McSweeney's

McSweeney’s is a publishing house located in San Francisco. In addition to running a daily humor website, we publish Timothy McSweeney’s Quarterly Concern and a wide range of books through different imprints. You can find all of these products in our online shop. We are also in the process of becoming a nonprofit and would be thankful for your support. You can help us by making a donation today.

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The Trump Playbook for Brokering Peace Between Israel and Iran

1 week ago | mcsweeneys.net | Dash MacIntyre

1. Trump announces on Truth Social that he will solve the crisis in one day, and this will win him the Nobel Peace Prize. 2. Trump accidentally says, out of habit, that this war “never would have started if I were president.” Then he remembers he’s currently the president, but still blames Joe Biden anyway. 3. Trump repeatedly claims all the other presidents in US history were stupid for not getting a deal because the conflict is so easy and simple. 4.
Please Remain Civil While Resisting President Nyarlathotep’s Orgy of Nullification

2 weeks ago | mcsweeneys.net | Andrew Paul

Look, I get it. I’ve been in this game a long time, okay? I managed political campaigns on both sides of the aisle, and very nearly won some of them. I get paid more than the combined salaries of an entire elementary school’s faculty to write a weekly diary entry for a nationally syndicated newspaper with minimal AI input. I’ve been on all the major nightly roundtable shows.
My Season Pass to Burnout Land

2 weeks ago | mcsweeneys.net | Taylor Harris

You’ve Always Been This Way is a column written by Taylor Harris, a late-diagnosed neurodivergent woman and 1980s preschool dropout identifies every moment from her past that filled her with shame, and mutters, “Yep, that tracks. I see it all now.”- - -I stopped writing when I no longer recognized my world. What a profound betrayal to rifle through your everyday belongings—your thoughts, your days, your life—only to find that nothing quite fits. So, what changed? Fair question.
If Charles Bukowski Wrote a Children’s Book About Emotional Regulation

2 weeks ago | mcsweeneys.net | Heather Kays

Sometimes you feel like a fist. Other times, you feel like the ashtray after a partyno one invited you to. Both are fine. Just don’t throw the fistor eat the ashtray. - - -You can cry. It doesn’t make you weak. It just means you are hydrated. - - -Anger is a hot beast. Pet it. Name it. Put it on a leashbefore it chews through your math teacher. - - -Breathe in like the world owes you money. Breathe out like you’re never getting it back. Do this five timesbefore setting anything on fire. - - -Use your words.
We Are Excited to Offer These Affordable Broadway Ticket Options

3 weeks ago | mcsweeneys.net | Tom Smyth

We in the theater world acknowledge that tickets to Broadway shows have become far too expensive. Thanks in part to A-listers pursuing the coveted T in their EGOT, producers have been able to price-gouge to new extremes, making theater inaccessible to most audiences. If you’re unwilling to shell out four figures to watch a movie star stumble through Shakespeare dialogue from the rear balcony, you’re fresh out of luck.
Bad Kissing Techniques

4 weeks ago | mcsweeneys.net | Alex Baia

The Desperado: They get a dreamy look in their eyes, then, before you know it, swoop in quick as a bandit and shove their tongue down your throat. The Zombie: Their lips are stiff and dead, and you want to whisper, “Pucker up, you lifeless weirdo,” but you can feel yourself become infected, the passion slowly draining. The Lollipopper: They suck on your tongue like a child sucking on a Tootsie Pop.
Reviews of New Food: Skittles POP’d Freeze Dried Candy

1 month ago | mcsweeneys.net | John Warner

Why would a fifty-five-year-old man try such a thing as Skittles POP’d Freeze Dried Candy, you might ask. I’ll tell you why. The grocery store was out of Nerds Very Berry Gummy Clusters, and a fiend needs his fix. We are in the midst of something like a golden age of candy technological advancement, and you never know when some new morsel capable of leaving your tongue scoured raw by repeated exposure to high-grade dextrose and food starch will hit the market.
How Gen X Can Make Money in This Economy

1 month ago | mcsweeneys.net | Wendi Aarons

Winning trivia night at the bar you went to in college. - - -Dance partner in a high-end pharmaceutical commercial. - - -Social media influencer in the menopause space. - - -Molly Ringwald look-alike contest. - - -Selling vintage T-shirts from concerts you actually attended. - - -Freelance music critic (mostly unpaid). - - -Osteoporosis clinical trial patient. - - -Lyft driver known for blasting “retro music” from the 1900s. - - -Shoplift, because it’s not like anyone even notices you anymore.
GOP Euphemisms for “Cutting Medicaid”

1 month ago | mcsweeneys.net | Ginny Hogan

“Fixing Medicaid” “Deficit reduction” “Fiscal responsibility” “Wealth redistribution (direction undisclosed)” “Cutting waste, fraud, abuse (and some health insurance)” “A big, beautiful social welfare cut” “Classic Reaganism” “Undoing Biden’s budget mess” “Operation Keep the President from Saying Mean Things About Us on Social Media” “Tightening Medicaid” “Not cutting Medicaid” “Boosting emergency rooms with more business” “Enforcing work requirements” “Bipartisanship (we’ve considered Mitch...
On My Deathbed, I Have Just One Regret: Not Spending More Time Resetting Passwords

1 month ago | mcsweeneys.net | Lindsey Smith

Come closer, grandchild. Thanks for visiting me one last time before I die. I’ve lived a great life. I climbed Mt. Everest, founded a Fortune 500 company, and had six amazing children. But there’s one mistake that haunts me: not spending more of my life creating, entering, and re-entering passwords. I’m ashamed to admit that for decades, I coasted by with a couple of passwords scribbled on a Post-it next to my laptop.