Talia Argondezzi

Featured in: Favicon

medium.com Favicon

newyorker.com Favicon

mcsweeneys.net Favicon

pointsincase.com

Articles

Advice For Movie Characters Who Never Need To Pee

Jan 10, 2025 | medium.com | Talia Argondezzi

Your power to snoop around upstairs is unparalleled. Talia Argondezzi·FollowPublished inSlackjaw·3 min read·--Image by Ellie Burgin via PexelsAs a movie character, you’ll undoubtedly notice that, compared to ordinary humans, you have a few unique traits. You may not even realize you’re a movie character, but there are a few tells:Your skin has 99.6% fewer blemishes than the average human.
Welcome To Our No-Children-Allowed Brewery!

Sep 25, 2024 | thebelladonnacomedy.com | Talia Argondezzi

We CLEARLY designed this space for grownups ONLY. We are thrilled to introduce our town’s 287th new brewery! We have rows and rows of long picnic tables, a whole wall of board games patrons can play, and tons of space to run around in! And if you’re thinking this would be a great place to bring your kids, think again, because here at Kickass Inviting Delightful Superfun Brewery, we are committed to providing our customers a child-free environment.
Sherwin-Williams Paint Color or Potential Kamala Harris Running Mate?

Jul 22, 2024 | mcsweeneys.net | Talia Argondezzi

1. Reliable White2. Nice White3. Polite White4. Incredible White5. Spare White6. Smart White7. Pearly White8. Conservative Gray9. Antique White10. Gorgeous White11. Natural Choice- - -Answer Key1. Sherwin-Williams #6091 and North Carolina Governor Roy Cooper2. Sherwin-Williams #6063 and Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer3. Sherwin-Williams #6056 and Kentucky Governor Andy Beshear4. Sherwin-Williams #7028 and Arizona Senator Mark Kelly5. Sherwin-Williams #6203 and Illinois Governor J. B. Pritzker6.
Don't Worry, Professional Writing Is Definitely Not a Giant Pyramid Scheme

Jul 16, 2024 | thebelladonnacomedy.com | Talia Argondezzi

I make money as a writer, and you can too, and I can show you how!The fact that I only make money if I convince other people that they can become writers if they pay me to tell them how to do it does not make this a Ponzi scheme, because Ponzi was a banker and my scheme is about art. I make tons of money teaching writing, by the way. I only drive a '06 Nissan Versa because "Versa" has a writerly ring to it, not because I can't afford a newer or better car.
I'm The Genius Who Just Cracked This Murder Case So Of Course The First Person I'm Telling Is You...

Jun 19, 2024 | medium.com | Talia Argondezzi

By Talia Argondezzi Glad I chose to confront you alone and unarmed in a remote location. Photo by Sander Sammy on Unsplash Well well well. Here we find ourselves, alone in an almost bizarrely isolated location, just you (a murderer) and me (the only person on earth who knows you are a...
Don’t Worry, My Dog Doesn’t Bite

Apr 3, 2024 | medium.com | Talia Argondezzi

He scratches, he slobbers, he humps, and he’s such a good boy. By Margie Connor and Talia ArgondezziAre you cool if my dog sits with us? I know not everyone likes dogs — I get it. But Freddie is so sweet, he’s just a sweet little old man, aren’t you, Freddie? Don’t worry, he’s a good boy. Oh yes you are, Freddie! Freddie doesn’t bite, of course. Aw, look, he loves you! Don’t worry about the licking: licking people is his way of saying hello.
How Old I Think Your Kid Is

Dec 7, 2023 | newyorker.com | Talia Argondezzi

I think that your kid is the same age she was when you and I first met. It doesn’t matter how long we’ve been co-workers. That child has been frozen in time ever since the moment I learned that she existed. At some point, you’re going to mention the actual current age of your kid. And I’m going to be, like, “Holy shit! No freaking way! Oh, my God, where does the time go?”The time has gone wherever time always goes. It has progressed at its customary rate.
This Streaming Service Would Like to Know: Who’s Watching?

Aug 6, 2023 | newyorker.com | Talia Argondezzi

Before you hit Play: What are you wearing? We have “leggings and baggy sweatshirt with, disgustingly, both toothpaste and marinara stains” on default. But, tonight, could it be “still in work clothes,” “nothing” (!!!), or “kids”? Right. The sweatshirt again. Let’s circle back to “Who’s watching?” Did you close the curtains so that no one can see in? Couldn’t someone peek through that little opening between the curtains? Could you sort of overlay one side onto the other to minimize the gap?
What Your Lipstick Says About You

Jul 5, 2023 | newyorker.com | Audrey Burges |Talia Argondezzi

Your lipstick says that, as a woman of taste, you should know better than to wear that shade of eyeshadow. Your lipstick says that you need to stop trying to emphasize both your eyes and your lips. Pick one. Your lipstick says that you should choose to emphasize your lips, but recognizes that it’s biased. Your lipstick says that the peach fuzz on your upper lip has gone full rambutan. Your lipstick hears that electrolysis doesn’t hurt too much.
Exploit That Weird Little Nun For All She's...

May 23, 2023 | medium.com | Talia Argondezzi

By Talia Argondezzi Exposing the unholy alliance between the Reverend Mother and Captain Von Trapp. Image from The Sound of Music. Copyright: 20th Century Studios. (Fair Use.) You may know me as the Reverend Mother from The Sound of Music, but I knew from the time I was a little girl that I had special gifts: namely, perfect pitch and a...