McSweeney's

McSweeney’s is a publishing house located in San Francisco. In addition to running a daily humor website, we publish Timothy McSweeney’s Quarterly Concern and a wide range of books through different imprints. You can find all of these products in our online shop. We are also in the process of becoming a nonprofit and would be thankful for your support. You can help us by making a donation today.

International

English

Online/Digital

Outlet metrics

Domain Authority

Ranking

Global

#92153

United States

#23238

Arts and Entertainment/Humor

#46

Traffic sources

Monthly visitors

Articles

Aw, Hell, We Left Big Gert in Space

6 days ago | mcsweeneys.net | Lillian Stone

“The Blue Origin flight showcased the utter defeat of American feminism.” — Moira Donegan, The Guardian. - - -Jeff, my man. It’s Dave. How the hell are you? Oh, fine, fine. Wife’s good, kids are good. Great. Listen, uh—we got a situation. We forgot one. In space. No, not Katy Perry, thank God. She’s running the press circuit like a champ. Gayle’s accounted for. Lauren, too, though I’ll happily shoot her back up there if you need a break from nag, nag, nag. Hell, maybe she can take my wife too.
Additional Recession Indicators

1 week ago | mcsweeneys.net | Ginny Hogan

Everyone looks to the stock market to figure out if we’re heading into a recession. Sure, it has some info—for example, the market right now would tell us we definitely are—but that’s not the only recession warning sign we should be on the lookout for. If you know where to train your eyes, you’ll realize recession indicators are all around us. For example, any of the following might be a red flashing light: Taylor Swift starts a perfume line.
Would You Like Us to Spend Your Tax Dollars on Meals on Wheels or a Billionaire’s Yacht?

1 week ago | mcsweeneys.net | Wendi Aarons

Please take a few moments to let us know how you’d like your tax dollars spent by the Trump administration. 1. It’s important to me that my money supports…a) public televisionb) national parksc) irrigation for the Mar-a-Lago golf course2. In this era of climate crisis, the government must invest more in…a) green and renewable energyb) electric and solar-powered vehicles c) plastic straws3.
Influencer Emily Dickinson’s Morning Routine

2 weeks ago | mcsweeneys.net | Maggie Downs

3:45 a.m. – Wake naturally to the soft sigh of a ghost. Or maybe it’s the hum of the Amherst wind through the shutters. Either way, it’s a Sign. Do not question the Sign. 4:00 a.m. – Lie completely still and compose six hauntingly perfect quatrains in your mind. Refuse to scribble them down. Let them ferment in the silence like forbidden knowledge. 4:45 a.m. – Tape mouth shut. This is not for health. It’s a vow of silence to preserve the sanctity of unspoken verse.
Hi, It’s Your Bank. There’s a Problem with Your Money

2 weeks ago | mcsweeneys.net | Alex Baia

Dear Star Bank Customer,We’re writing to let you know that the Star Bank online portal is down today. You won’t be able to log in or access your money. We apologize for the inconvenience. Please don’t call or stop by the bank in person. It’s a mess right now. Sincerely,Star Bank“Treating your money like a star since 2005.”- - -Dear Star Bank Customer,This is Gordon Star, CEO of Star Bank. The previous email generated some confusion. I do apologize. I’ll be direct.
Poetry Revised for 2025

2 weeks ago | mcsweeneys.net | John Ortved

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, because the chemical plant jaundicing the region was ordered by a court to create an alternative, protected footpath for local residents. ➳Because I could not stop for Death, I paid $1,600 every month to COBRA until I died of measles, about which the doctors—and not the podcast my mom likes—were correct.
Copy and Paste Any of These Out-of-Office Replies for Your Personal Use

2 weeks ago | mcsweeneys.net | Dan Kennedy

I am out of the office today and Friday to solve every existential quandary I’ve been putting off arguably since 2023 when, as far as I can tell, I simply quit thinking. - - -Hi, I’m out of the office. If you have anything urgent, please get in touch with the fact that there’s probably nobody better suited than me in our organization to handle that matter, and I’m taking a day off to think about love, survival, and time.
The White House or The White Lotus?

2 weeks ago | mcsweeneys.net | Sara K. Runnels

1. White people achieve new levels of whiteness via their most privileged impulses. 2. The stars of the show are a group of entitled and insensitive characters who may or may not face the consequences of their own actions. 3. There will be some antagonists and villains from previous seasons. 4. New and unsavory characters will be introduced. 5. Class, wealth, and power will be constantly explored in a way that seems humorous at first but is ultimately dispiriting and devastating. 6.
Increasingly Inconvenient MTA Service Advisories

3 weeks ago | mcsweeneys.net | Tom Smyth

Local trains along the 1-2-3 line will be running express between Chambers Street and Fourteenth Street due to urgent repairs (all of the “C” tiles fell off of the “Canal Street” mosaic). Due to track maintenance, the A train will not be running between Canal Street and Fourteenth Street. Shuttle service will be made available via the Sex and the City tour bus, with service beginning at Steve’s Bar and stretching to Magnolia Bakery, with an intermediary stop at Carrie’s apartment.
Son, I Forbid You to Join That Rowdy, No-Good Zorba the Greek Fan Club

3 weeks ago | mcsweeneys.net | Nathan Kamal

Young man, it’s time we had a talk. Your mother and I have never wanted to be those kind of strict, clueless parents who can’t understand what young people are into “nowadays,” but I have to put my foot down. You are forbidden from joining that rowdy, no-good Zorba the Greek fan club. No ifs, ands, or buts about it!Because I said so, that’s why. Oh, you think you’re grown up enough to deserve some reasons?