The Borowitz Report

Since its launch in 2001, The Borowitz Report has become a celebrated news satire column, entertaining millions of readers globally.

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Poll: Majority of Americans Favor Swapping Trump for Abrego Garcia

1 week ago | borowitzreport.com | Andy Borowitz

BREAKING!!! The LifeAlert Corporation has announced a new product: the ICE-ALERT PENDANT. “I’ve been abducted and I can’t get away!”, says the abductee in the new ads. Did you know, 90% of people seized by ICE for any reason - or no reason - can be saved from spending the rest of their lives in a foreign prison IF intervention occurs within 90 minutes? LifeAlert GUARANTEES it has U.S. judges on call 24/7/365.
The Useful Idiot’s Useful Idiot

1 week ago | borowitzreport.com | Andy Borowitz

Like most members of Trump’s governing junta, real estate wheeler-dealer Witkoff is a billionaire, though not an especially towering one: with a net worth of a mere $2 billion, he clocks in at 1,763rd place on Forbes’s list of the world’s richest. Despite that lowly status, he has become Trump’s diplomat of first resort, parachuting into the world’s hottest hotspots without demonstrating that he could locate any of them on a map.
Traitor of the Week: Is This the Worst Traitor Yet?

1 week ago | borowitzreport.com | Andy Borowitz

Welcome to the eighth installment of
Trump Claims Tariffs Were Eric’s Dumb Idea

2 weeks ago | borowitzreport.com | Andy Borowitz

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump stunned Wall Street on Friday by revealing that the spate of tariffs roiling global markets were his son Eric’s “dumb idea.”“When Eric first pitched the idea of tariffs, I thought the whole concept sounded kind of out there,” he said.
Clarence Thomas Fears Volatile Stock Market Could Force Billionaire Hosts to Sell Their Yachts

2 weeks ago | borowitzreport.com | Andy Borowitz

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a rare public statement, Clarence Thomas warned on Thursday that the whipsawing stock market could force billionaires who have hosted him and Samuel Alito on luxury cruises to sell their yachts. “I usually bite my tongue, but the threat to these cruises impels me to speak out,” he said.
The Fall of Trump

2 weeks ago | borowitzreport.com | Andy Borowitz

The Borowitz Report PodcastAndy Borowitz hosts short interviews with notable people in the news. Andy Borowitz hosts short interviews with notable people in the news.
Bondi Fires DOJ Employee After Finding Copy of Constitution on his Desk

2 weeks ago | borowitzreport.com | Andy Borowitz

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it a “serious breach of the Department of Justice’s code of conduct,” on Wednesday Attorney General Pam Bondi announced that she had terminated a career DOJ employee who was caught with a copy of the U.S. Constitution on his desk. Bondi said that the employee, who had worked at the department for 37 years, had “raised suspicions” by using “telltale phrases like ‘due process’” in DOJ memos.
JD Vance Freaks Out After Tariffs Hike Price of Eyeliner

2 weeks ago | borowitzreport.com | Andy Borowitz

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In the latest illustration of the tensions roiling the White House, on Tuesday JD Vance reportedly “blew his stack” when he learned that newly instituted tariffs had sent the price of his favorite eyeliner brand soaring. According to sources, Vance demanded a meeting with Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick upon discovering that the price of his go-to beauty product, Shanghai Smokeshow, had quadrupled.
RFK Jr. Says Stock Market Crash Could be Reversed if Investors Drink Cod Liver Oil

2 weeks ago | borowitzreport.com | Andy Borowitz

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Offering a remedy to last week’s devastating crash on global stock markets, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. said on Monday that the plummeting trend could be reversed if investors would drink high doses of cod liver oil. “Stocks are crashing because investors are in a bad mood, and the reason they are in a bad mood is because they are not getting enough Omega-3 fatty acids,” he said.
WE WON

2 weeks ago | borowitzreport.com | Andy Borowitz

We had a great crowd in Baltimore at City Hall. Senator Van Hollen was the first speaker. Local politicians spoke. The funniest one was our local introvert, who starts out, “I am an introvert! I don’t want to be here! I’d rather be on the couch watching Golden Girls! But I HAVE to do this!” –PamelaThousands of people in Portland, Oregon shut down major streets and several bridges. Fabulous energy, excellent signs, and yes, a real sense that we are not doing this alone.