Paul Dallison

Brussels

Deputy EU Editor and Columnist at POLITICO Europe

By day, mild-mannered Deputy EU Editor @POLITICOEurope, Declassified columnist, occasional stand-up comedian, and writer/performer @SchumanShow. By night, same.

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Articles

Please forgive our politicians for desperately courting Taylor Swift

Oct 10, 2024 | politico.eu | Paul Dallison

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column. Being a politician is a tough life. When the phone rings it’s likely either your boss (bad), the press (worse), or a disgruntled member of the public (unthinkable). So it’s understandable that when an actual celebrity comes a-calling, you pay attention.
Fake tan, papal candies and conservative umbrellas: The art of political merchandise

Oct 3, 2024 | politico.eu | Paul Dallison

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column. The greatest pieces of merchandise of all time are, of course, lollipops with the face of John Paul II on them. Because what better way to show your religious fervor than by licking a sugar effigy of the late pope’s face? The European Union is, alas, rubbish at merch.
Quels commissaires européens ont le plus d’immobilier, d’argent et d’influence ?

Oct 3, 2024 | politico.eu | Elisa Braun |Max Griera |Paul Dallison

BRUXELLES — Jusqu’à quel point la nouvelle équipe de commissaires espérant travailler pour Ursula von der Leyen est-elle irréprochable ? La commission des Affaires juridiques du Parlement européen, connue sous le nom de JURI, examine les déclarations d’intérêts de tous les dirigeants de l’UE pour le savoir.
Leaked documents: Which EU commissioners have the most property, money and influence

Oct 2, 2024 | politico.eu | Elisa Braun |Max Griera |Paul Dallison

BRUSSELS — Just how squeaky clean are the new team of commissioners hoping to work for Ursula von der Leyen? The European Parliament’s legal affairs committee, known as JURI, is going through the declarations of interest of all top EU officials to find out. In a decisive meeting Thursday, its lawmakers are debating whether or not the 26 prospective commissioners are fit to do their job in total independence (the president, von der Leyen, is not included in the screening process).
Meat is murder (if you accidentally mention it in a speech)

Sep 26, 2024 | politico.eu | Paul Dallison

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column. Remember David Cameron? (Cue mass boos from pro-EU readers.)Anyway, when I think of Cameron (and there’s been plenty of therapy at POLITICO’s expense to stop that from happening) it’s because of four things: He started the whole Brexit nonsense because he was scared of Nigel Farage; at university, he put his penis — his, er (Boris) Johnson?
Animal fears, hatred and a commissioner for cruises: Behind the new European Commission

Sep 19, 2024 | politico.eu | Paul Dallison

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column. Relax, ordinary citizens of Europe! We finally have a new European Commission, so you can rest easy, knowing that a bunch of people you’ve never heard of are going to do, er, something. Here are Declassified’s top takeaways from the announcement: Advertisement We’ll miss Thierry Breton, even if Ursula von der Leyen won’t.
What just happened? A beginner’s guide to von der Leyen’s European Commission

Sep 17, 2024 | politico.eu | Aitor Hernández-Morales |Paul Dallison |Barbara Moens |Louise Guillot

If you understand how Brussels works — and by Brussels, we mean the European Union — then Tuesday was a big day, with European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen announcing her top team for her second term through 2029. If you don’t understand how Brussels works (or have been pretending that you do for work), it will have been borderline incomprehensible. Fear not, POLITICO has you covered.
The alternative European Commission

Sep 12, 2024 | politico.eu | Paul Dallison

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column. It’s official: Ursula von der Leyen is a slow reader! How else to explain her decision to delay the announcement of her new European Commission just hours after Mario “Bazooka” Draghi’s report on the future of EU competitiveness? The only plausible explanation is that she hadn’t read Draghi’s report — although to be fair, it did run to 400 pages (was he being paid by the word?).
Man arrested for sending threatening letter, drugs to Malta’s EU commissioner

Sep 11, 2024 | politico.eu | Paul Dallison

A man has been arrested on suspicion of sending a threatening note and a bag containing drugs to the home of Malta’s European commissioner, Helena Dalli. According to the Times of Malta, a 30-year-old man, who has not been named, was detained in connection with the incident. Screenshots of the letter in local media show the phrase (in all caps): “Next time I will be prepaird [sic] to get something for the kids” with hearts and kisses drawn underneath.
A new axis of evil spoils birthday celebrations

Sep 5, 2024 | politico.eu | Paul Dallison

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column. First up, some unasked-for self-congratulations … this week is the 5th birthday of this little column. To celebrate, I’ve doubled the weekly order of Jean-Claude Juncker-branded gin. In classic journalistic fashion, on Sept. 6, 2019 (the day Robert Mugabe died. Coincidence? Yes!) I was given a good hour’s notice before deadline and we had no name after my initial suggestion “I hate the following people … ” was harshly rejected.