Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

Host at Ross O'Carroll-Kelly @ The Irish Times

Lover. Kicker. Role model. New book, 'Don't Look Back in Ongar', coming in August. You can pre-order it here... https://t.co/Jv2hiVaHuP

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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: Honor goes, ‘People will talk about my speech for years to come. And that’s just in the libel courts’

3 weeks ago | irishtimes.com | Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

This is most definitely not how it was supposed to be? Yeah, no, Sorcha dreamt that one day she would have a daughter who would follow in her footsteps as head girl of Mount Anville, but she’s actually dreading what’s going to happen tonight, when Honor delivers the valedictory at the sixth-year graduation. “Can I even read your speech?” Sorcha goes. But Honor’s like, “There’s no speech. What I have to say is all in my head.”This is us in the cor, by the way, on the way to the school.
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘My old dear doesn’t have the embarrassment gene. It’s a South Dublin thing’

4 weeks ago | irishtimes.com | Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

So – yeah, no – the old dear is in the swimming pool when we rock up to the nursing home, doing her – I don’t know – hydrotherapy exercises? She’s dancing to Shania Twain’s Man! I Feel Like a Woman! while holding a beach ball and she has singlehandedly cured me of my fetish for women in wet swimwear. Brett goes, “Should we, em, come back when she’s, em ... ”But I’m like, “Dude, don’t sweat it. She doesn’t have the embarrassment gene.
Honor is staring at Brett like he’s an ATM and she’s sitting in a JCB, trying to work the levers

1 month ago | irishtimes.com | Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

Brett asks me what she was like when she was younger. I’m like, “Who?”He goes, “Our mother.”And it’s random because I’ve never thought of the old dear ever being – like he said – young. Of course, there’s a lot of things I could say in answer to his question. I could tell him that she never forgave me for her waters breaking in the Turner Exhibition Room in the National Gallery.
It’s finally here, the day that I meet my brother slash half-brother

1 month ago | irishtimes.com | Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

So it’s finally here, the day that I meet my brother slash half-brother, and Sorcha has gone into full Fussapalooza mode. She goes, “And don’t keep bringing the conversation back to rugby.”I’m there, “Hey, I’m capable of talking about more than just rugby, Sorcha.”She’s like, “Ross, you literally took out your Leinster Schools Senior Cup medal when we sat down with the priest to talk about getting married.”I’m there, “He asked me what did I have hanging around my neck.
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘That picture The Last Supper is weird. They’re all sitting on the same side of the table’

1 month ago | irishtimes.com | Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

So – yeah, no – I grab a stick of Heinemite from the fridge and I ask Sorcha, “Who’s the kid in the bow tie?”The reason I ask is because I don’t trust kids in bow ties. I’m on the record as saying that putting a bow tie on any human being turns him straight away into an insufferable dickhead. We’re talking nightclub bouncers. We’re talking wine waiters. We’re talking clowns. And we’re definitely talking children.
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Honor goes, ‘I’m editing the school yearbook photographs of anyone who pissed me off’

1 month ago | irishtimes.com | Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

Honor is sitting at her computer doing fock knows what? Although I’d be shocked if it was homework. I’m there, “Honor, I need you to brace yourself – for some news.”Straight away, she goes, “Okay, let me guess – ”But I’m like, “No, Honor, I’m not going to stand here for 10 minutes while you rack your brains, trying to think of hurtful things to say about me and my quite possibly rugby career.”She goes, “I wouldn’t need to rack my brains?
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Imagine no possessions. I wonder if you can,’ the old dear sings. Her earrings cost more than my cor

2 months ago | irishtimes.com | Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

She’s sitting in the window of the, whatever you want to call it, nursing home, playing the piano – badly, I might add – and I get a sudden flashback to my childhood. This is what she did whenever we had, like, visitors coming to the gaff. She’d hear the cor approaching and then she’d plonk herself down on the piano stool and stort cranking out Imagine with her eyes lightly closed and the window slightly ajor and pretend that this was basically how she passed her days.
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I most certainly do have an American accent,’ I tell my supposed half-brother. ‘I’m from south Dublin’

2 months ago | irishtimes.com | Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

For, like, 30 seconds, I’m as quiet as Thomond Pork since 2019 and the dude ends up having to repeat himself. He goes, “Ross, did you hear me? I said this is Brett. I’m your, I suppose, half-brother?”I’m sitting in the cor, in the Killiney Hill cor pork, still trying to, like, process it. I’m actually shaking, like Thomond Pork used to shake – again, before 2019. He’s like, “Look, I’ve obviously caught you at a bad moment.
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I hate my children too. Like, how could three kids of mine turn out to be such dicks?’

2 months ago | irishtimes.com | Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

So it’s, like, Paddy’s Day and me and the goys have arranged to go for our usual walk on Killiney Hill with the kids. They’re already waiting for us in the cor pork – we’re talking JP with little Isa, we’re talking Fionn with Hillary, we’re talking Christian with Ross Junior and Oliver and we’re talking Oisinn with little Paavo. I open the back door of the X5 and Brian, Johnny and Leo spill out of it like lava.
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Most schools fear Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara like they would a typhoid outbreak

2 months ago | irishtimes.com | Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

Honor says she’s not worried. She says she couldn’t give two focks. But Sorcha’s like, “Well, you’d better give two focks. This is a serious matter. A head girl has never been expelled, Honor – not in the 170-year history of this school.”Honor turns around to me and goes, “Your wife needs to up her hormone dose.”Yeah, no, we’re sitting in the office of Mrs van Helsing, Honor’s English teacher, who caught her using ChatGPT to write an essay for her mocks.

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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly @RossOCK

21 Dec 24

He’s obviously saving Don’t Look Back in Ongar for the Christmas holliers.

Barack Obama @BarackObama

I always look forward to sharing my annual list of favorite books, movies, and music. Today I’ll start by sharing some of the books that have stuck with me long after I finished reading them. Check them out this holiday season, preferably at an independent bookstore or library! https://t.co/NNcAnaFzdU

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly @RossOCK

21 Dec 24

My homage to The Bear Christmas special. Today’s column… https://t.co/vOWyMMBbAM

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly @RossOCK

14 Dec 24

"There are some things that I need to say – especially with this being my last Christmas.” Today's column and audio... https://t.co/eAq0ZIsXfn

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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