Wendi Aarons

2 weeks ago | mcsweeneys.net | Wendi Aarons

Winning trivia night at the bar you went to in college. - - -Dance partner in a high-end pharmaceutical commercial. - - -Social media influencer in the menopause space. - - -Molly Ringwald look-alike contest. - - -Selling vintage T-shirts from concerts you actually attended. - - -Freelance music critic (mostly unpaid). - - -Osteoporosis clinical trial patient. - - -Lyft driver known for blasting “retro music” from the 1900s. - - -Shoplift, because it’s not like anyone even notices you anymore.

4 weeks ago | mcsweeneys.net | Wendi Aarons

Julie Owens, who bravely tugged on a tankini in mid-January in order to chaperone her twins to an indoor water park. After nearly swallowing a wet Band-Aid in the wave pool, Owens—in a show of tremendous valor—merely dry heaved thrice. Hannah Robertson, who not only took her eleven-year-old to Sephora but also bought the pubescent child a sixty-five-dollar jade roller and twenty-five-dollar toner, all without once rolling her eyes or mentioning the patriarchy.

1 month ago | newyorker.com | Wendi Aarons |Emily Flake |Johanna Gohmann |Miriam Jayaratna

You want me to spank you, don’t you? Too bad, because instead I’m going to punish you with disappointed sighs. Now hold this remote in your hand. That’s right, nice and tight. But don’t click it to watch the new episode of “Real Housewives of Salt Lake City”—not until I grant permission. Remember how you wanted me to check if the stove was off before bed, baby? Well, guess what? I didn’t. I know how badly you want to be blindfolded.

1 month ago | mcsweeneys.net | Wendi Aarons

Please take a few moments to let us know how you’d like your tax dollars spent by the Trump administration. 1. It’s important to me that my money supports…a) public televisionb) national parksc) irrigation for the Mar-a-Lago golf course2. In this era of climate crisis, the government must invest more in…a) green and renewable energyb) electric and solar-powered vehicles c) plastic straws3.

2 months ago | thebarbedwire.com | Omar Gallaga |Wendi Aarons

Let us tell you a tale, youngster, of an Austin ruled by crushed tallboys, pink hair at Barton Creek, and Butthole Surfers songs blasting from FM car radios — long before Lime scooters were invented. Once upon a time, migas tacos used to cost just $.99 and include a free Lone Star, delivered by a cowboy on horseback. That cowboy? Mayor Ethan Hawke. See that building that’s plastered in protein powder as part of a supplement company’s brand activation?