Neil Tollfree

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Articles

Oh no! My cat is the reincarnation of Genghis Khan

Jan 17, 2025 | newsthump.com | Neil Tollfree

When Jenny Grace got a kitten from the local rescue centre, she thought she might have to clean up the occasional mess behind the curtain and maybe get a cover for her sofa so it doesn’t get too scratched. Instead, she’s had to contend with the sacking of her living room and the emergence of the Mongol Steppe as a great power in the household. “Buttons was a lovely kitten. Friendly and playful, and ever so cute,” explained Jenny.
New study finds humans domesticated Belgians as early as 10,000 years ago

Jan 10, 2025 | newsthump.com | Neil Tollfree

Belgians have been a feature of everyday life for so long now that it is hard to imagine everyday life without them. But, history has shown us that that Belgians, many thousands of years ago, used to run wild in packs across the vast plains of the low countries in northwestern Europe, having little of no interaction with humans.
Council bans baubles, imagines Chelmsford man

Dec 6, 2024 | newsthump.com | Neil Tollfree

Baubles can cause offence to people who don’t like baubles, say the council humbugs who live inside man’s thoughts. Len Cabbage, an unemployed stamp-licker from Chelmsford, has imagined a scenario where the local council bans baubles and he’s not allowed to hang the cheery, inoffensive decorations on his tree this year. “It’s disgraceful is what it is,” he said, clearly outraged by what had been taking place within his own mind. “They said that baubles could be offensive to people.
The Terminator and a 300-pound gorilla - Donald Trump’s most surprising cabinet picks so far

Nov 21, 2024 | newsthump.com | Neil Tollfree

There was surprise in America overnight as further details emerged of President-elect Donald Trump’s nominations for his cabinet. Firstly his chief of staff will be a 300-pound gorilla called Buster. Buster has no experience in politics. He was, as far as we know, picked because when President-elect Trump went to the zoo in 2015, Buster made him laugh by blowing a raspberry. Secretary of Defence will be the Terminator.
COP29 delegates reach historic agreement to turn that bloody light off if you’re not in there

Nov 15, 2024 | newsthump.com | Neil Tollfree

The delegates at COP29 have announced that they have reached an agreement to all turn that bloody light off if you’re not in there anymore. The negotiations were tense and threatened to collapse when no provision could be found for what happens if you were going back in there in a minute, but ultimately it was agreed that even if you’re not in there for a minute, you can still quickly flick the light switch off and then turn it back on when you go back in again.
Democrats pledge to learn absolutely no hard lessons from devastating loss

Nov 8, 2024 | newsthump.com | Neil Tollfree

In the wake of the catastrophic election loss that could possibly threaten the fate of the Western world, the Democratic Party have pledged to learn absolutely no hard lessons at all. “Less smug people. People less certain of their own moral superiority. Those sort of people would attempt to learn some lessons from this sort of defeat,” explained Chet, a man with a reassuring smile and expensive glasses.
US to replace national anthem with the Benny Hill theme

Nov 6, 2024 | newsthump.com | Neil Tollfree

Following a Donald Trump win in the Presidential election, the US has announced plans to abandon the Star-Spangled Banner as National Anthem in favour of the Benny Hill theme, Yakety Sax. “The Star-Spangled Banner is a beautiful old hymn of hope and decency,” explained American historian, Simon Williams, through tears at what his country had become.
Water company spokesperson apologises for dumping sewage through letterboxes

Nov 1, 2024 | newsthump.com | Neil Tollfree

A spokesperson for Eastern Water has today apologised after the company spent the last three months pumping raw sewage through the letterboxes of customers throughout the region. “I’d like to offer a heartfelt apology for dumping raw sewage through your letterboxes every day for the last three months,” said Barry Satan, a spokesperson for Eastern Water.
Kemi Badenoch dresses up as Kemi Badenoch for Halloween party

Oct 31, 2024 | newsthump.com | Neil Tollfree

Former Business Secretary and Tory leadership hopeful Kemi Badenoch is planning to terrify the other guests at the Annual Tory Halloween party by dressing up as Kemi Badenoch. “It was bloody petrifying,” said a fellow party-goer. “The fancy dress was pretty good for most people. There was a Frankenstein, a Freddie Krueger, a ghost of a sensible fiscal policy. But it was all in good fun. “But then Kemi walked in dressed as Kemi Badenoch and my blood froze.
Business owners hit hardest by Budget because they don’t use schools, roads, hospitals or police

Oct 31, 2024 | newsthump.com | Neil Tollfree

As the details of yesterday’s Budget have become clearer, it seems clear that those hit hardest will be business-owners. It is business-owners who will bear the brunt of the National Insurance increase and the Living Wage increase. Unfortunately, as business-owners famously don’t use the police, the fire service, roads, hospitals, social services, schools, or parks then they will see no benefit from the massive investment plans outlined in this Budget.