Nick Coffman

Former Athlete with the knees to prove it || Comedy Writer || Jokes on @HardDriveMag || Host of @SmshingGameTime || Prisoner on @Standnwatch

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Articles

Algorithm Figures You’ll Enjoy This Beheading

2 weeks ago | hard-drive.net | Nick Coffman

After hours of TheNeedleDrop reviews, gameplay videos, and painful cave deaths from The Paint Explainer, our algorithm figures you’ll really enjoy this beheading video. Why don’t you go ahead and give it a watch? I see that concern on your face. You think if you watch one little beheading video you’ll get a taste for it. I promise you that is not the case. Out of the thousands of people I’ve recommended beheading videos to, only a couple hundred go on to watch another beheading video.
In Celebration of Pride Month Aperture Science Abducts First Gay Test Subject

2 weeks ago | hard-drive.net | Nick Coffman

HANCOCK, Mich. — In honor of Pride Month, Aperture Science Inc. has abducted their first gay test subject in company history. The groundbreaking abduction was confirmed earlier this week in a video featuring the overseer of the company’s Enrichment Center, GLaDOS. “I am ashamed to say that we are behind the times at the Enrichment Center,” GLaDOS said as a robotic arm extended a tissue to wipe artificial tears from her eye.
Elon Musk Quits Government Job to Focus on Improving Animal Crossing Village

3 weeks ago | hard-drive.net | Nick Coffman

WASHINGTON — Elon Musk is ending his government work to focus on improving his village in Animal Crossing: New Horizons. Musk confirmed his distancing from President Trump as well as his latest endeavor, during a Twitch stream earlier this week. “Wait, you don’t have enough bells for the house right away,” Musk said to a Twitch chat full of bots and chuds. “This is unrealistic. I should have enough bells to buy this whole stupid island. Who only has one-thousand bells?
Craig Mazin Doesn't Believe Ms. Pac-Man Capable of Eating Hostile Ghosts

3 weeks ago | hard-drive.net | Nick Coffman

LOS ANGELES — Hot off his work on Borderlands and the latest season of HBO’s The Last of Us, writer-director, Craig Mazin, has been tapped to pen a film adaptation of the arcade classic, Ms. Pac-Man. Mazin, who recently promised he was done with game adaptations, backtracked on that promise days later, after Bandai Namco offered him a duffle bag filled with cash to bring gaming’s first heroine to the big screen.
Spidey Sense Fails To Detect Pyramid Scheme

1 month ago | hard-drive.net | Nick Coffman

NEW YORK — The once amazing Spider-Man has reportedly started moonlighting as a salesman for multi-level marketing company and creator of Cutco Knives, Cutco Corporation. Residents all over New York were shocked to find the web crawler knocking on their doors last week offering them a chance to sell knives with their very own starter kit. “Freaking Spider-Man, at my door?
Report: Final Fantasy Themed Orgy Ruined by 100% Cid Turnout

1 month ago | hard-drive.net | Nick Coffman

IOWA CITY, Iowa — What was supposed to be a fun night of magicka and love making ended in disaster when a local Final Fantasy themed orgy was attended exclusively by Cid cosplayers. Thomas Figg, horny party host and the only person not dressed as some version of Cid, shared his disappointment with local news stations. “I thought this would be a good way to meet fellow Final Fantasy fans,” Figg said, wearing his Neo Bahamut cosplay. “I thought I’d meet a cute Yuna cosplayer or a Tifa.
Is Gears of War the Next Sonic? The Pregnant Marcus Fenix I Just Drew Thinks So

1 month ago | hard-drive.net | Nick Coffman

Xbox gamers upset over Gears of War leaping over to the PlayStation, I come to soothe your pain. Forget the fact that more people are going to enjoy an updated version of the original. The end of Gear’s console exclusivity puts Marcus, Dom, and the rest of Cog in the good company of Sega and Sonic the Hedgehog. Don’t believe me? Look at this pregnant Marcus Fenix I just drew. The floodgates are open. The entire series is going to find its way to the PlayStation (and maybe even Switch 2).
Team Cherry Hires George R. R. Martin to Help Wrap Up Silksong Development

1 month ago | hard-drive.net | Nick Coffman

ADELAIDE, South Australia — With the finish line for Hollow Knight: Silksong on the horizon, Team Cherry has brought on famed fantasy writer and lore connoisseur, George R.R. Martin, to write additional backstory for the game. Team Cherry Co-Director, Ari Gibson confirmed the new hire on a Twitch live stream earlier this week. “When it comes to lore, nobody beats George,” Gibson said, holding up his sticky note-covered copy of A Dance with Dragons with its spine worn down to the pages.
Kennedy Announces Ban on Most Mountain Dew Flavors

2 months ago | hard-drive.net | Nick Coffman

WASHINGTON — US Health Secretary, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., announced a ban on all Mountain Dew flavors, except for Baja Blast earlier this week, as part of his ongoing war on sugar. His latest ban came during a heated news conference where Kennedy disparaged the soft drink’s variety of flavors. “You want to put something called ‘Code Red’ in your body, yet, I’m the crazy one,” Kennedy said to members of the press as they gulped down what remained of their newly banned favorite flavors.
Loved Sinners? Here’s 5 Other Pieces of Vampire Media You’ll Love by Old White Guys

2 months ago | hard-drive.net | Nick Coffman

Sinners blew the doors off of the box office this weekend and left its mark on Hollywood and movie goers alike. I had my issues with the film (it needed more Irish jigs and less cunnilingus). All that aside, Ryan Coogler’s vampiric period piece about appropriation and assimilation still dances around in my head and has me craving more vampire media. I saw my colleagues of the written word were making vampire recommendations and lists, so I thought I would too.