Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

1 month ago | irishtimes.com | Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

For, like, 30 seconds, I’m as quiet as Thomond Pork since 2019 and the dude ends up having to repeat himself. He goes, “Ross, did you hear me? I said this is Brett. I’m your, I suppose, half-brother?”I’m sitting in the cor, in the Killiney Hill cor pork, still trying to, like, process it. I’m actually shaking, like Thomond Pork used to shake – again, before 2019. He’s like, “Look, I’ve obviously caught you at a bad moment.

1 month ago | irishtimes.com | Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

So it’s, like, Paddy’s Day and me and the goys have arranged to go for our usual walk on Killiney Hill with the kids. They’re already waiting for us in the cor pork – we’re talking JP with little Isa, we’re talking Fionn with Hillary, we’re talking Christian with Ross Junior and Oliver and we’re talking Oisinn with little Paavo. I open the back door of the X5 and Brian, Johnny and Leo spill out of it like lava.

2 months ago | irishtimes.com | Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

Honor says she’s not worried. She says she couldn’t give two focks. But Sorcha’s like, “Well, you’d better give two focks. This is a serious matter. A head girl has never been expelled, Honor – not in the 170-year history of this school.”Honor turns around to me and goes, “Your wife needs to up her hormone dose.”Yeah, no, we’re sitting in the office of Mrs van Helsing, Honor’s English teacher, who caught her using ChatGPT to write an essay for her mocks.

2 months ago | irishtimes.com | Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

“The fock is this?” I go. Yeah, no, I’m doing the morning school run, crawling up Trees Road in a procession of all-terrain vehicles, like an invading ormy, when Honor hands me a piece of paper. She goes, “It’s, like, my results – from, like, my mocks?”I can’t believe she’s doing her Leaving Cert this year. I give it the old left to right, then I go, “They’ve given you someone else’s results, Honor,” and I hand it back to her.

2 months ago | irishtimes.com | Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

Conor Hession sits on the terrace, nursing a vodka lorge enough to put a grizzly bear to sleep. He’s like, “She was quite the most conniving, the most calculating, the most manipulative person I’ve ever met. And completely devoid of human feeling, of course.”I’m there, “Careful, Dude. I haven’t come here today to listen to you badmouth my mother – the focking axe-faced old trout. I’m here to find out if I have, like, a brother or sister out there?”He’s like, “All in good time.