Hilary Jacobs Hendel

New York

Contributor at TIME

I help people understand emotions & trauma. My website has free resources. Sign up to stay connected! Read/listen to: IT’S NOT ALWAYS DEPRESSION (Random House)

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Articles

Don’t Forget Excitement: An Overlooked Core Emotion

2 weeks ago | hilaryjacobshendel.com | Hilary Jacobs Hendel

A young artist came to therapy feeling blocked and “lazy.” As we explored, she noticed a flutter in her chest when describing a new creative idea. When I gently asked her to stay with that sensation, tears came. She realized that her feelings of excitement had always been paired with criticism from a parent who feared risk. Together, we honored her excitement as a core emotion—not something to fear, but to trust.
The Change Triangle and AEDP in Under-Resourced Communities

1 month ago | pacesconnection.com | Hilary Jacobs Hendel

(Edited from the AEDP "In It Together" Conference Presentation by Heather Sanford, LCSW)In a system stretched thin and often focused on symptom management, AEDP offers something radically different: hope, transformation, and deep emotional healing. This is the story of how I brought AEDP into a program for people with serious mental illness—and how, together, we discovered that change is possible for everyone. Good morning. Thank you for being here.
Emotions Matter. Don't Just Think It Through, Feel It Through, Too.

2 months ago | hilaryjacobshendel.com | Hilary Jacobs Hendel

My parents taught me many useful lessons but perhaps the most valuable advice was to think it through. "Think before you speak" and "Think it through before act," they'd advise. These wise words served me well over the years. What I was not taught, however, was to consider my emotions before I opened my mouth or took actions.In the past, the idea of naming and processing emotions in the body in order to think more clearly and logically wasn't yet an idea to be considered.
Unburdening

Mar 12, 2025 | hilaryjacobshendel.com | Hilary Jacobs Hendel

My friend and colleague Dr. Drew Ramsey, MD, a nutritional psychiatrist, has written a new book called, Healing the Modern Brain. Drawing upon his years of experience as a physician, father, and human, Dr. Ramsey provides us with a broad-based prescription for wellness that we can absolutely fill. Upon coming across the chapter called Unburdening, I wondered what Dr. Ramsey meant by this word. There are many ways to unburden ourselves.
Parents Have Feelings, Too: A Guide to Navigating Your Emotions So You And Your Family Can Thrive|Hardcover

Feb 5, 2025 | barnesandnoble.com | Hilary Jacobs Hendel |Juli Fraga

Parents Have Feelings, Too: A Guide to Navigating Your Emotions So You And Your Family Can ThriveThis practical guide teaches parents how to understand and process their emotions–and how to teach this valuable, life changing skill to the next generation. Parents are stressed. It’s not uncommon for modern-day pressures and expectations to compromise a parent’s emotional well-being, causing them to lose control of their emotions and lash out.
Scripts to Relate Authentically with Emotions

Dec 7, 2024 | hilaryjacobshendel.com | Hilary Jacobs Hendel

IT'S YOUR FAULT! NO! IT'S YOUR FAULT!Both people are angry. After insults are flung and the damage is done, the outburst is over. But, simmering anger lingers with both people retreating into their lonely corners. Where does a couple go from this kind of stand-off? When we relate from our defenses, the brilliant ways we “protect” ourselves from emotions, a BIG wall blocks authentic connection.
When You Make a Mistake, What Happens Next?

Oct 7, 2024 | hilaryjacobshendel.com | Hilary Jacobs Hendel

There’s an old children’s book where a little piggy says, “When I make a mistake, I pick myself up.” Like the piggy, this is how we want to view mistakes: Mistakes are part of life and they can always be remedied. We can always pick ourselves up. I was lucky. When I was little and I broke something, my mom would say, “It’s ok. Everything is replaceable except people.” Now as an adult, when I make a mistake, I stay calm enough to think through solutions. I don’t have a punishing voice in my head.
“It’s me. Hi. I’m the problem. It’s me.” The Agony and the Ecstasy of Accountability

Aug 6, 2024 | hilaryjacobshendel.com | Hilary Jacobs Hendel

As the wife of a Swifty, I am familiar with the song Anti-Hero. As a psychotherapist and student of human wellbeing, these particular lyrics struck a chord for me (pun intended): It’s me. Hi. I’m the problem. It’s me. I don't know what Taylor intended, but to me this line is about the relief that comes from being accountable. Owning my mistakes, flaws, and transgressions, which hasn't always been an easy endeavor, has freed me from my defensiveness. It’s improved my family relationships immensely.
What Does Connection Feel Like?

Jun 7, 2024 | hilaryjacobshendel.com | Hilary Jacobs Hendel

Humans are wired for connection. Being connected to other people, pets, nature, and our own self feels good and right. But, how do we know when we are connected? What does connection actually feel like in the body? And, why does knowing this even matter? Connection is regulating for our nervous systemSome of us were lucky enough to have parents who leaned into connection. They tried to affirm and validate us. They tried to meet our needs. Their presence was calming.
Stressed or sad? Four ways to cope with difficult emotions

Apr 10, 2024 | dailyherald.com | Juli Fraga |Hilary Jacobs Hendel

Tending to emotions, rather than covering them up, can improve our well-being and help us thrive. Getty Images Daily life can evoke painful emotions. News of war can bring out sadness; climate change disasters can trigger fear. A squabble with a partner or a misunderstanding at work can unleash anger. Knowing how to handle emotions can improve our mental health.