The Onion

1 month ago | theonion.com

SACRAMENTO, CA—Believing that he was establishing a firm line between who he was as a person and what he did for a living, local man Jordan Wheeler, an employee of Creighton Industries who will ultimately spend 90,000 hours of his lifetime at the office, announced Monday that his work did not define him. According to […]

2 months ago | theonion.com | Sam Hungerford

VATICAN CITY—In a stunning discovery that revealed the full extent of the pontiff’s addiction, Vatican coroner Fernando Ruini released a report Thursday confirming Pope Francis died of a eucharistic overdose. “Our autopsy found the Holy Father had a substantial amount of Eucharist in his system— roughly four times the legal limit—at the time of death,” […]

Nov 26, 2024 | theonion.com | John Gruber

The task of reporting is not a simple one. Each and every day, reporters and editors at publications like make difficult decisions about which issues should receive attention, knowing that our coverage will influence not only how people think, but also how they act. This responsibility is at the core of an ongoing debate over whether news coverage of transgender, non-binary, and gender-nonconforming people is unduly biased.

Nov 14, 2024 | theonion.com | John Gruber

Today we celebrate a new addition to the Global Tetrahedron LLC family of brands. And let me say, I really do see it as a family. Much like family members, our brands are abstract nodes of wealth, interchangeable assets for their patriarch to absorb and discard according to the opaque whims of the market. And just like family members, our brands regard one another with mutual suspicion and malice. All told, the decision to acquire InfoWars was an easy one for the Global Tetrahedron executive board.

Nov 8, 2024 | theonion.com

Mike Tyson and Jake Paul will face off Nov. 15 in a heavyweight boxing match streamed exclusively on Netflix. Here are the rules the boxers will be required to follow: Tyson and Paul must spend the first 20 minutes explaining who they are to Gen Z and Gen X, respectively. Boxers are each limited to […]