Armstrong

Harrisville

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Articles

The Boisterous Birth of Chutney Curd

Jan 18, 2025 | medium.com | Mark Armstrong

He acted out even before he was outMark Armstrong·FollowPublished inMicrocosm·4 min read·--The doctor decided the situation called for some OLD technology. Illustration: Mark ArmstrongThey wheeled Lemona Curd into the delivery room. She was covered with purple bruises. “Who did this??” demanded the doctor, whose name was Rash. He was glad he wasn’t a dermatologist. “My li’l Snookums,” said Lemona, patting her stomach. “He’s been kicking me for nine months.
I Fell In Love With A Potted Palm

Jan 7, 2025 | medium.com | Mark Armstrong

Sometimes it pays to keep a low profile at partiesMark Armstrong·FollowPublished inMicrocosm·4 min read·--Her voice was breathy. “I love watching you eat,” she whispered. I froze. Illustration: Mark ArmstrongI got invited to parties as a kid. The kind where the other kid doesn’t want to invite you, but his mother makes him do it just to be polite. I’d go and be ignored and hope there might be a dog or cat I could play with. Same thing when I got out of school.
I Was Afraid to Ride The Dragon and Always Wound Up in the Duck

Dec 11, 2024 | medium.com | Mark Armstrong |Ben Ulansey

I finally told someone about my coin-operated childhood traumaMark Armstrong·FollowPublished inThought Thinkers·4 min read·--It made this wimpy little quack and hardly moved at all… Illustration: Mark ArmstrongI’m 31 years old. I finally decided to talk to a therapist. When I’m lying on her couch, I’m 3-years-old again. It all comes rushing back like it was yesterday. I’m at the grocery store with Mom. I’m riding around in the cart while celery and mushroom soup and SpaghettiOs pile up around me.
A Hallmark Christmas Movie Satire

Dec 7, 2024 | medium.com | Mark Armstrong

YuletideSometimes it takes attempted murder for true love to blossomMark Armstrong·FollowPublished inTantalizing Tales·3 min read·--You can count on coal in your stocking, too. Illustration: Mark ArmstrongIt all starts when Stevie squeals on the mob. He was looking at ninety-nine years, maybe even life, so he figured he’d sing and take his chances. So the feds put him in a safe house.
Christmas Cards That Even Made The Grinch Giggle

Nov 26, 2024 | medium.com | Mark Armstrong

Funny cards for folks with good taste who want to send the bestMark Armstrong·FollowPublished inThe Haven·4 min read·--A kid’s gotta eat; All illustrations & card designs: Mark ArmstrongI like funny Christmas cards, and I’ve designed quite a few. I thought I’d feature some of my favorites in this post. You’ll notice each card has 2 or 3 possible inside greetings. Why is that? I have a little shop on the Fine Art America platform where you can buy cards.
A Snake's Guide To Scamming People

Nov 20, 2024 | medium.com | Mark Armstrong

I call myself a marketer. I tell people I’m in sales. It sounds better than “con man.”I send out spam emails. Did you ever get the one that asks “Need testosterone?” How about “Get rid of ugly belly fat”? I probably sent it. I’m a snake. I also post about shortcuts on social media. I tell people what they want to hear. It’s the same old con, and it always works. The secret? Repackaging. Same old song, but you change the key. Maybe play a violin instead of a tuba. It’s easy.
Cockroaches, Cocktails, and The Double-Edged Sword of Resistance

Nov 6, 2024 | medium.com | Mark Armstrong

Plus the perils of helping little old ladies cross the streetMark Armstrong·FollowPublished inMicrocosm·3 min read·--They’re nasty, noxious, and persistent, but I’ve got a Cube that’s roach-resistant; Illustration: Mark ArmstrongGeorge was a tech guy. Or maybe a writer. I was never sure which. He was focused, George was. Nose to the grindstone. He hated distractions. Called them cockroaches. Gotta resist, he’d say. Gotta keep the roaches away.
How The Best Halloween Trick of All Time Went Down the Toilet

Oct 30, 2024 | medium.com | Mark Armstrong

Or how to be naughty and stupid at the same timeMark Armstrong·FollowPublished inLodestar Gazette·3 min read·--A beautiful garage, of darkish green, calling out, for shaving cream… Illustration: Mark ArmstrongHalloween? Count me in. Nowadays it’s because I’m out in the country and almost never get any trick-or-treaters, so I get to eat all the candy myself. But back the day, when I was a kid, I had to work for my candy. And I was more than happy to make the rounds.
My Near Death Experiences and How They’re Going to Make Me Rich

Oct 22, 2024 | medium.com | Mark Armstrong

You never know what info you might pick up in the afterlifeMark Armstrong·FollowPublished inLodestar Gazette·3 min read·--I met St. Peter, he thought I was a cheater; Illustration: Mark ArmstrongI got a coupon in the mail from Near Death Experiences, Inc. A free trial offer. I never say no to “free.”Probably because I’m an illustrator with no money. People see me carrying this case around and think it’s a laptop. It’s a small suitcase I found in a dumpster.
The Joys, Dangers, and True Horrors of Bringing in Firewood

Oct 22, 2024 | medium.com | Mark Armstrong

How to survive it all, and maybe even enjoy itMark Armstrong·FollowPublished inThe Haven·4 min read·--Use your teeth, think: utensil, bestest way, to sharpen pencil. Illustration: Mark ArmstrongIt’s fall here in New Hampshire, and I’m bringing in firewood. Trudge, trudge. From woodpile to garage and back again. Sounds boring, but I have to be alert to danger and the horrors lurking in my woodpile. Anybody else heat with wood? Or have a morbid curiosity about it?