Johanna Gohmann

Jul 23, 2024 | newyorker.com | Wendi Aarons |Johanna Gohmann

Hello! Are you an American threatening to leave the country if the wrong guy gets elected? Let us help! We’re the country of Elbonia. Unless you work in the nuclear-refuse field and/or manufacture lip filler, you’ve most likely never heard of us. But unlike Spain, Italy, and other countries where, on Instagram, people drink Aperol spritzes in oversized hats, we are happy to have you! Our high mortality rate and declining population equal your fresh start.

Apr 4, 2024 | msn.com | Johanna Gohmann

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Apr 4, 2024 | wsj.com | Johanna Gohmann

While trying to return some footwear to a discount shoe outlet that shall remain nameless (but rhymes with flappos), I recently found myself stuck in a password infinity loop. In need of a new password, I was sent a code. I put in the code, changed the password, but still no access. I could not break free. Did I want a new code? I did not. What I wanted was to break my keyboard with a hammer. What I wanted was to howl. Was it clumsy fingers? A broken brain?

Mar 27, 2024 | newyorker.com | Wendi Aarons |Johanna Gohmann

Call ’round to the pub and dine on a hearty meal of potatoes, bangers, and the knowledge that you are Christopher Nolan’s favorite. Return home to stand before the hearth and mournfully play Billie Eilish’s “What Was I Made For?” on the panpipes. Whisper, “I was made to bring my ethereal talent to the mortal world.”Try on various peaked caps whilst drinking bathtub gin. Select a cap for the evening’s bath, throwing others back into the peaked-cap room. Add Guinness glitter bath bomb to gin. Soak.

Aug 22, 2023 | romper.com | Johanna Gohmann

My mother was demanding a refund from some vampires. I was hiding in the corner, pretending to be extremely interested in a decorative coffin balanced against a wall. “As I said, we don’t do refunds,” the vampire glowered at my mother from beneath long, crimson bangs. “And as I said,” my mother sniffed, “nowhere on my receipt does it say you don’t do refunds.” My waved her receipt in the air, her other hand clutching her pink purse at her side.