Andy Borowitz

1 week ago | borowitzreport.com | Andy Borowitz

BREAKING!!! The LifeAlert Corporation has announced a new product: the ICE-ALERT PENDANT. “I’ve been abducted and I can’t get away!”, says the abductee in the new ads. Did you know, 90% of people seized by ICE for any reason - or no reason - can be saved from spending the rest of their lives in a foreign prison IF intervention occurs within 90 minutes? LifeAlert GUARANTEES it has U.S. judges on call 24/7/365.

1 week ago | open.substack.com | Andy Borowitz

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—According to a poll released on Wednesday, a majority of Americans would support exchanging Donald J. Trump for Kilmar Abrego Garcia. Poll respondents agreed that a maximum security prison in El Salvador is an appropriate place to house a felon convicted on 34 counts. Additionally, they felt that Mr. Garcia, who has no history of supporting tariffs, would be unlikely to engage in a ruinous trade war if he were transferred from El Salvador to the White House.

1 week ago | rsn.org | Andy Borowitz

"The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, 'The Borowitz Report'."According to a poll released on Wednesday, a majority of Americans would support exchanging Donald J. Trump for Kilmar Abrego Garcia. Poll respondents agreed that a maximum security prison in El Salvador is an appropriate place to house a felon convicted on 34 counts.

1 week ago | borowitzreport.com | Andy Borowitz

Like most members of Trump’s governing junta, real estate wheeler-dealer Witkoff is a billionaire, though not an especially towering one: with a net worth of a mere $2 billion, he clocks in at 1,763rd place on Forbes’s list of the world’s richest. Despite that lowly status, he has become Trump’s diplomat of first resort, parachuting into the world’s hottest hotspots without demonstrating that he could locate any of them on a map.

1 week ago | rsn.org | Andy Borowitz

Donald J. Trump has long denied being Vladimir Putin’s useful idiot. The credibility of that claim took a major hit on “Liberation Day,” when he spared Russia from tariffs while slapping them on virtually every other place on Earth, including an island near Antarctica inhabited only by penguins. But Trump has too much on his plate right now to give useful idiocy the attention it deserves.