Mike Paulus

Eau Claire

Contributor at Volume One

Wisconsinite, writer, and online editor for http://t.co/MiSXhkc48k. Trimmed in the finest of mahogany.

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Articles

THE REAR END: What If I Bought The 4-Wheeler?

2 weeks ago | volumeone.org | Mike Paulus

On the day we moved into our house, nestled into Eau Claire’s Eastside Hill neighborhood, our neighbor’s son (an enterprising young man with a thick southern accent) greeted me and then immediately asked if I’d like to buy his 4-wheeler. Said 4-wheeler was parked in his front yard. This wasn’t a 4-wheeler built for the Northwoods, with big, trail-chewing tires, copious equipment racks, and a handy winch.
THE REAR END: Clawful Good

1 month ago | volumeone.org | Mike Paulus |Eva Paulus

On a recent visit to my doctor, she noticed a bunch of scratch marks on my legs, down near my ankles, and said she could prescribe me some cream for my itchy, dry skin. I told her there’d be no need for such creams and ointments, for I had not made these scratches. This was the work of my cat. Beans. She said, “Oh! He must love to play.” I told her, “Yes. He loves to play. But those marks aren’t from playing.
THE REAR END: Vampire Gnats

1 month ago | volumeone.org | Mike Paulus |Eva Paulus

I have hairy forearms. You wouldn’t stare at them if you were seated next to me at a restaurant or anything, but upon close inspection, you’d discover I maintain a robust, masculine forest or arm follicles. The same is true for my legs. So if I’m sporting a T-shirt-n-shorts combo, I’ve got plenty of hair out there, a-blowin’ in the elements. And it’s not just my wife who loves it. Gnats love it, too.
THE REAR END: Dark Shapes/Fuzzy Friends

2 months ago | volumeone.org | Mike Paulus |Eva Paulus

They think I can’t see them. But I can. Very early in the morning, I’m the first one up, staring out my windows into the grey-washed backyard. I’m barely awake, but there I am, watching. And I totally see them. Shadowy beasts lopping from here to there. Black, pensive shapes going about their dark sky business, wary of neighborhood sounds and cars pulling from nearby driveways. Sometimes I’ll be in the kitchen when I catch sight of one.
THE REAR END: No Pain No Chain

Mar 20, 2025 | volumeone.org | Mike Paulus |Eva Paulus

Back in third or maybe fourth grade, I had a chain. It was about 30 feet long with small links, maybe one inch each. I went outside and played with it when I got bored. And I had stolen it. From my grade school. With an earnest determination only children and the truly passionate among us seem to possess, I tried to develop a new style of fighting with the chain. Like karate or kung-fu or ninjutsu. But with a 30-foot chain that didn’t belong to me.
THE REAR END: The Hole Truth

Mar 6, 2025 | volumeone.org | Mike Paulus |Eva Paulus

It’s getting hard to describe the potholes around here. We’ve been talking about them for decades and we’ve simply run out of good adjectives. We can’t even call them “potholes” anymore. Instead, we say “sinkhole” or “crater” or “axle breaker” or “The Gaping Maw of Hell Itself.” Because they are getting big. And deep. Hopefully, things will warm up soon and the city can get out there to patch things up.
THE REAR END: The Sickening

Feb 7, 2025 | volumeone.org | Mike Paulus |Eva Paulus

I don’t get sick very often. At least, not in the classical sense. I might have a day or two here and there when my throat is scratchy or my nose is running, and I randomly utter things like, “Ugh. I think I’m getting sick.” Or, “Gah. My tummy is a little queasy.” Or, “Bluh. The snot that’s constantly refilling my nose alternates wildly between liquid and solid states.” Or, “Ga’zoinksaroo.
THE REAR END: What Happened to Winter?

Jan 23, 2025 | volumeone.org | Mike Paulus |Eva Paulus

Listen, I’m not one to spread conspiracy theories unless they’re probably true. Then I’m totally one to spread conspiracy theories. I’ll spread ’em like gooey hazelnut chocolate paste all over a crispy, buttery shortbread cookie yum yum yum. So, when I look at the abysmal state of Wisconsin’s current winter season, I just know there’s something funny going on. And not funny-ha-ha. Funny-nah-nah, I ain’t buyin’ it.
THE REAR END: Start Stopping

Jan 14, 2025 | volumeone.org | Mike Paulus |Serena Wagner

All over the city, strange little pockets of insanity are nestled at the intersections of our fair roadways. Few of us seem to understand how to navigate these asphalt obstacles, making up our own rules as we go along. But people, there are rules. Rules you must follow. I’m talking about four-way stops. I assume that, no matter where one lives in these great United States, one believes the drivers in their town are the worst at four-way stopping.
THE REAR END: Subdued by Gratitute

Nov 27, 2024 | volumeone.org | Mike Paulus |Eva Paulus

Here we are, nestled smack dab in the middle of the holiday season, when gratitude fills the air like pollen. You know, they say gratitude is “the fairest blossom which springs from the soul.”* And I am very grateful they said this. In fact, these words have inspired me to offer up a smattering of other things for which I am similarly grateful.