Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

5 days ago | irishtimes.com | Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

So – yeah, no – I grab a stick of Heinemite from the fridge and I ask Sorcha, “Who’s the kid in the bow tie?”The reason I ask is because I don’t trust kids in bow ties. I’m on the record as saying that putting a bow tie on any human being turns him straight away into an insufferable dickhead. We’re talking nightclub bouncers. We’re talking wine waiters. We’re talking clowns. And we’re definitely talking children.

1 week ago | irishtimes.com | Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

Honor is sitting at her computer doing fock knows what? Although I’d be shocked if it was homework. I’m there, “Honor, I need you to brace yourself – for some news.”Straight away, she goes, “Okay, let me guess – ”But I’m like, “No, Honor, I’m not going to stand here for 10 minutes while you rack your brains, trying to think of hurtful things to say about me and my quite possibly rugby career.”She goes, “I wouldn’t need to rack my brains?

2 weeks ago | irishtimes.com | Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

She’s sitting in the window of the, whatever you want to call it, nursing home, playing the piano – badly, I might add – and I get a sudden flashback to my childhood. This is what she did whenever we had, like, visitors coming to the gaff. She’d hear the cor approaching and then she’d plonk herself down on the piano stool and stort cranking out Imagine with her eyes lightly closed and the window slightly ajor and pretend that this was basically how she passed her days.

3 weeks ago | irishtimes.com | Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

For, like, 30 seconds, I’m as quiet as Thomond Pork since 2019 and the dude ends up having to repeat himself. He goes, “Ross, did you hear me? I said this is Brett. I’m your, I suppose, half-brother?”I’m sitting in the cor, in the Killiney Hill cor pork, still trying to, like, process it. I’m actually shaking, like Thomond Pork used to shake – again, before 2019. He’s like, “Look, I’ve obviously caught you at a bad moment.

1 month ago | irishtimes.com | Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

So it’s, like, Paddy’s Day and me and the goys have arranged to go for our usual walk on Killiney Hill with the kids. They’re already waiting for us in the cor pork – we’re talking JP with little Isa, we’re talking Fionn with Hillary, we’re talking Christian with Ross Junior and Oliver and we’re talking Oisinn with little Paavo. I open the back door of the X5 and Brian, Johnny and Leo spill out of it like lava.