Wilding Out

Articles

Uh, Hustle Harder, You Lazy Bitch

4 days ago | wildingout.substack.com | Robin Wilding

These days, if you’re not wildly ultra-mega-douche successful, then you’re a lazy wankmuffin. There are 24 usable hours in every day and you’re wasting time sleeping and pooping, it’s unforgiveable. It’s the reason you’re an abject failure and not a mega-yacht-owning, quadruple transparent belt (that’s three levels above black belt) entrepreneur. You lazy little bitch, with your sloth-like decompression time. I’ll bet you even blink, don’t you? Pfft, I knew it. You piddly, personified turnip.
Flat Earthers Are(n’t) Edgy

5 days ago | wildingout.substack.com | Robin Wilding

If you listen to conspiracy theories, Paul McCartney is dead, the moon isn’t real, King Charles is a vampire, dinosaurs built the pyramids, Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer, and Finland doesn’t exist. Also, Australia doesn’t exist…but more on that later. I love a good conspiracy theory. What can I say, they’re mindbogglingly entertaining to read.
Mindbending Animal Superpowers I Wish Humans Had

1 week ago | wildingout.substack.com | Robin Wilding

*If you like this piece, and all my pieces—consider becoming a supporter for as little $1 (options below). Animals are the pinnacle of billions of years of planetary evolution. We humans are said to be at the top of the proverbial evolutionary foodchain, but I call bullshit on that egocentric shenanigannery. We might all have opposable thumbs and have figured out fire, but some of us did things like invent calculus, and some of us don’t know how electricity stays in the wall. Me, I’m the latter.
Gay Revenge IS What Jesus Would Do

1 week ago | wildingout.substack.com | Robin Wilding

I’m rarely very spiteful, but I have to admit — I love a petty queen. Whether it’s getting even with a cheating ex, or hiding your sister’s water bra before a big date because she tattled on you to your parents (twinkle twinkle little snitch, mind yo business nosy bitch), a little harmless petty revenge can just hit the spot sometimes. Not that I’d ever be petty like that, of course.
Men, Right There - Don’t Stop!

1 week ago | wildingout.substack.com | Robin Wilding

Men, when you’re doing the humpty no-pants dance and a woman says, or screams, or mutters breathlessly, “Don’t stop” — don’t make this into a riddle. While women can be confusing, I can assure you this phrase is the most literal phrase we’ll ever utter. Don’t. Stop. Every time this has happened to me, I want to explode. Or punch something. Or someone. For fucks sake, if I yell in ecstacy ‘Don’t stop!’ — don’t.
A Substack Love Letter

1 week ago | wildingout.substack.com | Robin Wilding

*I thought it was time for a little Substack journey update, as it's been a while. As always, we’ll return to the regularly scheduled hilarity after. I was chatting with another writer friend recently, and we both said that we tend not to share our successes here much because we don’t want to flaunt them. Which is the right approach, as both of us are doing quite well here on Substack, and we know writers who might be envious of our numbers.
How to Say Fuck Off - ✨In Corporate✨

2 weeks ago | wildingout.substack.com | Robin Wilding

*If you get a giggle from the below, consider becoming a supporter for as little as $1/month or $10/year. I thank my lucky fucks every day that I don’t have a corporate office job. And somewhere there’s an HR manager whose spine just tingled and butthole puckered as I wrote that last phrase. So I’m pretty sure that the feeling is mutual. If I were to weasle my way through an interview and land a job, the ink wouldn’t be dry on my employment letter before I dropped a whoopsyfuck and got fired.
Pfft, I Solved the 100 Men vs 1 Gorilla Debate

2 weeks ago | wildingout.substack.com | Robin Wilding

I’m late to the 100 men vs 1 silverback gorilla debate. But I’m always late to trends, what can I say, I have shit to do and life gets lifey sometimes. I was however following the debate because the stunning over confidence of average men is entertaining. I’m an average woman, but have the confidence of a mouse on meth. Men however, can have a level of confidence as unparalleled as it is unfounded.
Do You Have Coochie Crumbs Too?

2 weeks ago | wildingout.substack.com | Robin Wilding

I’ll say it. In a pinch, I’ll wad up some toilet paper and squish it between my lady lips. Maybe I’m on my period and don’t have my Diva Cup at the ready, maybe I’m hanging out with a funny friend and am worried I’ll wee (just a little). But no one seems to be admitting to doing this. I can’t be the only one doing it. There are more toilet-paper-buncher-uppers amongst those of us in possession of a baby cannon.
The Batshittiest Thing About Trump’s Health Appointees

2 weeks ago | wildingout.substack.com | Robin Wilding

It’s batshit crazy that America allows pharma ads on TV. Well, it’s weird that ‘Murica does a lot of the things it does. But the US and New Zealand are the only two countries to peddle dick pills between episodes of The Big Bang Theory. We see them here in Canada because we get some American channels. I always laugh while I’m sitting down to dinner, put a show on, and hear a pharma commercial come on.