The Grudge Report

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LEAKED: Barron Trump's Rejection Letter from Harvard

1 week ago | besskalb.substack.com | Bess Kalb

The following is a copy of the rejection letter sent to Barron Trump in the spring of 2024, which has been independently verified by editors at The Grudge Report. Dear Barron Trump,Thank you for your interest in Harvard University. The Committee on Admissions has completed its meetings, and we regret to inform you that we cannot offer you admission to the Class of 2028.
GRUDGE EXCLUSIVE: We Sat Down With a White South African Refugee

2 weeks ago | besskalb.substack.com | Bess Kalb

The Grudge Report: Thank you for speaking with me. I think the question many of my readers have is: Why are you here? White Afrikaner Refugee: As a racist, there was no place we felt more comfortable than America. Stepping off the plane and knowing we were on land where we could live freely and racistly, felt like a long, white hug. TGR: Tell me about the persecution you faced in South Africa.
Other Reality TV Pitches for the Trump Administration

2 weeks ago | besskalb.substack.com | Bess Kalb

Vancing With the Stars! Dust off your performative boots and get in line for the Hillbilly Two Step with America’s favorite Appalachian Yale Graduate! But be careful not to get too close when you do-si-do! Touch his skin, and you have 24 hours to live! Wheel of Abortion! In this high-stakes spin on a game show classic, four lucky contestants take their reproductive fate into their own hands — literally! — when they spin a giant wheel that will decide whether or not they have the right to...
Emails with my son about napping on the weekend

3 weeks ago | besskalb.substack.com | Bess Kalb

Happy Friday, Baby!Hope you’re doing amazing. We all had a chance to connect about the weekend nap plan and the short of it is, it’s looking like laying in your crib for the entire two hours while singing to yourself is genius, it’s just not what anyone is looking for at the moment. Ugh.
Please be nice about the $400 million plane!

3 weeks ago | besskalb.substack.com | Bess Kalb

Hi, it’s Bess Kalb of Brooklyn, New York, and most of you — especially if you are a White House operative keeping some kind of list — know me as a lifelong, loyal Trump supporter. He is good and smart and understands what is happening in a given situation. Which is why I am absolutely APPALLED to see how many of you have sooooo much to say about Trump accepting literally ONE gift from honestly a good friend.
Increasingly frantic emails from my various online shopping carts

4 weeks ago | besskalb.substack.com | Bess Kalb

Pssst! Your cart is waiting! Rejoice! An item in your cart is still available!Low stock alert! Act fast before your item is gone!Call me. Urgent. It’s about your cart. Hey not sure if you’re getting these but your cart is saying some messed up shit and is really starting to freak me out. OMG PLEASE YOUR CART IS PACKED FULL OF C4 AND JUST PULLED UP OUTSIDE A BANK???!!!Hi it’s the FBI. We need you to come with us. Your cart has a list of demands. It’s asking for you. Only you can talk it down.
You asked!

1 month ago | besskalb.substack.com | Bess Kalb

(Note: All of this is objective and correct, and should be taken absolutely literally). How do I navigate polyamory with a partner with an anxious/jealous attachment style, 2 young children, and the sex drive/tendency towards limerence of a 16 year old?
You Fuck With NPR, You (Respectfully) Fuck With Me

1 month ago | besskalb.substack.com | Bess Kalb

Dear Mr. President,You think you can cut funding to NPR? To Fucking National Public Fucking Radio? You think you can DENY Ira Glass his Warby Parker money? You think you can look Terry Gross in the eye and tell her she CANNOT have unlimited access to Celestial Seasonings Decaf Lemon Zinger Tea with a Claritin chaser? Like Mo Rocca thinking he could go beat-for-beat with Paula Poundstone, you thought wrong, asshole. And I’m going to wait-waittell YOU that you fucked with the wrong fans.
Some more people who should meet privately with JD Vance

1 month ago | besskalb.substack.com | Bess Kalb

The man in my parents’ old building who pressed the “DOOR CLOSE” button as my kid was entering the elevator.
Please forward to Jeff Bezos

1 month ago | besskalb.substack.com | Bess Kalb

Hi. I have seen a LOT of people criticize nice, tall, decent man Jeff Bezos for today’s Blue Origin flight where his normal-looking space ship thrust its tip through the earth’s atmosphere, and I am honored to be writing the only article saying resoundingly that I think it was good. And cool. And a beacon of hope for the world etc.