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Patrick Coyne

Midwest

Coyne Architects Architectural firm led by Patrick Coyne, focusing on solutions for Government, Education, Healthcare and Commercial clients.

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Articles

  • I Just Turned Forty, and Steely Dan’s Entire Discography Mysteriously Appeared on My Phone

    1 month ago | mcsweeneys.net | Patrick Coyne

    The big 4-0. It was supposed to be a moment of reflection. A time to consider what the next chapter of life will hold. But that morning of my fortieth birthday, something was different. I awoke to a sharp, unsettling sensation, as though something in the universe had shifted and my very DNA had been altered. The low, almost imperceptible hum of a Fender Rhodes electric piano reverberated through my bones. The room was the same, but something felt… wrong. Almost…sinister.

  • As Surgeon General, I Will Replace the Outdated, Inaccurate Body Mass Index with a Group of Catty, Mean-Spirited Middle Schoolers

    1 month ago | mcsweeneys.net | Patrick Coyne

    As a medical professional, I’ve dedicated my career to improving public health and promoting evidence-based practices. This is why I am here today to tell you that one of the most widely used tools for measuring obesity—body mass index (BMI)—is a failure. Now, as surgeon general, I am proud to declare that BMI’s tyranny over America’s health is dead.

  • Hey Lumon, What The Hell Have You Been Feeding My Innie?

    2 months ago | medium.com | Patrick Coyne

    Member-only storyPatrick Coyne·FollowPublished inSlackjaw·3 min read·--Image by rawpixel.com via FreepikDear Lumon, this is Optic and Design manager Matthew Belinski. I am writing to you from the tiled confines of my townhome bathroom, attempting to defuse a food bomb planted by the gastrointestinal terrorist Matt B., aka my innie. I must (once again) ask — what in God’s names have you been feeding him down there??

  • I’m Chunk’s Mother, and No, He Did Not Consult Me Before Telling Sloth He Could Live with Us

    2 months ago | mcsweeneys.net | Patrick Coyne

    Motherhood is all about making sacrifices and supporting your children, no matter how outrageous their decisions may be. I’ve learned to accept the fact that my son Lawrence (whose friends rudely refer to him as “Chunk”) wants to be a “Goonie.” But this? THIS? Nothing in Dr. Spock’s many voluminous books could have prepared me for housing a nearly seven-foot-tall, three-hundred-pound slop-eating human wrecking ball known only as “Sloth.”Look, I get it.

  • I Gave a Thousand Typewriters to a Thousand Monkeys, but Instead of Hamlet, They Just Keep Writing Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar

    Feb 19, 2025 | mcsweeneys.net | Patrick Coyne

    Any scientist worth their salt eventually becomes accustomed to unpredictability. The unfortunate reality is that the majority of experiments fail—lab rats explode, bacteria escape the petri dish, etc. Still, I never anticipated that things could ever go this awry.

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