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Dec 10, 2024 | 
mcsweeneys.net | Jus Kaplan |Jonah Nink |Jack Stebbins
How You MetBoston: Attended the same biotech industry mixer. Chicago: Saw each other’s reflection in the Bean during golden hour. New York: Almost sat in the same pee puddle on the C train. The Pickup LineBoston: “I went to school just outside Boston.
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Dec 10, 2024 | 
hard-drive.net | Jus Kaplan
LOS ANGELES — Famed Hollywood writer, director, and producer Ryan Murphy has reportedly yelped in a startling fit of ecstasy after seeing the sheer attractiveness of Luigi Mangione, the alleged killer of UnitedHealth CEO Brian Thompson, sources close to him confirm. “I was in the hallway while Ryan was sitting in his office at his desk, silently scrolling through his Instagram feed of hot chiseled men like any typical workday afternoon,” said Murphy’s executive assistant Liam Tran.
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Oct 30, 2024 | 
hard-drive.net | Jus Kaplan
SAN DIEGO — At his office’s Halloween party, Travis Pameno was quick to recognize a coworker in a meticulously crafted Overwatch costume, and just as quick to ignore it. “Of course I knew that Valerie was dressed up as D.Va. I used to play Overwatch back when it was still good. But that was like, eight years ago,” said Pameno. “I don’t want my manager to know about my past mistakes, so I just put my head down as Valerie walked in wearing that expensive looking custom mech.
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Oct 7, 2024 | 
hard-drive.net | Jus Kaplan
MINNEAPOLIS — In a disturbing revelation that has left acquaintances confused and appalled, local man Kevin Whittaker, 34, has admitted to deriving significantly more joy from the board game aspects of the Mario Party franchise than from the mini-games, disgusted sources report. “We did a game night last weekend, and after a few drinks I suggested we play ‘Super Mario Party’ on my Switch.
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Sep 23, 2024 | 
hard-drive.net | Jus Kaplan
FREDERICK, Md. — Self-proclaimed Disney fanatic Seth Deluth was left downright disgusted this week when a 67-year old work colleague, Valerie Lee, had the gall to assume he liked the Minions franchise, an office source confirmed. “So Valerie came in Monday and told Seth she saw ‘Despicable Me 4’ with her grandson over the weekend. She said something like, ‘Now I see why you like these cute cartoon guys!’ and he just lost his shit,” explained Breton Poole, a coworker of Deluth and Lee.
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Sep 21, 2024 | 
thehardtimes.net | Jus Kaplan
Hello! I hope now works for a quick phone call. It always feels better to talk instead of text if you ask me. And I hate how cold emails can be. First of all, how are you? I feel like no one asks that anymore. Just because I’m your landlord doesn’t mean I don’t care. I’m an empath, remember? If anything, I care too much. You’re doing well? I’m so relieved to hear that! You deserve great things in life. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. So, about your lease renewal.
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Sep 15, 2024 | 
hard-drive.net | Jus Kaplan
SEATTLE — A local Monstera deliciosa plant, lovingly referred to as MoMo, is decidedly more hydrated than Patty Girard, its overly doting plant parent, a source close to the plant has confirmed. “Ever since she got that poor plant last week, Patty has watered it every day at 9am on the dot. I told her it’s too much and that she needs to cut back like a lot, but she insists that there’s no such thing as too much water,” said roommate Louis Summers.
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Jul 31, 2024 | 
mcsweeneys.net | Amy Currul |Jus Kaplan |Jack Stebbins
“The bid to bring the Summer Olympics to Boston in 2024 fell apart nine years ago… Many community leaders and residents were supportive of the idea, and some expressed disappointment when the bid was canceled.” — The Boston Globe, 7/24/2024 - - - Rotary Cycling No Blinker Merging Allston Couch Surfing Four-Hundred-Meter Dash (to the nearest Dunkin’) MBTA Delay Relay Swimming in Housing Debt Mass Pike Marathon Bragging About Basketball Biotech Job Hopping School Boarding Town Name Pronouncing...
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Jul 8, 2024 | 
thehardtimes.net | Jus Kaplan
PORTLAND, Ore.—Sage Copeland, who has never driven a day in his life, is adamant that his automobile abstinence is an environmental thing and nothing else, the 32-year-old vegan confirmed. “Cars are destroying our planet, full stop, end of story,” said Copeland, breathing heavily as he walked his fixed-gear bike up a hill. “I would never in a million years make our dear mother Gaia choke on the wretched combustion of fossil fuels.
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Jun 28, 2024 | 
thehardtimes.net | Jus Kaplan
So you think you’re a stan of Charli XCX, huh. One of Charli’s Angels? Cute. You’re gonna have to prove it. But don’t go flaunting any ticket stubs or merch, mama. That proves nothing these days. Real fans of Charli XCX can name at least 3 brands of poppers. You heard me, twink. Start naming brands of “nail polish remover” or “VHS cleaner” if you want me to believe you actually bump Charli. Or do you not even know what poppers are?
