The Hard Times

1 week ago | thehardtimes.net | Corey Montgomery

Congratulations! You’ve made it through another week of wildly conflicting information and malaise. You probably don’t deserve a break, but you should take one anyway. One of the easiest things you can do to unwind is listen to lots of loud abrasive music, and we have you covered. Here are five songs we listened to that are sure to help you forget your one stock in NOS Energy Drink is absolutely plummeting.

2 weeks ago | thehardtimes.net | Jonah Nink

CHICAGO — Death Crack bassist Tim Bolz said he was “totally fine” with writing his own birthday post on the band’s Instagram page for the fifth year in a row, scene sources reported. “I already write everyone else’s birthday post so I may as well write mine too,” Bolz said while spending his fourth hour crafting the perfect message. “Plus, no one knows it’s me writing my own happy birthday post so I get to be extra nice to myself.

2 weeks ago | thehardtimes.net | Zack Zagranis

Hate is a word usually reserved for one’s most despised enemies, but what if the most pustulant, putrid, revolting human being you can think of is yourself? Well, if you’re self-described “subhuman clown boner,” Fleck Changstein, you spend the day loathing every inch of yourself, from your stupid hair to your weirdly knobby ankles. However, in a surprise twist of fate, Fleck recently found someone he hates even more than himself.

2 weeks ago | thehardtimes.net | Joe Rumrill

MACON, Ga. — Local doormat Howard Logue showcased his clear lack of self-confidence by singing only the background vocals of a recent karaoke performance, sources hanging their heads in disbelief confirmed. “Well, I know it might be a bit confusing to anyone watching, but I’ve just always felt a lot more comfortable hanging in the wings.

2 weeks ago | thehardtimes.net | Corey Montgomery

Even though the stock markets are in chaos and the economy seems on the brink of complete collapse, thanks to our society’s gradual but persistent devaluation of art, we can always count on music to be basically free. That being said, it’s only a matter of time before the government figures out a way to make all music that isn’t Morgan Wallen prohibitively expensive. Before that happens, here are five duty-free songs we listened to this week.