Nathan Cowley

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Articles

Donald Trump has haemorrhoids, confirms Mark Zuckerberg

Jan 15, 2025 | newsthump.com | Nathan Cowley

It’s been revealed today that billionaire Mark Zuckerberg is so far up Donald Trump’s arse that he can see haemorrhoids forming inside the next US president’s rectum. Mark Zuckerberg has been seemingly cosying up to Trump in recent months, with his conglomerate Meta donating $1m to Trump’s inauguration. “At least I’m not lonely up here,” Zuckerberg told us from deep inside Trumps anal passage. “I have my old pal Jeff Bezos to keep me company.
‘Just divorced!’ banner added to SNP camper van

Jan 14, 2025 | newsthump.com | Nathan Cowley

Former Scottish first minister Nicola Sturgeon has affixed a ‘Just divorced!’ banner to the back of the infamous SNP camper van, it’s been revealed today. Following the announcement that Nicola Sturgeon would be getting divorced from her long-term husband Peter Murrell, the couple are now in the process of dividing up their possessions. “He can keep The Krankies CDs,” Sturgeon told us. “But there’s no way he’s getting the Lord of the Rings extended editions Blu-ray box set.
‘Wait, are we supposed to be celibate?’ ask Catholic priests

Jan 13, 2025 | newsthump.com | Nathan Cowley

The Vatican has confirmed that gay men can become priests as long as they remain celibate, prompting blind panic from all the other priests who definitely haven’t been. “I thought it was more of a friendly suggestion,” admitted Catholic priest Fr. Williams. “You know, just a slap on the wrist and ‘don’t do that again’ kind of thing. “Maybe I should get off Tinder, thinking about it. It’s probably not a good look when I’m up there at the pulpit swiping like a mad man. “It’s not gonna be easy.
Mark Zuckerberg legally changes name to ‘Elon’

Jan 10, 2025 | newsthump.com | Nathan Cowley

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has legally changed his name to ‘Elon’ after announcing Meta would be ditching fact-checkers and replacing them with community notes similar to X. Zuckerberg, who also debuted a new short black hairstyle and South African accent, said his name change had nothing to do with trying to copy billionaire rival Elon Musk. “I’ve always wanted to be called that,” Elon the Second told us. “This isn’t about trying to compete with Musk. I just like the name, okay?
Buying countries is cheating, insists Hitler

Jan 10, 2025 | newsthump.com | Nathan Cowley

Veteran dictator Adolf Hitler has slammed Donald Trump after the incoming US president indicated he’d be interested in buying countries such as Greenland and Canada. “Back in my day you actually had to invade a country,” Hitler told us. “Kids these days think they can just wave their chequebooks around and achieve world domination. It’s not that simple, Sonny Jim. “Maybe I’m just old-fashioned, but the art of dictatorship has lost some of its magic in recent years.
UK set for more floods as Sports Direct mug knocked over

Jan 8, 2025 | newsthump.com | Nathan Cowley

The UK has been told to brace for more flooding after a man accidentally knocked over his Sports Direct mug. Local resident Simon Williams has today apologised for his clumsiness, with Met Office issuing a red alert for flooding across multiple parts of the country. “I blame the dog,” Williams told us. “She was jumping up trying to get the biscuit out of my hand and the tea just spilled everywhere. It was absolute carnage. “I’ve called all my neighbours to warn them.
Next Prime Minister to be much less handsome, confirms Canada

Jan 7, 2025 | newsthump.com | Nathan Cowley

Canada has today confirmed their next prime minister won’t be nearly as handsome as the outgoing Justin Trudeau. The Canadian prime minister and Aladdin-impersonator resigned yesterday after nearly a decade in power, though everybody was too busy staring into his big, blue eyes to notice anything he was saying. “I didn’t even know he’d resigned until later that night,” said Canadian resident Simon Le Williams. “I couldn’t stop looking at his hair. How does he get it so shiny?
Harry Potter fans furious actual wizard wasn’t cast as Severus Snape

Dec 11, 2024 | newsthump.com | Nathan Cowley

Fans have been left fuming after learning HBO are planning to cast a muggle as Severus Snape in the upcoming Harry Potter series. Harry Potter fanatic Derek Williams said he was livid upon hearing the rumours BAFTA-nominated actor Paapa Essiedu had been offered the role of the Hogwarts professor. “It’s just become another tick-box exercise,” Williams told us. “It seems to be happening with every TV series and film nowadays. “Where does it say in the book that Severus Snape was a muggle?
Culture Secretary Lisa Nandy enhances image of the government by arriving at PMQs in a brand-new Bugatti

Dec 11, 2024 | newsthump.com | Nathan Cowley

Culture secretary Lisa Nandy has been spotted arriving ahead of today’s Prime Minister’s Questions in a brand new Bugatti Chiron. Stepping out of the £2 million super-car, Nandy was seen swilling her mouth with Moët before eventually spitting it out and walking into the Commons. “It’s all about appearances,” junior minister Simon Williams told us. “The extra expense is justified if it enhances the image of the government. What do you expect?
David Coote given asylum in Moscow, confirms Kremlin

Dec 9, 2024 | newsthump.com | Nathan Cowley

The Kremlin has today confirmed that former Premier League referee David Coote has been granted asylum in Moscow. “David will be safe here,” Russian president and Everton fan Vladimir Putin told us. “He arrived in Moscow this morning after agreeing to a peaceful transition of power to Paul Tierney. “Contrary to what the Western media will have you believe, David Coote is a man of absolute honour and integrity. The newly released video of him taking a sh*t on a Mo Salah shirt is clearly fake.