The Daily Mash

The Daily Mash is a satirical online platform that features humorous, fictional articles. It's important to note that everything published is entirely made-up and should not be viewed as real news. Now that we have that clarified, let's move on. If you have questions about advertising, please reach out to [email protected]. The website was designed by OH Digital and is maintained by IG Projects. For any subscription-related questions, you can log into your Press Plus account by clicking here. To clarify, all editorial content found on The Daily Mash is the intellectual property of Mashed Productions Limited. The editorial images are provided by Press Association Images, Rex, and Thinkstock.

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Your astrological week ahead for May 23rd, with Psychic Bob

2 weeks ago | thedailymash.co.uk | Josh Gardner

24th May 2025 Aries, March 21st–April 19thGenesis, Exodus, skip a few, Jesus Revelation. Taurus, April 20th–May 20thSomeone out there must be sexually aroused by extreme boredom. Absolutely rock hard while a colleague drones on about a recent sales conference in Ipswich. Gemini, May 21st–June 21stThere’s a man down Gandalf’s chip shop swears he’s Elvish. Cancer, June 22nd–July 22ndIf I was on death row I’d take an Imodium with my last meal. Don’t want nerves to get the better of you.
A confused millennial tries to… warn Zoomers that time's scythe will cut them down too

2 weeks ago | thedailymash.co.uk | Josh Gardner

19th May 2025 By Josh Gardner, who firmly believes 2005 was ten years agoI WAS gagged this morning by a look in the mirror. Instead of a youthful, Yassified face, I saw faint signs of wrinkles and a single grey hair. Depression washed over me like the fourth phase of Marvel content. How could my time as a youthquake be over? What happened to us changing the world by clicking stuff on social media? It was giving existential crisis.
GCSE app to automatically take jumping-in-air selfies

1 month ago | thedailymash.co.uk | Keir Starmer

7th May 2025 A NEW app will inform pupils of GCSE results and automatically capture images of them jumping in the air for local newspapers. Ministers hope the app will save money for media outlets who will no longer need to send a sweating, overweight man with a moustache to cajole 16-year-olds to leap for his camera. Education secretary Bridget Phillipson said: “Only for grades 7 and above, obviously. If you’ve received a handful of 5s and 6s stay firmly on the ground.
'I have signed a historic trade deal with oh shit they're at war'

1 month ago | thedailymash.co.uk | Keir Starmer

7th May 2025 By Sir Keir Starmer, the prime minister you delightedly voted for only last year, remember? THIS trade deal with India, soon to be the world’s third largest economy, is a historic accord which what do you mean they’re at war? Could they not have waited? Because we’ve just signed the largest and most beneficial trade agreement since leaving the EU in 2020, and yes I know they have nuclear weapons. And so does Pakistan. Who they’re at war with. Yes.
A white home counties roadman is ghosted by da wasteman Heaster Bunny

1 month ago | thedailymash.co.uk | Josh Gardner |Anya Taylor-Joy

17th April 2025 FIFTEEN-year-old Active J, known in his detached home as Joshua Hudson, has unfortunately not received any Easter eggs due to him being all grown-up now. WAGWAN? Heaster is here, fam. An’ it is usually da time to celebrate chocolate, but Active J is a gangsta crew bossman hadult now, bustin’ a peng goatee, innit. An’ da Heaster Bunny is only for toddlers, like dickhead Drilla. Yes, fam.
A confused millennial tries to… survive his fourth once-in-a-lifetime financial shitstorm

1 month ago | thedailymash.co.uk | Josh Gardner |Anya Taylor-Joy

14th April 2025 By Josh Gardner, who wisely put his savings in the Hawk Tuah memecoinANOTHER day, another L for the global economy. And not even Donald Trump can aura farm his way out of this one. Yes, thanks to retaliatory tariffs, the world is hurtling towards the fourth once-in-a-lifetime financial downturn in my youthful existence. And just like me, it’s getting old. You’d think I’d be downcast about eating yet another monetary shit sandwich, but honestly I don’t know any different.
A white home counties roadman has a beef wiv a bruv dat's met hactual Jamaican roadmen

2 months ago | thedailymash.co.uk | Josh Gardner

20th March 2025 FIFTEEN-year-old Active J, known in his detached home as Joshua Hudson, goes hardcore roadman after being ridiculed by someone who has met the real thing. FAM! Early dis week a bruv bangs hinto Active J on him’s way to da hastroturf at break wiv mandem crew, an’ starts dissin’ man habout bein’ a fake roadman. You wot, bruv? Active J sed him ‘ad better hexplain wastemanself hyper-quick, or we is in a deep beef ting, innit.
A confused millennial tries to… prepare for the frontlines of World War Three

2 months ago | thedailymash.co.uk | Josh Gardner

17th March 2025 By Josh Gardner, who hopes the trenches have wi-fiA DARK cloud is rolling across Europe. We may not see it lit af again in our lifetimes. And I’m told it’s not long before my country will need me, a listless member of the socials generation welded to his phone skilled at delivering murderously funny memes, to fight Russia. I’m surprisingly okay at being packed off to Ukraine with a rifle. It’s a while since my last citybreak and season two of Severance isn’t gripping me.
Woman playfully tests new boyfriend by brutally criticising everything about him

Mar 5, 2025 | thedailymash.co.uk | Nigel Farage

5th March 2025 A WOMAN is playfully seeing how her new boyfriend will react to a pitiless dissection of everything he is, enjoys, or hopes to be. Lauren Hewitt decided to have fun with new boyfriend Jack Browne by lightheartedly tearing down his appearance and all of his thoughts and actions with vicious intensity to see if he is worthy of being her long-term partner. She said: “Pushing a man to the limits of human patience is the best part of the honeymoon period.
You know what, maybe I'll concentrate on representing the people of Clacton

Mar 5, 2025 | thedailymash.co.uk | Nigel Farage

5th March 2025 By Nigel Farage, Reform UK leader and member for ClactonAMERICA’S a bit of a no-go. Europe hates me. Best not mention Russia. It seems it is time to dedicate myself to the good people of Clacton. Yes, when your political career has, through no fault of your own, taken a few unexpected turns and all your positives become negatives, there’s always your constituency to fall back on.