Troy Johnson

Per recipe, WaterWipes sound a lot like La Croix for butts. https://t.co/WRr6C5nPnh

Throw pillows don't specify where they should be thrown. Take em for a ride on a freeway. Throw em out the window. Reclaim your life. https://t.co/tePSHNaeaB

OK guys, here's what I've learned about tariffs. Your bourbon friend is about to be super moody. The reign of avocado toast will finally end. And cars are about to cost a billion dollars. Plusses and minuses.

If I were Canada and Mexico, I'd revenge-tariff Lululemon specifically. There's a repressed rage about expensive-yoga-pants people that will undo America.

My browser is so confused. "This guy has googled nothing but different cheeses for two years and now he wants to know a **** ton about tariffs."

After age 30 life is mostly just entering codes to recover passwords, most of which are the names of your kids that you're not spending time with because you've gotta recover this password.

Why the emoji gods still limiting us to one per message? I want to heart your text and laugh at it. Possibly some light crying, an eggplant.

RT @SanDiegoMag: In our Jan. issue, @_troyjohnson reviews Le Coq, the grand finale from the duo behind Herb & Wood and Animae. This Parisia…

Having friends is a wild experience in the age of Ozempic. One day they’re sticking to our unspoken but important slightly chubby pact and then bam they look great and hungry but not hungry with two little Half Domes jutting out of what’s left of their face. A cheekbone flash mob

"Shingletown" sounds painful.

Colin McCarthy @US_Stormwatch

Unbelievable video of a tornado that just touched down seconds ago in Northern California near Shingletown. https://t.co/9jiwm4HlCb

I don’t know if we’re in daylight savings right now or if it’s daylight spendings but whichever it is sucks and feels like I live on Game of Thrones.

Hawk Tuah trending under "Business and Finance" is peak America. https://t.co/3sK8dDZCdf

Used to just be some lights and a wreath but now restaurants aren’t happy unless you feel hot boxed by the holiday spirit.

With enough time to process, I need to say that my turkey was perfect. It hasn't always been that way. I've stuffed beer cans in birds with enough aromatics to be considered a cologne and the bird turned out barely flavored. Like a turkey La Croix. But this time. Oh, this time.

RT @s8n: https://t.co/l3c72TG0yI

Wish motorcycle mufflers turned revving into Enya songs. You wanna gas it down a residential street, tough guy? Badass. All area singles will bear testament to the power of your Orinoco Flow.