The Hard Times

The Hard Times is an authentic punk news platform that you can trust without doubt. Take in the news as fact and keep going. This renowned satire site started in December 1976 and was created by a diverse group of punk and hardcore enthusiasts from various sub-genres of the DIY hardcore community. Any similarities to real individuals or band names are purely coincidental.

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Sad! Kid in Nirvana Shirt Doesn’t Even Know the Words to “Moist Vagina”

1 week ago | thehardtimes.net | Zack Zagranis

It was P.T. Barnum’s angsty cousin who once said, “There’s a poser born every minute,” and the older I get, the more I think truer words were never spoken. On the one hand, it’s cool that ‘90s alternative is experiencing something of a resurgence with today’s youth culture, but how sincere is it?
Avoidant Attachment? This Woman Can’t End a Relationship So She Robs Them Instead

1 week ago | thehardtimes.net | Rachel Hein

A relationship has been confirmed as “officially over” when a woman robbed her former lover at gunpoint. This is a repeat offender who has pillaged the home of every man she’s dated upon being questioned about “defining the relationship.” She is a risk to her community and specifically to any man who thinks he can be the one to tie her down, as she may steal his heart but she will also steal all his belongings. “I don’t know, man, I thought things were good. She’s hot.
Starbucks Sets Cafe Ambience With Worst Cover of "Dreams" You've Ever Heard

2 weeks ago | thehardtimes.net | Jonah Nink

CHICAGO — Local woman Wendy Sachs felt “incredibly lucky” to hear the worst cover of Fleetwood Mac’s “Dreams” ever written by a human in her neighborhood Starbucks, confirmed sources who went to Dunkin’ Donuts instead. “I was enjoying the weird aftertaste of my venti iced coffee when the cafe music changed from the ‘Wicked’ soundtrack to a cover of ‘Dreams’ so bad that I momentarily forgot my mother’s face,” said Sachs.
Five Songs We Listened To This Week While Loudly Complaining About Every Festival Lineup

2 weeks ago | thehardtimes.net | Corey Montgomery

Spring is in the air, which means festival season is upon us. It’s a glorious time to gather with friends, get violently dehydrated, and leave scathing comments on social media about how upset you are that your fest of choice doesn’t have every band from your ‘recently listened to’ section on the lineup. While we’re excited to see the Beach Boys at – checks notes – Riot Fest this year, here are some songs we listened to instead this week.
Rebellious Bartender Only Plays “Closing Time” at Opening

3 weeks ago | thehardtimes.net | Mimi Kenny

HUNTSVILLE, Ala. — Rebellious bartender Shae Ruggeri insisted on playing Semisonic’s signature song “Closing Time” exclusively at the start of her opening shifts, confirmed sources who were equally curious about her stomach tattoo of “Regular Show” character Muscle Man. “When I first started at The Lagoon last fall, I was exclusively working nights, and at last call, Dave would always put on ‘Closing Time,’” Ruggeri said.
Danzig Admits He'll Settle for Your Femur in A Pinch

3 weeks ago | thehardtimes.net | Zack Zagranis

LODI, N.J. — Misfits lead singer Glenn Danzig is reportedly amending the band’s ongoing request for skulls to include leg bones, if absolutely necessary, confirmed sources. “I’ve been screaming ‘I want your skull, I need your skull’ at every Misfits show since the early ‘80s, and to this day, only one fan has ever sent me their braincase,” said Danzig. “And even then, the pig didn’t even have the courtesy to remove the skin and hair before sending it through the mail.
Trump Presents Verizon Wireless Easter Egg Roll in Front of Newly Renamed TD Bank White House

3 weeks ago | thehardtimes.net | Zack Zagranis

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump delayed the annual White House Easter Egg Roll a in order to allow time to thank all the corporate sponsors who are making the event possible, confirmed multiple sources in fresh Comcast gear confirmed. “Just weeks after making a historic deal with TD Bank to rebrand The White House, and this was a great deal people, one of the best deals in the history of America.
Five Songs We Listened To This Week While Googling 'What Is The Stock Market?'

1 month ago | thehardtimes.net | Corey Montgomery

Congratulations! You’ve made it through another week of wildly conflicting information and malaise. You probably don’t deserve a break, but you should take one anyway. One of the easiest things you can do to unwind is listen to lots of loud abrasive music, and we have you covered. Here are five songs we listened to that are sure to help you forget your one stock in NOS Energy Drink is absolutely plummeting.
Bassist Writes Own Birthday Post on Band's Instagram Page Again

1 month ago | thehardtimes.net | Jonah Nink

CHICAGO — Death Crack bassist Tim Bolz said he was “totally fine” with writing his own birthday post on the band’s Instagram page for the fifth year in a row, scene sources reported. “I already write everyone else’s birthday post so I may as well write mine too,” Bolz said while spending his fourth hour crafting the perfect message. “Plus, no one knows it’s me writing my own happy birthday post so I get to be extra nice to myself.
Self-Improvement Win: This Man Found Someone He Hates More Than Himself

1 month ago | thehardtimes.net | Zack Zagranis

Hate is a word usually reserved for one’s most despised enemies, but what if the most pustulant, putrid, revolting human being you can think of is yourself? Well, if you’re self-described “subhuman clown boner,” Fleck Changstein, you spend the day loathing every inch of yourself, from your stupid hair to your weirdly knobby ankles. However, in a surprise twist of fate, Fleck recently found someone he hates even more than himself.