Brandon Ellrich

Warrensburg

Freelance Writer at Medium

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Articles

Father’s Day Is Approaching - May I Borrow Yours?

4 weeks ago | medium.com | Brandon Ellrich

My dad and I did not have a close relationship while I was growing up. We don’t have a close relationship now, but at least he treats me like a semi-adult. I’m also not afraid of getting whipped with his belt anymore. I’ll find someone on Grindr to do that, and it’ll take on a different vibe. He tried to teach me to play basketball when I was in fourth grade, and I was probably forced to join the basketball team. I don’t remember and can’t imagine making that decision myself.
Top Five Things That Burn My Ass

1 month ago | medium.com | Brandon Ellrich

HUMORIn an unprecedented literary collaboration, Brandon Ellrich (Brandon Ellrich Is So Gay) and Ray Cabarga (Ray Cabarga’s Break from Hell) have a few pet peeves they’d like to get off their chests. Occlupanids (the square plastic thingys that hold bread bags closed) — They’re frustrating, one-time use devices. You’ll usually break them when they come off, but if you somehow manage it, when you try putting them back on, they’ll snap — and so will you.
Things This Cow Is Probably Thinking

1 month ago | medium.com | Brandon Ellrich

HUMORBelieve me, I’m a bovine psychic moodiumWe may never know what goes through the minds of animals, but for this bovine, it’s probably one of these things. Or maybe this is just a cock-and-bull story. Things this cow is probably thinkingDid I forget it’s picture day? And here I am covered in shit!Excuse me, I’m looking for some fine ceramic flatware. Could you direct me to the nearest China shop? That guy holding the phone looks like a model!Damn! My earrings don’t match.
Is Canada Gayer Than MAGA-Mites? No, They’re Just Closeted

1 month ago | medium.com | Brandon Ellrich

We publish stories that make you think about politics, social justice, LGBTQ, mental health, family, women’s rights, entertainment & humor. Each story is 3+ min read time. No AI. For more info message Managing Editor, Kelly Carmichael. Follow publicationSATIREEver heard of internalized homophobia? Robin Wilding 💎wrote an article pointing out how gay Canada is, but let me gaysplain something to you…The MAGA-mites aren’t looking at Canada as their potential girlfriend.
A Huge Gift From a Stranger Fell Into My Lap

2 months ago | medium.com | Brandon Ellrich

A hilarious humor publication for all levels of humor writers. Follow publicationIt’s definitely not a scamIt’s always awesome to receive a gift of money. You can use it to buy whatever you want. This gift was 100 times better!I received a reply to one of my articles the other day. I blocked out the name and email because I’m greedy. I don’t want anyone else to cut into my inheritance. I’ve wanted some new earrings for a while, so this couldn’t have come at a more perfect time.
The Scaredy-Cat

2 months ago | medium.com | Brandon Ellrich

Zak is a true scaredy cat. He gets easily startled by just about anything. He’s mostly an indoor cat, but he’s had a few outdoor adventures. I live in the country, and we have quite a bit of room around me. My cat Zoe goes outside often. She spends about 50% of her time out there. She enjoys going out at night to hunt, roam, and whatnot. Zak goes out occasionally, too, and he also seems to prefer to go out in the evenings, but he spends most of his time inside.
Is Canada Gayer Than MAGA-Mites? No, They're Just Closeted

2 months ago | wildingout.substack.com | Robin Wilding |Philip Ogley |Brandon Ellrich

When another humor writer takes your piece and runs with it—it’s an epic feeling. It’s the highest compliment because it generally means they thought it was so funny that it inspired their funny brain to start machinating on the topic. One of my fav humor writers from my Medium days, (he’s the comedic easter egg of Medium) did that before on a poem I wrote about micro penises. He wrote a comedic rebuttal.
A Lesson from TikTok Creators Who Do Nothing

2 months ago | medium.com | Brandon Ellrich |Ben Ulansey

A community for readers, writers, poets, satirists, creatives, and thinkers of thoughtsFollow publicationIt’s a lesson they didn’t intend to teachI was scrolling through TikTok last week (I can’t be productive all the time) and noticed many creators on Live feeds. It’s become a popular way of connecting with followers, but I vaguely recall one of the creators mentioning a contest. Whether due to my viewing patterns, the popularity, or the contest, I saw a LOT of Live feeds.
April Afterthoughts

2 months ago | medium.com | Brandon Ellrich

Lynn L. Alexander asks about amusing April answers. I hope these are entertaining enough, Lynn. If you had the money, would you want to go to space? Absolutely not! Unless they found another inhabitable planet. It would be cool to be among the first settlers of a new place. When was the last time you went to the movies? I saw Wicked, which I would see again… and again. I’ll be watching the next one in theaters too. Have you tried other writing platforms?
Meow-One-One Emergency: The Starving Cat

2 months ago | medium.com | Brandon Ellrich

HUMORIt’s a good thing my cat can’t use the phoneBrandon Ellrich·FollowPublished inFunny, Inc. ·2 min read·--Meow-one-one, what’s your emergency? HELP! I’m going to die!Calm down, sir. What’s wrong? My food bowl has only a handful of kibble in it!Oh, my Isis! Are you okay? No, I’m not okay, you fool! I’m likely going to starve!We’ll get through this. What’s your name? Mr. Fluffybottom, III. Don’t worry, Mr. Fluffybottom, I’m here for you. Where’s your owner? It’s 5:30 a.m., so he’s asleep, as usual.