Stan Horaczek

My two year-old daughter learned about last night’s events and she said, “I worry this could be a final nail in the coffin of our democratic republic. The escalation has gone too far.” Then she ducked behind a potted plant so we couldn’t see her taking a dump in her pants.

I’m starting to suspect that “extra crispy” chicken at KFC is just like…the regular chicken. They just give you the option so you can feel a little fancy.

Marriage tip: if your partner is watching Bridgerton, say “OH HELLO MADAM MY NAME IS LORD PENIS,” a bunch of times any time one of the dorks shows up on the screen.

I was a big Henry Rollins fan when I was young but he was a huge dick to me both times I met him. I’m kinda glad because I can’t imagine still being a fan and having to endure his insufferable Tik Tok presence.

An old man is eating crackers near me in this waiting room and I can’t believe how loud it is. The mouth sounds are reverberating around the room. I don’t think I could eat that loudly if I tried. I wish profound harm onto him. Just unprecedented suffering.

I found a shirt at the Goodwill bins and I have absolutely no idea what it could possibly mean. https://t.co/z2gZESq5fk

It would be a cool diss track if McDondalds made its own long chicken sandwich to make fun of the Burger King long chicken sandwich.

iPad Pro specs for perusal. https://t.co/IBycLivxcB

New Apple Pencil Pro still won’t be able to make me garbage at drawing. Looks cool though. A new sensor allows for squeeze controls. A gyroscope senses when the Pencil rolls. It also now supports Find My (which is huge). https://t.co/MwEOwJpRHm

Here’s the iPad Pro lowdown. Get them features. https://t.co/I3pVZbMqVr

New iPad Pros will have the most advanced neural engine ever. Think of all those operations per second. https://t.co/4wCcQgt7av

iPad Pro Display goes wild. Dual OLED panels, and now you can get an anti-glare surface. https://t.co/rk5ELQ4T84

iPad Pro now comes in 11-inch and 13-inch models. Apple says it’s the thinnest Apple product ever thanks to OLED. Observe the skinniness https://t.co/IM6g8qz1Xo

New iPad Air models get M2 chips and a new 13-inch option. Announcement was quick and now we’re onto the Pro. https://t.co/6RgvwMygCD

Let’s see some new Apple stuff! https://t.co/Av7wq98j89

Did you know that you can only download some content on Netflix a certain number of times per year for offline watching? I can’t download Seinfeld again until next year. https://t.co/lfUu9qqL22

There’s a challenge where people try to eat 9 hot dogs at a baseball game—one for each inning. My brain can’t process that as a challenge. Every day of my life is a challenge to try and eat fewer than nine hot dogs.