Vanessa Wolf

My take on "This Is the End": several actors I thought were the same person prove they are one-dimensional individuals while boring me silly

Thinking some of my life decisions stem from having a devil on one shoulder and dandruff on the other.

I actually thought this was a mostly positive review? Gotta love the haters. http://t.co/mBE3F6ClD5

My Hello Kitty toaster is supposed to burn her visage into bread - but doesn't- leading me to question whether she's a bonafide deity

Five Second Rule: if it's on the ground for five seconds or less, it's safe to eat*. * unless it's in a pile of poop.

When you see what resembles a dairy-based cerebellum slog out of the half & half and into your coffee, DO NOT assume you're imagining things

Awoken by a child's voice saying, "cheese" again and again. Now realize it's my dog's stomach. #StillScary

Beer, tenderloin, foie gras and ONIONS for breakfast. #mauionion http://t.co/VccXs10oc7

I don't know what just possessed me to eat an entire can of refried beans, but I hope it doesn't get any ideas about box wine.

@SlowFoodMaui Who won the Grand Taste categories at Ag Fest in the end? Nearly went into heat stroke: had to bail before it was announced!

Reviewing msgs regarding my upcoming talk at the culinary school. Noted she suggested I discuss my "path to success." #ConfusedW/SomeoneElse

Since when are ants the size of protons? And living on my bathroom sink? #YuckyButThoughtfullyMicroscopic

After discovering my dog ate his half pound package of organic shea butter, owner of said body butter commented, "He's a maniac." True dat.

My crazy dog is attempting to gnaw his way through a Taco Bell Fire Sauce packet that reads: "Will You Marry Me?" Ha! It should be so lucky!

Watching a four inch centipede run under your bed? BAD. Sleeping in a bed with a four inch centipede camping underneath it? Not happening.

Got a long butt dial message at 3:30 in the morning from someone in the 216 area code. I didn't realize I knew anyone in Cleveland. ???

I want to dine at #TopChefKitchen with @OpenTable. Please!!!