The Daily Mash

1 week ago | thedailymash.co.uk | Keir Starmer

7th May 2025 A NEW app will inform pupils of GCSE results and automatically capture images of them jumping in the air for local newspapers. Ministers hope the app will save money for media outlets who will no longer need to send a sweating, overweight man with a moustache to cajole 16-year-olds to leap for his camera. Education secretary Bridget Phillipson said: “Only for grades 7 and above, obviously. If you’ve received a handful of 5s and 6s stay firmly on the ground.

1 week ago | thedailymash.co.uk | Keir Starmer

7th May 2025 By Sir Keir Starmer, the prime minister you delightedly voted for only last year, remember? THIS trade deal with India, soon to be the world’s third largest economy, is a historic accord which what do you mean they’re at war? Could they not have waited? Because we’ve just signed the largest and most beneficial trade agreement since leaving the EU in 2020, and yes I know they have nuclear weapons. And so does Pakistan. Who they’re at war with. Yes.

4 weeks ago | thedailymash.co.uk | Josh Gardner |Anya Taylor-Joy

17th April 2025 FIFTEEN-year-old Active J, known in his detached home as Joshua Hudson, has unfortunately not received any Easter eggs due to him being all grown-up now. WAGWAN? Heaster is here, fam. An’ it is usually da time to celebrate chocolate, but Active J is a gangsta crew bossman hadult now, bustin’ a peng goatee, innit. An’ da Heaster Bunny is only for toddlers, like dickhead Drilla. Yes, fam.

1 month ago | thedailymash.co.uk | Josh Gardner |Anya Taylor-Joy

14th April 2025 By Josh Gardner, who wisely put his savings in the Hawk Tuah memecoinANOTHER day, another L for the global economy. And not even Donald Trump can aura farm his way out of this one. Yes, thanks to retaliatory tariffs, the world is hurtling towards the fourth once-in-a-lifetime financial downturn in my youthful existence. And just like me, it’s getting old. You’d think I’d be downcast about eating yet another monetary shit sandwich, but honestly I don’t know any different.

1 month ago | thedailymash.co.uk | Josh Gardner

20th March 2025 FIFTEEN-year-old Active J, known in his detached home as Joshua Hudson, goes hardcore roadman after being ridiculed by someone who has met the real thing. FAM! Early dis week a bruv bangs hinto Active J on him’s way to da hastroturf at break wiv mandem crew, an’ starts dissin’ man habout bein’ a fake roadman. You wot, bruv? Active J sed him ‘ad better hexplain wastemanself hyper-quick, or we is in a deep beef ting, innit.