Heather Havrilesky

Chapel Hill

Writer and Author at Ask Molly

Author of Foreverland (Ecco 2022) + 3 other books + Ask Polly + Ask Molly on Substack. Illustration by Michael Sowa. Mastodon: @[email protected]

Featured in: Favicon

substack.com (+10) Favicon

medium.com Favicon

theguardian.com Favicon

nytimes.com Favicon

washingtonpost.com Favicon

wsj.com

buzzfeed.com Favicon

latimes.com Favicon

npr.org

theatlantic.com + 51 more

Articles

'Help, My Live-In Boyfriend Is Miserable and I'm Starting to Lose My Mind!'

1 week ago | ask-polly.com | Heather Havrilesky

I'm stuck. My brain is at a crossroads, and the stand-off currently taking place amidst my cerebellum is paralyzing. I'm dizzy with doubt and seasick from the compounding narratives currently doing a Dobby with the lamp from that scene in Harry Potter (not a timely reference, but it's how me and m…
A Message For Recent Graduates: You're The Boss Now.

1 week ago | ask-polly.com | Heather Havrilesky

The Philosophers (1952), Dorothea TanningYou’re not prepared for this moment. Your professors and parents love to believe that they’ve prepared you well, but they’re wrong. Because there’s no way to prepare anyone else for uncertainty.
Memorial

1 week ago | askmolly.substack.com | Heather Havrilesky

The Swing (1767), Jean-Honoré FragonardWe didn’t welcome the wisdom of our ancestors. We were too busy optimizing our communication styles. We didn’t listen to the spirits in the trees. We were too busy firming up our boundaries, saying no to everything we didn’t want until we didn’t know what we wanted anymore.
‘I’m Married With Kids But I’m Obsessed With My Hot, Successful Ex!”

2 weeks ago | ask-polly.com | Heather Havrilesky

Family (1976), Dorothea TanningHi Polly. I am hoping you can help me release myself from a current loop of shame that I am really struggling with. I have loved your columns over the years and read them earnestly and apply the messages to my life with abandon. So, thank you. On the surface I have a very happy and nice life. I have a great husband, three yo…
'I Don't Have the Confidence, Energy, or Bravery to Find Love!'

3 weeks ago | ask-polly.com | Heather Havrilesky

Some Roses and Their Phantoms (1952), Dorothea TanningHi Polly. I last wrote to you 4 years ago, at probably the worst point in my entire life. I’m so grateful for the advice you gave me then – I read it over and over again, and it was one of my north stars in getting out of the forest fire I was living in. I built a new home for myself in the ashes, Poll…
'Now That Hell Is Over, Can I Build a New Life?'

3 weeks ago | ask-polly.com | Heather Havrilesky

This column was first published in March of 2021. Today I received an update from the letter writer, so I’m running his original letter today and publishing the follow-up tomorrow in the hopes that we can share in the suspense: HOW DID EVERYTHING TURN OUT FOR THIS GUY? Sometimes I worry that I’ll look back and realize I …
'I Punish Myself For Everything!'

3 weeks ago | ask-polly.com | Heather Havrilesky

Asleep in the Deep (1947), Dorothea TanningHi Polly,I’ve written to you a couple of times, rambling, ruminating, and that probably made you think “Yikes. This person is beyond help.” But! Here I am! Because your letters contributed to a compass that helped me navigate some batshit crazy but enlightening times in my life. Also mean of me to put words in y…
Trash

4 weeks ago | askmolly.substack.com | Heather Havrilesky

It’s been a disappointing morning, frankly. The Kosmos-482, a failed soviet-era space craft from 1972 that’s been orbiting the earth for fifty three years, disappeared from radar somewhere over Germany and no one is even sure where it landed. What good is living in a dystopian surveillance…
'Will I Ever Get Over This Heartbreak?'

1 month ago | ask-polly.com | Heather Havrilesky

Endgame (1944), Dorothea TanningDear Polly,I feel like I've wanted to write this out for the past half a year but haven’t been able to, and I am sorry for how long this is but I hope you will listen to me pouring my heart out. I'm a 20-year-old that has just been through my first real relationship and breakup. And yes, I know that I am so young (as every…
Behave

1 month ago | askmolly.substack.com | Heather Havrilesky

I told you to sit still, to stand still, to turn in a circle, to stay quiet, to flatter me, to show me your complementary colors, to offer me complimentary gifts, to compliment and complete me. I told you to inspire me, to move me, to overwhelm me, to erode my confidence, to destroy me. Did you obey?