Victor Billot

Otago

Writer at Freelance

Southern Hemisphere. Maritime unionist @maritimeunion. Writer. The Sets published by @otagounipress

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Articles

An Ode to .. Maurice Gee

6 days ago | newsroom.co.nz | Victor Billot

The death of Maurice Gee last week came as no real surprise. At 93, he had outlasted most of his contemporaries of late 20th Century New Zealand literature. But it struck me harder than I expected. I had never met Maurice Gee, never heard him speak, never seen him in real life. Yet his presence, or the presence of his work, has been with me for a very long time, locked in from when I first read his children’s novel Under the Mountain. The battered cover of my long-lost copy I remember well.
An Ode to .. David Seymour

1 week ago | newsroom.co.nz | Victor Billot

Joker is KingJester Seymour and King Lux stroll on the railway platform. “You’ll look after the place when I’m away,?”Asks King Lux anxiously. “Of course,” replies the stable, reliable and sensible Jester. King Lux chuffs away on his train to Erewhon. Jester Seymour walks up to Lord Winston, Keeper of the Keys. “Hand them over,” says the Jester with a wink.
An Ode to .. Chris Bishop

2 weeks ago | newsroom.co.nz | Victor Billot

Goodness Gracious, Great Balls of BishIt has been a long day at the Grand PalaceListening to the fevered raving of King Lux. The Bish is ready to blow off some steam. He cranks his cassette player up to eleven. He squeezes into his tight shiny leather trousers. He throws a shaggy white fur coat over his shoulders. He puts on some chunky bling and a medallionAnd he hits the nightspots of King’s LandingLooking for a rockin’ good time. One inn is open on the main drag.
An Ode to .. Prince Chipkins

3 weeks ago | newsroom.co.nz | Victor Billot

Sorry SituationThe rebels of the House of Red have gatheredIn a remote and dank cave to plot their returnTo the Grand Palace of King’s Landing. The shame faced Knights of Red sheepishly shuffle around. The Boy Prince Chipkins unenthusiastically climbs on a seat,And clears his throat with a muffled cough. “We languish in the Bad Lands,”States the Boy Prince. “But with patience we may yet sleepwalk to victory!”A faint glimmer of hope briefly fills the roomThen extinguishes itself.
An Ode to .. Nicola Willis

1 month ago | newsroom.co.nz | Victor Billot

Budget AdviceThe Grand Court is filled with hubbub. Scribes and Minions scurry around frantically. It is the Day of the Royal Disbursements. “This is a No BS budget,”Announces Nicola, Keeper of the Privy Purse. “What does BS stand for?,” whispers a Scribe. “Beneficial spending,” whispers a Minion in reply. “What I say to the House of Red,”Thunders Nicola, Lady of the Strait, “Is show us the money!”The Boy Prince Chipkins is confused.
An Ode to .. Judge Judy

1 month ago | newsroom.co.nz | Victor Billot

C BombKing’s Landing was riven by factional strife. The fog of war lay heavy on the Grand Palace,And was made worse by randomly exploding water pipes. The Mistress of Decorum, Judge Judy of Oravida,Held court in the Star Chamber. The unruly tribespeople were brought before her. “You are guilty of using the traditional ceremoniesOf your people to embarrass the King,”Glowered Judge Judy. “Take them to the dungeons!”Next up was the C Bomb.
An Ode to ... King Lux

1 month ago | newsroom.co.nz | Victor Billot

There was bad news to deliverTo the lady peasants, the fishwives,The witches, the serving wenches, and the nuns. King Lux had to pay for his score of Grand Estates. Specifically, the ladies were to pay for his Grand EstatesOut of their meagre, hard-won kopecks. King Lux didn’t want to deliver the bad news personally. He called on Meister Seymour the WarlockIn his dank and airless dungeon laboratory. “You dabble in the Dark Arts,” said the King.
An Ode to .. Tory Whanau

1 month ago | newsroom.co.nz | Victor Billot

High Pressure RoleEarl Andy the Little arrives at the GatesRiding at the head of his Army of Invasion. “King’s Landing will be mine!,” he declaresIn his honest yet uncharismatic style. The Earl drags his brass cannons, battering rams,And straw and mud coracles for crossing the Moat. However, before he can unleash the Furies of War,The doors swing open.
An Ode to .. Lord Winston

2 months ago | newsroom.co.nz | Victor Billot

To sleep, perchance to dreamIn the shadowy chambers of Lord Winston,The great clock strikes thirteen. All remains untouched, covered with dust,As it has done since the 1970s,In a simple world where boys were boys,Ladies were mini-skirted and compliant ladies,And Italian law students ruled the streetsIn their wide lapel zoot suits. King Lux sends his finest physicians – None can determine the cause of the UnwokenessOf Lord Winston, Minister of Prestidigitation.
An Ode to .. Admiral Judith

2 months ago | newsroom.co.nz | Victor Billot

War and PeaceMinister of Peace, Lady Crusher of Oravida,accesorised with an ammo belt and camouflage face paint, addresses the press conference. The two remaining Scribes who still have jobs huddle in the front row. “We are preparing for peace!,” barks Admiraless Crusher. “To whom do we go to peace against?,” asks a Scribe. “Our enemies, the Oriental Empire of the Red Dragon!” proclaims Field Marshalette Crusher.