Bella Mackie

1 week ago | bellamackie.substack.com | Bella Mackie

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I write about mental illness recently. Is what I say too repetitive, too self centred, too whiny? Am I mentally ill enough to wang on about it all the time? Does the huge amount of luck I’ve received in other areas of my life make the complaints I have about my brain seem trivial?

2 weeks ago | bellamackie.substack.com | Bella Mackie

I had to pick a paint colour for my sitting room recently. I opted for a warm yellow and texted my sister (for she has a better eye for interiors) seeking her stamp of approval. It turned out the colour I’d chosen was the same one she has in her sitting room. This was not a huge surprise. Our homes look the same in a million ways.

3 weeks ago | bellamackie.substack.com | Bella Mackie

Getting old is a decidedly mixed bag. On the one hand, you’re suddenly invisible to men and on the other, you’re suddenly invisible to men. But there’s one positive that absolutely everyone gets to enjoy without any complicated feelings about their waning fuckability, and that is in saying no a lot. In my youth I said yes to to a lot of things I didn’t actually want to do simply because I didn’t want to miss out or come off as a buzzkill. But something cool happens as you age.

1 month ago | bellamackie.substack.com | Bella Mackie

I once lied in a history class. I told lots of lies at school - mostly about having done my homework when I hadn’t - but this one was completely pointless and immediately called out. We were discussing Ruth Ellis (the last woman to be put to death in the UK) and I confidently said something about her last words. My teacher gave me a funny look, which made me flush hot, and told me I was misinformed. I pushed back, frantically aware I’d lost respect, but to no avail.

1 month ago | bellamackie.substack.com | Bella Mackie

I got a text this morning from someone I don’t know very well but like a lot. We met a year or so ago and got on well immediately. It’s rare in adulthood, but when it happens it’s an unmatched feeling isn’t it? To find another woman you instantly see becoming a friend. You get a bit giddy, as though you’re about to go on a really great date, and all without the disappointment of a man. The problem is, without the frameworks of school or an office to usher the new friendship in, I bottle it.