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2 weeks ago | 
eagletribune.com | Scott Kerman
I have never won anything that involves a game of chance. Not once. I’m 0 for 488. It’s the sad truth. I don’t know how it feels to be on the winning end of a raffle, contest, or spin the wheel. I wear a T-shirt that reads, “Buddy, can you spare a basket of spa products?”In between times of dreaming I pitch for the Red Sox and renting a room in the Playboy mansion, I actually dream of my wife yelling this to me:kAm“$4@EE[ x E@=5 J@F E96 p6D@A #6DFCC64E:@? w2?5 (2D9 $@2A J@F H@?
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4 weeks ago | 
eagletribune.com | Scott Kerman
Editor’s note: The following is the first chapter from Scott Kerman’s new book, “ The Duke, Weekly Conversations with the Last Honest Politician.”I first met former Massachusetts Gov. Michael Dukakis in 1977 at the age of 11. My parents had an ice cream smorgasbord fundraiser for his re-election campaign in our back yard in my hometown of Methuen.
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1 month ago | 
eagletribune.com | Scott Kerman
If you have been a loyal reader of my column for the last four years, you may realize that I’m not perfect. No, no it’s true, just ask my wife. Better yet, take my wife, please. I’ve never come clean until now, but growing up in Methuen I was a serial crank caller. From the ages of 8 to 12, if I wasn’t in school, playing sports or watching “Sanford and Son,” I was crank calling with friends or by myself, while using my best adult man’s voice. Cue the clearing of the throat.
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1 month ago | 
eagletribune.com | Scott Kerman
The World According to ScottI have flat feet. Flat as a pancake. All babies are born with flat feet. They start to develop the curvature of their feet around 3 years old. My curve never developed. I’ve walked around this planet for the last 59 years looking like I’m wearing scuba-diver flippers. kAm“u@C v@5 D2<6D[ 5@?’E =@@< 2E >J 766E[ x’> 9:56@FD]”k^Am kAm#F?[ $4@EE[ CF?Pk^AmkAm|2?J @7 >J 72>:=J >6>36CD 92G6 7=2E 766E] pAA2C6?E=J[ :E’D :?
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2 months ago | 
eagletribune.com | Scott Kerman
My wife and I like to make bets with each other. The definition of a bet is to risk something, usually a sum of money against someone else’s on the basis of the outcome of a future event, such as the result of a race or game, or to wager on the day the Martians will invade. “Hey you octopus-like creature with a huge head, if you can wait a moment while I find the app to translate Martian speak, I can give you directions to the nearest Chick-Fil-A.”kAm~FC 36ED 4@?D:DE @7 E9:?8D =:<6 H9@ 42? DE2J :?
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2 months ago | 
eagletribune.com | Scott Kerman
A report came out recently that the chances of an asteroid striking Earth has more than doubled in a matter of weeks, according to NASA astronomers. After watching the nightly news, this report gives me something to look forward to. The asteroid discovered just after Christmas and named 2024 YR4 could strike in December of 2032. When the detection of the asteroid was announced in December, NASA predicted just a 1.3% probability of it hitting Earth. The likelihood has increased to 3.1%.
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Mar 7, 2025 | 
eagletribune.com | Scott Kerman
Could I please have a moment of silence? I’m here to report that sadly, during the bitterly cold stretch of a few weeks ago, our furnace died. Dead like George Washington, if he had been designed to specifically provide heat to our living space. The New England tradition is that when a heating guy says your furnace needs replacing, you need to come up with a plan to see how many more decades you can make it last. kAm“w@?6J[ x 7:8FC65 :E @FE] (6 42?
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Feb 21, 2025 | 
eagletribune.com | Scott Kerman
I currently have a nemesis, the definition being a rival who just somehow seems able to get the best of you. At times, I’ve had one in school, sports, comedy and the business world. But this one is unique. It’s a freaking chipmunk. I call him Bill. Actually I call him something else involving profanity. Bill lives beneath my backyard shed. Bill does not pay rent, but he does live rent free in my head. He secretly moved in three years ago in the dead of winter, when my Ring cameras and I weren’t looking.
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Feb 7, 2025 | 
eagletribune.com | Scott Kerman
Marriage is a series of negotiations. On this particular day, I negotiated with my wife that I would clean out the garage in exchange for her to make pumpkin cake. The bargaining was Cuban Missile Crisis intense. Lots of banging on the table and storming out. Only to return and back and forth and back. Not a completely fair deal. Truth be known, no husband ever wins any of these discussions, as she would not help in the garage, but help herself to a piece of cake.
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Jan 23, 2025 | 
eagletribune.com | Scott Kerman
Last week, my wife asked me if I had eaten the last cinnamon roll. I told her that as a man of great honor, I was offended to the highest degree by her accusation. I refused to participate in any part of her investigation, as being considered a primary suspect was an atrocity. She replied, “I know you did. All I have to do is look at your lying, frosted face.”kAms2>?:E[ >J 8@@5 ?2>6 H@F=5 92G6 C6>2:?65 :?E24E :7 H6 ;FDE 925?’E CF?
