-
2 weeks ago | 
iwilldowhateveriwant.substack.com | Mackenzie Thomas
It’s been a slow choke. April feels like the last day of school. Bittersweet but more sweet-leaning, even the moments of hopelessness I suffered seemed to have a reasonable resolve, and I think I prefer that more to the senselessness of this past winter. Though this month wasn’t amazing, it feels like I’m at the beginning of something good, and I’ve heard a rumor that beginnings are never easy.
-
1 month ago | 
iwilldowhateveriwant.substack.com | Mackenzie Thomas
We’ve been doing this for a year now. It’s funny—I started this blog in March, a month I’ve never had any reason to look forward to. In fact, I’ve always considered it my least favorite month. But now, I guess it’s our month. It’s our anniversary. Honestly, I didn’t think I’d keep up with the blog.
-
2 months ago | 
iwilldowhateveriwant.substack.com | Mackenzie Thomas
I only have one rule about sharing on the internet- things in development are strictly off-limits. This is ironic due to the nature of who I am, often I’m called ‘vulnerable’ which is something I take in stride, but I don’t know if it’s completely true. Maybe I have the concept of vulnerability all wrong, I feel like if I was truly vulnerable I would share my emotions as they come to me, but I despise chaos.
-
Feb 1, 2025 | 
iwilldowhateveriwant.substack.com | Mackenzie Thomas
I’m starting to think all my uncomfortablity might be paying off. I think it’s always hard to admit to yourself, especially when you’re in the thick of it, that the only way out is through. Though I’m writing this as I’m nursing a minor cold with a broken sink in the kitchen and a leaky radiator beside me— I think I’ve finally reached the next version of myself.
-
Jan 24, 2025 | 
iwilldowhateveriwant.substack.com | Mackenzie Thomas
Audio playback is not supported on your browser. Please upgrade. Before you scroll, I recorded a very special substack exclusive song for you to listen to during your read. I was 19 when I got high for the first time. I was in my friend Andrew’s dorm room, we got brownies off of a senior who was in a class with our friend Jillian.
-
Jan 24, 2025 | 
iwilldowhateveriwant.substack.com | Mackenzie Thomas
I texted my roommate two days ago to apologize to her for my distance. She told me earlier this week that she felt as if I was pulling away. The two of us have always been close, but during the events of the last two months, I’ve found it difficult to be an active participant in anyone’s life besides my own. I said my sorrys and told her not to worry because I was feeling like “my old self again” which was a complete lie.
-
Jan 24, 2025 | 
iwilldowhateveriwant.substack.com | Mackenzie Thomas
Strange month for a plethora of reasons.Struggled to keep up with work. Felt weird about everything. Had health problems. Started a new medication to try to prevent anything bad from happening to me ever again. Ended up at my boyfriend’s brother’s wedding in California. Here are my notes from June: I saw a girl wearing a “this is what a feminist looks like” t-shirt today for the first time since 2015, and it actually gave me SUCH a strong sense of peace.
-
Jan 24, 2025 | 
iwilldowhateveriwant.substack.com | Mackenzie Thomas
May. Sorry, I was melancholy for the first half, I hate feeling like I let a few beautiful days pass me by because I was busy feeling something other than the weather. I think I saved myself in the second half, maybe everything changed when my vintage Miu Miu bag from eBay arrived in the mail? I don’t know. You be the judge.
-
Jan 24, 2025 | 
iwilldowhateveriwant.substack.com | Mackenzie Thomas
I discovered Vampire Weekend in the TV section of Best Buy in North Carolina. The Cousins music video was being played on the back wall displays. I had rainbow-colored brackets on my braces, and I was still straightening my hair when it was semi-dry. I had just learned what irony was, and I wore an XL Slytherin hoodie I got from Hot Topic most days because it was just long enough to keep my developing butt unexposed. I was 12.
-
Jan 24, 2025 | 
iwilldowhateveriwant.substack.com | Mackenzie Thomas
July is my favorite month of the year. I look forward to it always. It’s always busy and stupid, everyone is oddly hopeful and nobody is engaging in deep thought. This month I let life wash over me in a good way. I feel like I was only at my apartment when I was sleeping, or coming back to change my clothes, shower, and do my hair. I have a new freckle on my face, it’s just to the right of my mouth but too close to my lip for it to be sexy or big-titted blonde bombshell vibes.