Marty Smith

Portland

Willamette Week's "Dr. Know" and guitar player for PDX murder-pop phenoms Slutty Hearts. Avid indoorsman. Addicted to powdered cheese.

Articles

Are Drug Companies Making Up Bizarre Product Names to Screw With Us?

1 week ago | wweek.com | Marty Smith

You’d think companies would want their products’ names to be memorable, catchy and descriptive: Windex, Duracell, KitchenAid. So why has Big Pharma been doing the exact opposite for the past few years? I just saw an ad for a drug whose consumer-facing product name is—hand to God—“Bimzelx.” Are they just fucking with us?
What’s the Risk of Buying a House With an Underground Heating Oil Tank?

2 weeks ago | wweek.com | Marty Smith

My friend is shopping for houses. The one she likes has an underground heating oil tank. We’ve both heard vaguely scary things about these tanks (words like “DEQ” and “thousands of dollars” were involved), but we’re hazy on the details. What’s the actual scoop? —Oily BirdWhen I was a child, I had a toy/game called “Time Bomb.” It was designed to resemble a cartoon bomb, with a windup mechanical timer for a wick.
Is There Any Way to Tell Which Political Fundraising Texts Are Legit?

4 weeks ago | wweek.com | Marty Smith

I receive a ton of Democratic Party-adjacent fundraising texts. I’m pretty sure a lot of them are scams, but I still feel a pang of guilt responding to progressive heroes like Pete Buttigieg or Elizabeth Warren with a bitchy “UNSUBSCRIBE.” Is there any way to tell which ones are legit and which I can nuke with a clear conscience? —Brisket QueenI used to worry about turning into a Republican.
Why Do Grocers Cover Their Potatoes at Night?

1 month ago | wweek.com | Marty Smith

While grocery shopping at night, I’ve noticed the potatoes in the produce section being covered with some kind of blanket or tarp. I haven’t seen any other vegetables treated this way. Has the Oregon Liquor and Cannabis Commission banned potato sales after 9 pm? Or do the tubers have trouble sleeping with the light shining in their “eyes”? (Get it?) —Kathie L. Don’t quit your day job, Kathie.
Are Bars That Serve Hard Liquor Still Required to Serve Hot Food?

1 month ago | wweek.com | Marty Smith

I have always heard that in Oregon, places that serve hard liquor are required to serve hot food, and the food is supposed to be some minimum percentage of total sales. Some places, however, offer only a few microwaved snacks that nobody buys. Is this yet another rule effectively killed by COVID? —Hungry BarflyCOVID certainly did turn our world upside down, Barfly.
Can I Flush My Dog’s Feces Down the Toilet So It Gets Treated Properly?

1 month ago | wweek.com | Marty Smith

Can I flush my dog’s feces down the toilet so it gets treated properly? Would anybody buy special dog toilet paper to pick it up? Isn’t sealing poop in plastic a little bit stupid? —Warm and SteamyIf your plan is to flush your dog’s poop down the toilet, Steamy, I would argue that sealing it in a plastic bag makes at least as much sense as shoving it in your jeans pocket until you get home, but it’s your call.
Why Are Three Unfinished Freeway Off-Ramps Dangling Over the Void?

1 month ago | wweek.com | Marty Smith

Between the Interstate 5–Interstate 84 interchange and the Fremont Bridge, there are at least three unfinished freeway off-ramps that just end, dangling over the void. Was the Oregon Department of Transportation planning for off-ramps they couldn’t ultimately afford, or were the engineers just hoping to set Portland up as the scene of an epic Speed-inspired bus jump? —Jackie M. There are certain questions I get asked over and over again.
Are There Any Rules About What You Can Sell Under the Name “Whiskey”?

2 months ago | wweek.com | Marty Smith

I recently sampled a shot of McCormick’s, an extremely inexpensive whiskey. Frankly, it didn’t taste like whiskey at all; it was more like cheap vodka with some imitation butterscotch flavoring and maybe something to make it brown. Are there any rules about what you can and can’t sell under the name “whiskey”? —These Shots Are FiredI’m shocked that you think I—a pillar of the community whose temperance is rivaled only by his piety—would have any knowledge of such iniquities, Shots.
What Does It Mean to Say a Dog Is as Smart as a 2-Year-Old Child?

2 months ago | wweek.com | Marty Smith

A dog trainer recently told me a dog has roughly the intellect of a 2- to 2½-year-old child. But what does that mean? Are we talking about understanding language? Emotional intelligence? Object permanence? Is this just one of those bogus factoids people repeat because they heard it somewhere? —Brian GriffinDepends on your definition of “bogus,” Brian. The claim comes from Dr. Stanley Coren’s 1994 book The Intelligence of Dogs.
Should I Panic About the Termite in the Fence Around My House?

2 months ago | wweek.com | Marty Smith

While doing some repairs on the decaying cedar fence around my house, I saw a termite between the boards. If there’s one, I assume there are more. Should I be in full panic mode? I don’t want my house to get eaten because I did nothing. —House DutifulWe don’t hear much about termites in Portland these days, Dutiful.

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Marty Smith @martysmithxxx

3 Jun 24

Put $900 cash in a @BankofAmerica ATM. First got "There is a problem with this ATM," then a spinning "please wait" ball for 10 minutes, finally it crashed back to "Welcome" screen. Now app says I deposited just $390, and no one at BofA will answer the phone. @BofA_Help #ripoff

Marty Smith @martysmithxxx

30 Mar 24

WIN SOME AFFORD-A-BOARD PEDALS! #giveaway #win https://t.co/jm0iFeXwXl

Marty Smith @martysmithxxx

2 May 23

If you're hoping nobody's going to find out about it, you probably shouldn't be doing it.