McSweeney's

1 week ago | mcsweeneys.net | Alex Baia

The Desperado: They get a dreamy look in their eyes, then, before you know it, swoop in quick as a bandit and shove their tongue down your throat. The Zombie: Their lips are stiff and dead, and you want to whisper, “Pucker up, you lifeless weirdo,” but you can feel yourself become infected, the passion slowly draining. The Lollipopper: They suck on your tongue like a child sucking on a Tootsie Pop.

1 week ago | mcsweeneys.net | John Warner

Why would a fifty-five-year-old man try such a thing as Skittles POP’d Freeze Dried Candy, you might ask. I’ll tell you why. The grocery store was out of Nerds Very Berry Gummy Clusters, and a fiend needs his fix. We are in the midst of something like a golden age of candy technological advancement, and you never know when some new morsel capable of leaving your tongue scoured raw by repeated exposure to high-grade dextrose and food starch will hit the market.

2 weeks ago | mcsweeneys.net | Wendi Aarons

Winning trivia night at the bar you went to in college. - - -Dance partner in a high-end pharmaceutical commercial. - - -Social media influencer in the menopause space. - - -Molly Ringwald look-alike contest. - - -Selling vintage T-shirts from concerts you actually attended. - - -Freelance music critic (mostly unpaid). - - -Osteoporosis clinical trial patient. - - -Lyft driver known for blasting “retro music” from the 1900s. - - -Shoplift, because it’s not like anyone even notices you anymore.

2 weeks ago | mcsweeneys.net | Ginny Hogan

“Fixing Medicaid” “Deficit reduction” “Fiscal responsibility” “Wealth redistribution (direction undisclosed)” “Cutting waste, fraud, abuse (and some health insurance)” “A big, beautiful social welfare cut” “Classic Reaganism” “Undoing Biden’s budget mess” “Operation Keep the President from Saying Mean Things About Us on Social Media” “Tightening Medicaid” “Not cutting Medicaid” “Boosting emergency rooms with more business” “Enforcing work requirements” “Bipartisanship (we’ve considered Mitch...

2 weeks ago | mcsweeneys.net | Lindsey Smith

Come closer, grandchild. Thanks for visiting me one last time before I die. I’ve lived a great life. I climbed Mt. Everest, founded a Fortune 500 company, and had six amazing children. But there’s one mistake that haunts me: not spending more of my life creating, entering, and re-entering passwords. I’m ashamed to admit that for decades, I coasted by with a couple of passwords scribbled on a Post-it next to my laptop.