Patrick Coyne

Midwest

Coyne Architects Architectural firm led by Patrick Coyne, focusing on solutions for Government, Education, Healthcare and Commercial clients.

Articles

Hey Lumon, What The Hell Have You Been Feeding My Innie?

2 weeks ago | medium.com | Patrick Coyne

Member-only storyPatrick Coyne·FollowPublished inSlackjaw·3 min read·--Image by rawpixel.com via FreepikDear Lumon, this is Optic and Design manager Matthew Belinski. I am writing to you from the tiled confines of my townhome bathroom, attempting to defuse a food bomb planted by the gastrointestinal terrorist Matt B., aka my innie. I must (once again) ask — what in God’s names have you been feeding him down there??
I’m Chunk’s Mother, and No, He Did Not Consult Me Before Telling Sloth He Could Live with Us

1 month ago | mcsweeneys.net | Patrick Coyne

Motherhood is all about making sacrifices and supporting your children, no matter how outrageous their decisions may be. I’ve learned to accept the fact that my son Lawrence (whose friends rudely refer to him as “Chunk”) wants to be a “Goonie.” But this? THIS? Nothing in Dr. Spock’s many voluminous books could have prepared me for housing a nearly seven-foot-tall, three-hundred-pound slop-eating human wrecking ball known only as “Sloth.”Look, I get it.
I Gave a Thousand Typewriters to a Thousand Monkeys, but Instead of Hamlet, They Just Keep Writing Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar

2 months ago | mcsweeneys.net | Patrick Coyne

Any scientist worth their salt eventually becomes accustomed to unpredictability. The unfortunate reality is that the majority of experiments fail—lab rats explode, bacteria escape the petri dish, etc. Still, I never anticipated that things could ever go this awry.
I Am Your Super-Thin, Yellowing, Old Bed Pillow - Please Put Me Out of My Misery

2 months ago | pointsincase.com | Patrick Coyne

“As we go on, we remember, all the times we, had together” —Vitamin CWe’ve had a good run these past two decades. Me, a sweat-stained, yellowing bed pillow. You, a 42-year-old single man that clearly hasn't lived with a woman since moving out of his mom’s place. And now, after years of supporting you both literally and figuratively, there’s only one thing left to do. Please kill me. It’s time.
Oh No! The Gak From The Nickelodeon Time Capsule Has Escaped

Jan 21, 2025 | medium.com | Patrick Coyne

Patrick Coyne·FollowPublished inSlackjaw·3 min read·--Image Credit: FlickrWell, it’s finally happened, people. The day we all feared has arrived. After more than 30 years, the Gak has escaped the Nickelodeon Time Capsule and is seeking revenge against its captors. May God have mercy on us all. You said I was crazy for insisting a concrete tube buried under 3 feet of Florida peat soil would not be enough to contain the Gak.
Real-Life Cinderella: This Woman’s Dealing With a Rodent Infestation and Her Family Hates Her

Jan 20, 2025 | thehardtimes.net | Patrick Coyne

Take note, Charles Perrault! And would someone PLEASE shove the hemorrhaging corpse of Grace Kelly out of the driver’s seat?? Because there’s a new, real-life Cinderella in town, and she’s a 36-year-old unemployed Missouri woman with a severe rodent infestation.
Stop Blaming Boomers Because the Janitor We Immolated is Trying to Murder You in Your Dreams

Nov 26, 2024 | pointsincase.com | Patrick Coyne

Nowadays it's very popular among younger generations to blame every little thing on Baby Boomers, from climate change to the skyrocketing cost of housing. The latest attempt at generational character assassination is blaming Baby Boomers for the rash of supernatural murders occurring in and around Elm Street. And the young people say we’re at fault because we were the ones that immolated the creepy janitor that is now haunting their dreams. Umm, excuse me? How exactly is this our doing?
I Found a Bar Where Everybody Knows My Name, but They’ve Been Chanting It for the Last Three Hours and Won’t Stop

Nov 18, 2024 | pointsincase.com | Patrick Coyne

Making your way in the world today takes everything you’ve got. And it’s always been my dream to find a place where everybody knows my name and also ignores my growing alcohol dependency. So naturally, I was overjoyed when I stumbled across a friendly little, unmarked basement bar several flights below the earth’s surface. And wouldn’t you know it? Despite this being my first time there ever, everyone knew my name and even yelled it at me in unison when I entered.
I Didn’t Join This Dodgeball League for Christian Singles to Make Friends

Nov 6, 2024 | pointsincase.com | Patrick Coyne

It’s time we get a few things straight. None of you like me, and I sure as heck don’t like any of you. I joined this Thursday evening, co-ed dodgeball league for two reasons and two reasons only. To give thanks to our Lord Jesus Christ, and to win. But frankly, I feel like I am busting my buns while the rest of you lollygag around making personal connections and giving testimony.
Punk House Only has Junk Drawers

Sep 17, 2024 | thehardtimes.net | Patrick Coyne

TACOMA, Wash. — Punk house squatter Dave Giles reportedly converted virtually every open space within his home into a junk drawer, cluttered sources confirmed. “Dave’s letting me sleep on his couch while I kick my Funko Pop addiction. I asked him if he had some walnut crackers and rubber bands so I could craft a few DIY mousetraps, and he told me to check the junk drawer,” said friend Kara Stokes.