McSweeney's

1 day ago | mcsweeneys.net | Sarah Murphy

Dear Students,Again, my sincerest apologies for offering Classics and Contemporary American Culture this semester. When I pitched this class to the English department chair, I believed Harris would win and we’d spend the semester making interesting literary connections to her sober policy choices. I didn’t foresee that the canon itself would leer at our nation’s pathetic descent into discount fascism.

5 days ago | mcsweeneys.net | Wendi Aarons

Julie Owens, who bravely tugged on a tankini in mid-January in order to chaperone her twins to an indoor water park. After nearly swallowing a wet Band-Aid in the wave pool, Owens—in a show of tremendous valor—merely dry heaved thrice. Hannah Robertson, who not only took her eleven-year-old to Sephora but also bought the pubescent child a sixty-five-dollar jade roller and twenty-five-dollar toner, all without once rolling her eyes or mentioning the patriarchy.

1 week ago | mcsweeneys.net | Kristen Mulrooney

Dear Lorraine,How are you? Or maybe I should ask, when are you? Haha, nah, just a little time travel joke. But seriously, I hope everything is good and chronological, and that you are residing comfortably in the timeline where Biff washes your car. Even though decades have passed since your kids were babies (two decades? Or is it six? Whatever, time is relative), I wonder how well you remember what it was like. How well do you remember those years when you had babies attached to you like brambles?

1 week ago | mcsweeneys.net | Maggie Downs

“Dozens of US arts organizations have been notified that offers of government grants have been terminated, hours after Donald Trump proposed eliminating federal agencies that support arts, humanities and learning.” — The Guardian- - -I don’t know about you, but I’ve been sweating bullets the last few years, just terrified that the National Endowment for the Arts would receive a sensible amount of funding.

1 week ago | mcsweeneys.net | Devorah Blachor

“The unofficial version of Signal used by Donald Trump’s former National Security Adviser Mike Waltz has been hacked.” — Reuters- - -Want to hear something interesting? If you’re a messaging app trying to market yourself as the “gold standard of private communications," the last thing you want is to be in the news every day because some Fox News host is too dumb to understand how privacy works.