Johanna Gohmann

2 weeks ago | medium.com | Johanna Gohmann

Dream 1I walk into the living room to find a shirtless Michael Fassbender sprawled upon the couch. He stares intensely into my eyes. “You know,” he says, in his softly lilting accent: “You haven’t changed your Brita filter in months.”Dream 2Ryan Gosling, Paul Mescal, and my son’s allergist all eagerly await me in a clearing in the woods. As I approach, Dr. Hammond announces that they’ve all chipped in to get me a gift card to Zara.

2 weeks ago | newyorker.com | Wendi Aarons |Emily Flake |Johanna Gohmann |Miriam Jayaratna

You want me to spank you, don’t you? Too bad, because instead I’m going to punish you with disappointed sighs. Now hold this remote in your hand. That’s right, nice and tight. But don’t click it to watch the new episode of “Real Housewives of Salt Lake City”—not until I grant permission. Remember how you wanted me to check if the stove was off before bed, baby? Well, guess what? I didn’t. I know how badly you want to be blindfolded.

Jul 23, 2024 | newyorker.com | Wendi Aarons |Johanna Gohmann

Hello! Are you an American threatening to leave the country if the wrong guy gets elected? Let us help! We’re the country of Elbonia. Unless you work in the nuclear-refuse field and/or manufacture lip filler, you’ve most likely never heard of us. But unlike Spain, Italy, and other countries where, on Instagram, people drink Aperol spritzes in oversized hats, we are happy to have you! Our high mortality rate and declining population equal your fresh start.

Apr 4, 2024 | msn.com | Johanna Gohmann

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Apr 4, 2024 | wsj.com | Johanna Gohmann

While trying to return some footwear to a discount shoe outlet that shall remain nameless (but rhymes with flappos), I recently found myself stuck in a password infinity loop. In need of a new password, I was sent a code. I put in the code, changed the password, but still no access. I could not break free. Did I want a new code? I did not. What I wanted was to break my keyboard with a hammer. What I wanted was to howl. Was it clumsy fingers? A broken brain?