Nick Coffman

1 week ago | hard-drive.net | Nick Coffman

ANIMAL VILLAGE — Following a dip in the Stalk Market where turnip prices hit an all time low, a new generation of villagers are struggling to keep up and are now being priced out of home ownership. Realtor and entrepreneur, Tom Nook, discussed the housing crisis in a recent town hall meeting. “The bell just doesn’t stretch as far as it used to, I’m afraid,” Nook said, prior to announcing a price increase to all Nook properties in the village.

2 weeks ago | hard-drive.net | Nick Coffman

AUGUSTA, Ga. — Ahead of the Masters this weekend, representatives of the famous tournament at Augusta National Golf Club have confirmed this year’s key sponsor would be the upcoming second season of HBO’s The Last of Us. The new partnership was announced in a joint press conference by actor Pedro Pascal. “Nothing says spring like The Masters and good ass shows on HBO,” Pascal said gleefully to an audience who applauded at a respectful volume. “I mean get this.

2 weeks ago | hard-drive.net | Nick Coffman

WASHINGTON — Wandering awkardly around the country, kill screen enthusiast Brian Kuh stopped at several landmarks and shouted at the top of his lungs about an upcoming United States kill screen that was quickly approaching. “U.S. kill screen coming up at the White House, if anyone wants to watch,” the former Donkey Kong prodigy shouted at a group of lost tourists who were just looking for directions to the Lincoln Memorial.

3 weeks ago | hard-drive.net | Nick Coffman

KYOTO, Japan — After a rough 2024, Toronto rapper Drake has joined the cast of the upcoming Legend of Zelda adaptation as Tingle, the middle-aged map maker who believes he’s a fairy. Legendary game developer, Shigeru Miyamoto, who is also a producer on the film, announced the casting in a video posted on the Nintendo Today app. “We are very excited to have Mr. Graham on board to play Tingle. We knew we wanted a map expert in the role,” Miyamoto said with his lovable smile.

3 weeks ago | hard-drive.net | Nick Coffman

WASHINGTON — Democratic leadership packed the aisles of the Boardwalk Bar and Arcade earlier this week as the continue timer on a Mortal Kombat cabinet ticked down to zero. After failing to take down Shang Tsung, Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer calmed onlookers, reassuring them that this was all a part of his master plan. “Why put another quarter in now when I’m just going to find myself right back at the continue screen a few moments later?” Schumer said, jingling the change in his pocket.