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3 days ago | 
geneweingarten.substack.com | Gene Weingarten
Hello.
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6 days ago | 
geneweingarten.substack.com | Gene Weingarten
Hello. The following happened yesterday. As humans sometimes do, Rachel attempted to drink a glass of water. We have a water dispenser in our refrigerator, but it suddenly issued no water. So she went to the sink. It did not dispense water. It made a gurgling sound, like a turtle surfacing from a septic tank. So we waited. After about an hour, there was still no water in the house, which is when we realized we also had no working toilets. This became something of an impending crisis.
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1 week ago | 
geneweingarten.substack.com | Pat Myers |Gene Weingarten
“Trump is Trumpier the second time around,” sings Jonathan Jensen in a parody of the Frank Sinatra hit about love. See lots of other videos and lyrics below in this week’s Invitational results. Hello. Hey, WTF? RUOK? That’s our new contest for Invitational Week 123.
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1 week ago | 
geneweingarten.substack.com | Gene Weingarten
Hello. You wake up because your dog wakes you up. You haven’t taken her out since seven o’clock the previous night because you were tired and it was raining. You feel guilt. So, it is 6 a.m. and Lexi wants to pee. Fine! You yourself have to pee anyway since your prostate gland is the size of a beanbag chair or a weather balloon, both of which are comparisons you have made before because you are a writer who is out of new ideas, being 73 years old. You pee, then take her out to pee.
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1 week ago | 
geneweingarten.substack.com | Gene Weingarten
Okay, here are the Trump-related headlines from the last week. He said he would like to be pope. Unlike most Americans who are terrified by this disclosure, I do not think he was serious. I think he was joking, But behold the problem. WE JUST DON’T KNOW. That is the main problem with Trump. He is nuts. He might say anything.
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1 week ago | 
geneweingarten.substack.com | Gene Weingarten
Hello. One day in 1910 or 1911 — the exact year is in dispute — the clock pictured above was hanging on a wall in a bar in Montana when two assholes got into a gunfight. A duel, basically. Right there, in the saloon. This was back in the time of the still Wild West when that sort of thing routinely occurred, apparently. It is said that no one died or was severely injured in this duel, but a stray bullet struck the clock, shattered the glass, and made a hole in the brass pendulum.
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2 weeks ago | 
geneweingarten.substack.com | Gene Weingarten
Hello. Last night Rachel and I had two baked branzino fish and boiled artichokes. They were splendid. Afterwards, because Rachel is a an insanely rabid devoted and wonderfully fabulous environmentalist, she put the fish carcasses into a small compost bin in the kitchen, to be composted so as to save the planet Earth. Here is a current photograph of the compost bin. We took this photograph after Lexi, the Plott Hound, got to it. She dismantled it in order to obtain fish.
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2 weeks ago | 
geneweingarten.substack.com | Pat Myers |Gene Weingarten
Hello. Welcome to the finish line of the 32nd Invitational Derby. As always, we challenged you to “breed” any two names from a list of 100 three-year-old racehorses nominated for this year’s Kentucky Derby and other Triple Crown races . . . and then name the foal. This is among the most ancient and popular and redundant Invitational contests, which we have introduced here for 30 years, always striving for some new way to make it interesting.
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2 weeks ago | 
geneweingarten.substack.com | Gene Weingarten
Hello. That’s my scale, and my socks, in my feet, photographed last night from over my right shoulder, by Rachel Manteuffel, my partner. I hereby visit upon you the brain trauma that I am otherwise naked. I am five foot nine and a quarter inches tall. This results in a body mass index of 28.5, which is definitely overweight and about a week of obscene gobbling away from obese. My avoirdupois has never been this elevated.
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2 weeks ago | 
geneweingarten.substack.com | Gene Weingarten
Hello. Okay you are completely welcome to skip right past this very short Gene Pool, which is about necrophilia. The rest of us will wait right here while you depart. We will not make fun of you after you leave. Are you gone now? Good. What wimps they are. Okay, so.