Alien Sideboob

Alien Sideboob

The section they prevented me from contributing to for you.

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The grim pinata

2 days ago | aliensideboob.substack.com | John Birmingham

I remembered a favourite misremembered quote today, William Goldman's famous line about Hollywood. “Nobody knows nothin' about anything.” The actual quote is more articulate and measured: “Nobody knows anything. Not one person in the entire motion picture field knows for a certainty what's going to work.” It doesn't pack the same South Bronx punch, but both versions nail the point. We’re all pretending, but some of us are leaning into it a little harder.
Minutes of the Four Horsemen Corporation’s Quarterly Planning Meeting

1 week ago | aliensideboob.substack.com | John Birmingham

Date: June 20, 2025 Time: 2:00 PM - 3:15 PM EST Location: Hell, Executive Level Meeting Chair: Mr. Death (Acting CEO) Attendees - Mr. Death (Chief Executive Officer) - Mr. War (Vice President, Global Conflict Operations) - Mr. Famine (Chief Supply Chain Disruption Officer) - Mr. Pestilence (Director of Public Health Initiatives) 2:03 PM - Call to Order Mr. Death opened the meeting and noted that Q2 performance metrics were "very promising." Mr. War, embracing the Corporation's Casual Friday...
A Ponzi scheme for used periscopes.

2 weeks ago | aliensideboob.substack.com | John Birmingham

Let us now gather to commit the body of AUKUS to the deep, and offer a solemn "bugger me" for the slow, groaning death of Scott Morrison’s last great fuck-up.
My apologies, Mr Premier

3 weeks ago | aliensideboob.substack.com | John Birmingham

I’m sorry, David. I know we haven’t corresponded much since you got into government, and frankly, that’s my fault. I was so distracted by the lurid incompetence and occasional light criminality at the fringes of the previous administration that when you arrived in office, I merely shrugged and thought, okay, that’s fine, I suppose. The oceans are boilin…
The Beast

1 month ago | aliensideboob.substack.com | John Birmingham

No one would have believed, in the increasingly stupid years of the 21st century, that I would open my daily scroll of doom to learn that James Patterson—the literary equivalent of a haunted fax machine plugged directly into the overflow tank at a Red Bull factory—was ‘co-writing’ a thriller with MrBeast, a man-child YouTube trolligarch who gamifies human desperation for likes, filming acts of weaponised charity to unlock a giant personal loot box in the winner-takes-all game of late-stage...
Choosing what you want.

1 month ago | aliensideboob.substack.com | John Birmingham

Sometimes these things are easy to write. Sometimes they all but write themselves. If I wanted to do a bit on the Coalition breakup this week, I could probably ask Siri to write it for me. Even she couldn’t mess that up. But Annabel Crabb has already written that meisterwerk, and I had something else planned for this week anyway. Even so, I hardly know where to begin. Writing a private column like this, I get to choose every week what interests me.
The Decline and Fall of the House of Walmarticus

1 month ago | aliensideboob.substack.com | John Birmingham

(A little programming note. I’ve got two books coming out next week and I’m very excited. They’re part of a new and different project for me, something that started out as a giggle and got serious. I meant today’s column to be a simple think piece to give me a bit of extra time to do my pre-launch stuff, but a bit like the books, this also got a bit serious. Oh well. Apologies for next week, when you’re gonna be hearing all about this one weird thing I just did.
What if they had a culture war and nobody came?

1 month ago | aliensideboob.substack.com | John Birmingham

All good things must come to an end, even the Festival of Shameful Joy. And so, I lie here on my orgy couch, wiping a thin sheen of sweat from my brow with one trembling hand, while gently drumming the fingertips of the other on my hugely distended belly, engorged as it is on a magical, never ending string of victory sausages stuffed with schadenfreude. And I think to myself, it won’t always be like this, you know. Some day they’ll be back.
This is why we can have nice things.

1 month ago | aliensideboob.substack.com | John Birmingham

Today is the Festival of Schadenfreude. I celebrated, as is my want now and then, by tossing Ruper Murdoch a couple of dollarydoos so that I might spend the day soaking in a warm bath of reactionary tears. The weeping and wailing and the gnashing of teeth today, especially in The Oz, lights up the deepest, darkest corners of my shrivelled heart with a supernova of malign exhilaration. And frankly, I’d like to get back to it.
Take a deep breath.

1 month ago | aliensideboob.substack.com | John Birmingham

I’m in transit today, and I want to wait until the election is over before writing anything, so the column will drop on Monday. I’m in Sydney until Sunday, which coincidentally is where the LNP will host their election party. Seriously thinking of dropping in if the schadenfreude becomes irresistible. Of course, if the Spud pulls off a win, you’ll find me …

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